Fallout

Are you familiar with Robert House?

Are you asking me to spy on the wealthiest man in America?

Not spy on him.

Help!

Folks in them outfits don't deserve savin'.

Let her go!

Give me the stimpak.

I only have one.

Help me!

Please!

She'll die without it.

Golden rule, motherfucker.

I am nothing like you.

We'll get you home to your people.

The axis of power has shifted in the Brotherhood.

Holy fuck!

How many of those can you make?

More than all of human history could ever consume.

Liaison from the Commonwealth.

I understand we're discussing a civil war.

Just so you know...

I am nice.

-Oh! Oh. -No...

Thaddeus...

I-I think you might be a ghoul.

Oh, no!

Mmmm.

Yep! Yep, yeah.

Way to use those little hands, Lois. Keep it up.

Thanks, boss.

Bobby! Hey!

I see your eyes closing over there.

You know what happens when you fall asleep on the job?

Nothing good, that's for sure.

-Mm-hm. -Yep.

Come on, gang, we're only 12 hours into this shift!

We got 10 more to go!

Okay?

Perry, you know what? Try it without the gloves.

The meat on your palms, gonna give you a better grip.

Just... get in there.

It's gonna hurt a little bit, but...

I did it!

Keep it up and you'll have big, gross, calloused hands in no time.

Yes, sir!

Trudy!

Why aren't you makin' money for me?

Lois called me a mean name.

Lois, is that true?

She said I look like a ghoul.

Well, there's nothing wrong with being a ghoul, except you're not.

I'm a ghoul.

Perry over there, now, well, that's a ghoul.

Disgusting! Eech!

I think this might be a good reminder for everybody.

Hey, hey, listen up!

Little break here real quick, everybody.

Okay.

Reminder, we're all really, really lucky to be here.

Believe me, I have seen some shit out there.

But here, we got it made.

We got a roof over our heads, a very well-defended perimeter.

-What about water? -Just drink the soda, alright?

You-- you know what the best part about this place is?

Nobody wakes you up in the morning to do push-ups

or makes you carry around a big old bag all the time.

All in all, I'd say life's pretty good.

What do we always say?

Most kids are dead by this age!

Okay, back to work.

Go!

Keep up!

Keep moving!

You lost your Legionary.

Please. Please. Please. Pl--

The enemy horde has been relocating their artillery farther north.

So, to counterbalance, we need to relocate ours as well.

Ave, profligate.

Yes.

Hi, sir.

How dare you address the great Caesar?

"Kai-sar"? You...

Do-- do you mean Caesar?

I believe Kaisers were German, and you guys

have more of a Roman theme, so...

I-- I think it's Caesar.

This is the one.

Sir, please. Um, I see that this is a...

um... work camp.

-And if I may, I'm a very-- -Shh.

We're negotiating the rights to your prima noctis.

Prima noctis?

Okay. First of all, shame on you.

That is awful.

And secondly, prima noctis isn't even a Roman tradition.

It's from the Middle Ages. They were just nasty people

borrowing a Latin phrase.

And as much as I want to respect your traditions...

there is a line to all that, which I think we have found.

And you should know that I am not even a virgin.

And that's not including

all of the cousin stuff I did, which is at least a page or two on my resume.

So, looks like we're out of options.

If you don't mind me saying, it seems like you guys

might have lost your way out here.

I wouldn't expect a profligate like you to understand.

-We're at war. -With who?

The New California Republic.

The Khans. The Brotherhood.

But first, we must conquer

the unrepentant members of Caesar's Legion.

Over there.

All hail Caesar!

There's two Caesars?

The great founder of this Empire, he died.

We've been at war ever since over who should be his heir.

He wrote down the name of his successor.

He placed it into his divine pocket.

But every time we try to retrieve it,

the false Caesar and his followers, they shoot at us.

We are at a stalemate.

I may be able to help you.

I have experience with family counseling,

and sometimes conflict resolution...

it's easier than you think.

Oh, geez.

Excuse me!

This isn't Rome, okay? This is America!

- Is it? - Yeah, it is.

At least according to all the maps.

Maps drawn by the dead.

All that remains of America

is the overwhelming evidence of its failure.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we have a war to win.

You know, speaking as someone

who's seen upwards of 15 different movies,

if you think everyone else is the bad guy,

chances are, you're the bad guy.

But "good" is not a meaningful vector in history.

Only strength.

Ah!

Yeah, well...

How 'bout a boat that's not a boat. You know what I mean?

Of course, you do.

You take out one plank...

boat's the same as it ever was.

It's just got a-- a hole in it, that's all.

You take out a-- a lot of planks...

and all of a sudden, you gotta ask yourself...

...what-- what the fuck am I looking at?

This ain't no boat.

It's just a-- a pile of wood, man.

It's just a fuckin' pile of wood.

I don't know what I'm tellin' you all this for.

I know you already know all this.

It's just been a while...

since I had someone worth talkin' to.

That's all.

You okay?

Yeah, I, uh...

I just... I-I can't seem to get Janey's teddy into the Keepsake Box.

For the Vault.

I just hate leaving anything behind, you know?

Well, we may not have to, right?

Well, I've gotta go to this thing for Charlie.

Okay.

What do you know about Robert House?

All I heard is that he's building some kind of weapons system in Vegas.

Our intel thinks it's connected to what you heard Barb talking about.

Your intel?

It's blueprints and a bunch of phone records.

What else am I supposed to call that?

Intel, I guess.

Well, do you know what your boss wants me to do to him?

Mm.

I didn't know.

Look, I wanna help. I'll do whatever I can.

But there's gotta be another way.

Look where we are, Coop.

Half the guys in here have killed people.

Maybe not the right ones.

Robert House is just one person.

My name is Diane Welch,

congresswoman for the District of Glendale.

And if you've never heard of me,

it's probably because I'm the only sitting congressperson

in this administration to have refused corporate funding.

So, while I may not be able to afford TV spots and billboards,

I don't think America can afford

any more corporate influence in Washington.

Get on with it.

Okay.

Well, today isn't about me,

it's about you and the sacrifices you've made for this great nation.

As a friend to our brothers and sisters in the armed forces,

it is my honor to award...

Um, let me just find my card here.

Oh.

The story of today's first honoree is just...

I'm gonna go hit the head.