Some Guy Who Kills People

You like making us look stupid, don't you?

You didn't think we'd see this, huh, Boyd?

You like to make people laugh, Boyd?

See? Now that's funny.

Wake up, Neo...

Late again.

I know. I...

- Is he pissed? - He's not thrilled.

- Here you go, sheriff. The usual. - Thanks, Al.

That looks good. I will take a scoop of chocolate with some sprinkles, please.

Now, easy there, Hopalong. We're still on duty. Just get him a sorbet.

Right away. Keep on keeping our town safe now.

Well, hello there, tardy two-shoes.

When everyone told me not to hire the guy fresh out of the loony bin, I ignored them.

I appreciate that, sir.

- Don't make me look like an idiot, Boyd. - Yes, sir, I am sorry.

You know if you would just set an alarm, you wouldn't have to eat that asshole's shit.

- Not as good as when you make 'em, Kenny. - Thanks, sheriff.

- What do you say, Irv? - Just living the dream, sheriff, living the dream.

Oh, by the way, I am heading by your mom's place later on for some exotic oils.

I might just start smelling like eucalyptus.

Boyd. Grab your party outfit and get out of here. I got you working a birthday.

Somebody's big day, huh?

Yeah, Marty Prichard's turning 34. Huge news. Whole world's celebrating.

- Marty Prichard? - Yeah.

- Is that okay with you? - Yeah.

Let's get a move on then.

- Can I have some ice cream, please? - Yes, you may.

- Enjoy your delicious scoop. - Thank you.

I don't think he got the message. What do you guys think?

Hello?

- Hi. - Hi.

What do you recommend?

The "Chocolate Bananaza" is really good.

Bananaza?

Like Bonanza but Banana... Za.

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

Well, this particular flavor is gluten-free.

But may contain a trace amount of nuts.

If you're allergic to nuts, I'd recommend staying away from it.

- Not allergic to nuts, no. - Then it might be right up your alley.

Unless you'd like to try "Rum Raisin the Roof".

- I'll just give you a scoop of both. - Okay.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Ken. - Okay. Stephanie.

- Thank you. - Stephanie.

Kenny Boyd! How're you doing, buddy?

It's good to see you moving up in the world.

Look at yourself.

- Kenny Boyd. - Hey sweetie.

- Did you see Kenny Boyd? - Hi, Kenny.

This is great, baby.

This is a great party. Thank you. Come on.

Kenny Boyd.

Get away from me!

Do you have any aspirin? I have a splitting headache.

I always carry aspirin, so you don't need to "ax"(ask).

Well, this was no accident.

Well, this guy's going to heaven, and he's got an all-"ax"cess pass.

It's the "ax".

What are you doing?

I thought we were doing puns.

- No, why would we be doing puns? - I felt like you were doing puns with...

This guy's got a hatchet in his head.

Then he was dumped in his backyard after his birthday party?

No, our guy knew his victim.

Knew him and hated him.

Why would someone douse a body in gasoline and not burn it?

So we'd find it.

The coroner found these two cards stuffed in his mouth.

What do you think, chief?

I got nothing.

This looks like something my ex-wife would have done.

Good pun.

How was your day?

- Just fine. - Fine.

34 years, and all I ever get is "fine".

Not now, ma.

Ah, yes. The other thing you say when someone pulls your string.

"Fine"... "Not now"...

"Fine"... "Not now"...

Marty... had his vices.

But he wasn't a gambler.

- At least not that I know of. - Never owed anyone money?

- I don't think so. - Well, that must be nice.

Well, it's... not something I like to talk about, but,

Marty did spend a lot of time with other women.

When he went missing the night of his birthday party,

I assumed he was off with some new hussy.

Hussies?

This guy. Really?

- Can I be honest, sheriff? - Of course you can.

I didn't kill Marty.

But I am not upset that he's dead.

Does that make me a bad person?

No, no. Of course not.

Hey, Boyd! Hey, Boyd! You moving into your new house?

Say, shouldn't you be in a padded room somewhere? In your own shit?

You like making us look stupid, don't you?

No?

Seems a lot like you do.

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to make you look stupid. How about that?

Hold that bitch. Hold him.

Ooh, he's shaking. He's scared, man.

Keep him still, bro. You like that, motherfucker?

Boyd!

Boyd! You're on street duty.

And for the last time, cover those up, will ya? They're disgusting.

What?

He's right. They're not pretty.

*** Subtitles manually transcribed by Subtopian ***

Heads up, minty.

- Aww, thanks. - No problem. You all right?

Um, I, you know, my back, just...

- Thank you so much. - It's cool.

- See you later. - See ya.

You didn't have a problem with me playing basketball before Ronald came along.

Well, honey, that's because Ronald has opened my eyes,

to many of the mistakes and imperfections of the life you and I are leading.

He and I now believe that the time you spent on sporting events can now be spent with us,

at bible study.

Shall we? Jesus frowns on tardiness.

Guess he's okay with bad sweaters.

Lord, please send someone to aid this precious child and steer her down a righteous path. Amen.

Amen.

- I do not like the tone in her voice lately. - I will talk to her, honey.

I hope whoever he sends bring pizza, cuz I am starving.

That's right. Don't let anybody see anything.

Keep it all to yourself.

I was gonna get that.

And come out of your little cocoon?

What kind of a mother would I be if I let you do a thing like that?

The doctor said 7 out of 10 people try suicide again.

You want to off yourself?

Then you have to earn it.

Shit!

See you later.

I just thought Tammy's dress was very inappropriate. Well, it's a church.

I thought you told me the music box was from you.

- Amy, honey, you scared us. - My music box.

There is an engraving on the bottom.

"LOVE DAD". I guess you didn't know that.

Why don't I, uh, make us some chamomile, okay?

When I met him, he'd been in a hospital,

for depression or something.

He was just a mistake in my life that I decided to put behind me.

But you didn't consider what I might want.

It was for the best. He's a troubled person.

11 years, mom.

I've spent 11 years thinking my dad just disappeared.

- I understand you're upset. - You think?

Do you know where he is?

How's the Lord feel about lying, mom? Where's your stand on that?

I think he lives in Green Oaks.

What's his name?

- Amy, please. - What's my dad's name?

Hey, motherfucker. You owe me a hundy.

Cuz you said I couldn't drive out here meth-ed out of my motherfucking mind.

Well, guess what, faggot? I just did.

Hey. Shut up. Shut up. I gotta bounce.

Just have my money ready.

Bitch.

Hey! I hope your ass is a whole lot better than this shit what I've been smoking, man.

What the fuck, bro?

What the fuck?

I didn't come here to watch no movie.

- What do you got for me, Ernie? - Another body, sir.

- Wade Hutchinson. - Got me a box?

- What? I mean, no, I just got the... - Attaboy.

- Any witnesses? - No, sir.

The manager just showed up. He said the projection booth was broken into but nothing's missing.

There's nothing missing off of Wade either, and he had over 200 bucks on him.

- This one has no head, Ernie. - I know, sir.

- Most bodies have heads. - Absolutely.

Where's this one's head?

- Not sure yet, sir. - Oh, we should find this head.

Good idea, sir.

You don't just cut off a man's head unless you're one angry fella.

- Found the head, sir. - Bring it on over.

See? Now that's funny.

You got what you deserved.

Deputy Dobkins?

Sheriff, reporter from the Gazette's on line 1.

Hey, there.

- Still no press, sir? - You heard the mayor. No press, no panic.

We're gonna find the bastard, Ernie. We're gonna find him.

We're gonna tear his skin off.

Make him wear his own skin.

Found a second body the other day.

- Really? - Yeah, indeedy.

Did you know Wade Hutchinson?

You went to school together, didn't you?

He says, "Yes."

Well, somebody did ol' Wade in good.

"Decapitato".

Big ol' messy mess.

But you gotta do me a favor, you gotta keep this on the DL because anything this grisly gets let out,

we're gonna have a shitstorm on our hands.

Sure thing, sheriff.