Beat the Parents

- I love relaxing with my girlfriend.

!

Get your hand out your butt and in the game!

I am one lucky guy.

Oh, it's my parents again.

- You gave your parents your real number?

- They wanna know why we're not watching the game

with them at our house.

Tell me the truth. I won't be mad.

Are you avoiding meeting my parents?

Tsk. Yes.

- Aha! I knew it! You jerk!

Allison, I'm...a rebel.

Whenever I'm around adults, especially parents,

I just start insulting them.

- Ha! Ha! Ha! You guys watching the hockey game?

- We are, but you and your pit stains are not invited,

so back away from the chips and move along.

- We will speak later, young man--

after I change my shirt.

I can't help myself. It's a gift and a curse.

I definitely can't meet your parents tomorrow.

- You don't have a choice this time.

My mom and dad want you

to come to the grand opening of their business.

They said if you don't show, I can't see you anymore.

Oh, why are they being such babies about this?

- To them, no boyfriend is good enough

for their sweet, little Alli-Walli.

Me! Dummy!

Please! Don't give them an excuse to break us up.

Fine, I'll go to their grand opening.

- Great! I'm gonna call and tell them.

There's no way this ends well.

* Yes there is!

After you smack-talk Alli-Walli's parents,

I get my best friend back.

- That's not happening. What? Ooh!

You can't be seen up here.

Bunnies before honeys!

Ahhhh!

*

* What you see

* Is not what you get

* Livin' our lives with a secret *

* We fit right in

* Bet you never guessed

* 'Cause we're livin' our lives *

* Just like all the rest

* A picture perfect family *

* Is what we try to be

* Look closer, you might see *

* The crazy things we do

* This isn't make believe *

* It's our reality

* Just your average family

* Trying to be normal and stay out of trouble *

* Livin' a double life *

*

Allison, bad news.

I can't meet your parents tomorrow.

I have a--

You don't know me.

Max, you're gonna be fine.

My parents are normal people.

They're just a little intense.

I mean, it's a miracle I'm so laid back.

Hey, this is a school, not a half-pipe, ya half-wit!

I cannot lose her.

Oh, Mr. Cunningham,

you are as wise as you are fashionable.

Phoebe.

Phoebe!

- Phoebe, uh, I need some help.

- Max, I'm literally in the middle of a tour right now.

- Oh, uh, I'll finish it for you.

Those are the lockers, that's upstairs,

and that's the nurse's office.

You smell sick.

- I know I have a problem, I can't talk to adults,

which is why I need you to go with me

to meet Allison's parents tomorrow.

- And that would help you how?

- Easy. I'll keep quiet so I don't say anything insulting,

and you charm them with your goody-two-shoes nonsense,

and since we're twins, they'll think I'm goody-two-shoes, too.

- Max, if you are lying, that means you're not trying.

That's exactly the nonsense I'm talking about.

Please? Allison's parents are looking

for any reason to break us up.

Okay. Okay.

I'll go with you.

But only because Allison single-handedly

cut down your pranking by 40 percent.

Pfft! Nerd.

- As for Allison's parents, that'll be a piece of cake.

Parents love me.

Oh, I've even got some killer new dad jokes.

I'm sure.

Hey, sure, I'm Phoebe.

That wasn't funny.

This dad gets it.

*

Whee!

That was a great dinner.

- Oh, it sure was, especially the grilled--

Oh!

- Your father has super-hiccups.

They're like regular hiccups, but they destroy buildings--

and beach houses we dreamed of growing old in.

- First of all, that house was built on a sandy cliff.

Second of all, I don't have the super-hiccups.

I had one...

and now it's gone.

Like my beach house.

Ooh, "Cutesy Cow" is on.

- Can we all watch it together?

Of course we can, sweetie.

Hey, there, kids, it's Cutesy Cow.

Moo wants a hug?

- CHLOE, BARB & HANK: The Moo Crew!

Cutesy Cow is lame.

- Yeah, back when Billy and I were little kids,

we had a way better animal hero--

Hootie the Owl!

- Hootie was cool and he flew by his own rules.

- I don't remember Hootie having any rules.

- Hey, Billy, let's find our old Hootie DVDs

and show them to Chloe.

- No, you're not. You wouldn't find them anyway.

I hid those a long time ago.

- It's cute when they try to hide things.

Let's show this to Chloe before Cutesy Cow ruins her.

Look, she's learning how to brush her teeth.

* Moo-moo-moove your brush

* Up and down your gums

* Then be sure to brush your hair *

* Hygiene can be fun *

Okay, now this cow is just making up words.

*

- Allison's parents opened an MMA gym?

I'm out!

Hey! Don't panic.

Just remember I'm the one doing all the talking.

I just have to look up some fancy MMA lingo like, oh,

"crush windpipe," uh, "welterweight,"

and, ooh, "grappling dummy."

You're a grappling dummy.

Sorry. Habit. Please keep helping me.

- Hey, Max! - Hey!

Uh, she invited herself.

So lonely and pathetic.

- Come on, my parents are over here.

- And then he tried a triangle choke,

so, I snapped his back in three places!

Alli-Walli!

- Hi, Mom, Dad, this is Max.

- And, uh, Phoebe, Max's twin sister.

I just love MMA.

You two look like a couple of awesome welterweights.

- Oh, yes, we are. You know your stuff.

I'm Debbie. This is Gary.

- So, we finally get to meet

our little girl's so-called boyfriend!

Yo, Mullet Head,

1985 called and said that haircut was lame in 1985!

- Max, anything you wanna say?

I wanna ask your mom

if her face got hit by a makeup truck.

Max!

Uh...

my sister's here!

Ha. Ha.

Um, so, guys, um, what's more fulfilling--

opening your own business or crushing someone's windpipe?

Windpipe!

- Jinx! You owe me a protein shake.

Ha.

- So, Phoebe's talking to my parents.

When are you gonna step up?

- Uh, as soon as Phoebe lets me get a word in.

Grappling dummy, am I right?

Anyway, let's eat!

*

Who wants a hug?

The Moo Crew! The Moo Crew...

- Even the house hates this show.

Okay, Hank, outside now!

We've gotta cure you of your super-hiccups

before you shake the house to its foundation.

- Barb, that was definitely the last--

- Kids, be good. We're goin' outside.

- Billy, this is our chance to show Chloe "Hootie the Owl."

Chloe, we have something for you.

Cool! An owl.

- Not just any owl. Check this out.

- * Hoot hoot! Hootie don't care *

* Hoot hoot! Hootie don't care *

* What do you think about that **

Excuse me, Hootie,