Anaconda

Ana.

Ana!

We start tight on a full moon.

Milky. Almost yellow.

And we crane down

to reveal an idyllic, suburban street.

We float past a series of white picket fences,

until we settle on a sewer grate.

Pow! Flies open!

Something big and scaly slithers out,

fast, hungry, definitely not human,

as a pulsating score kicks in.

We're on the back of the beast

as it slithers menacingly towards a little blue house.

Wait. I'm sorry.

This is our wedding video you're talking about?

Yes, though I actually don't think of them as videos. They're more like short films.

Yeah, because I'm not sure this is quite what we had in mind.

Okay. I know. It's a little different than normal, but--

We really liked the one you did for Karen and Bart.

When they walk by the river

-and jump up and high-five. -That jump was dope.

And I loved that song they used.

You know it. Yeah. Um, guys. Uh, here's the thing.

I really like you guys. And you said you're horror fans,

and I'm like, "I love horror so much."

And I thought this could be special. You know what I mean?

This is a film you're gonna watch for the rest of your lives.

But this isn't a film, Doug.

This is a wedding video, and we want one where they do a little jump.

Yeah. Now, can you do that for us or not?

Okay.

And do you mind if I'm doing warm-ups? Is it okay?

Oh, yeah. I've seen much crazier.

Okay, good.

Does it sound better to say my line,

"His vision is blurry, which could suggest..."

or, "His vision is blurry, which could suggest..."

Or I could-- You know what? I could even do, like, an accent. I could do just...

I think you just should do it the way you auditioned it, honey.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

It's been a while since I booked anything,

and I just want it to go well.

-Yeah. -I just...

It's hard out there.

Sorry.

Doctor number 3, we're ready for you.

Okay, knock 'em dead.

Okay, thanks. Thank you, Donna.

Hey, by the way, if you ever need anything from Lowe's,

I will hook you up with my employee discount,

no questions asked.

Okay? Okay.

Thanks. Ten more ccs of tramadol.

Any idea what I'm looking at here?

He said his vision was blurry,

so, you know, that could suggest-- Optic neuritis.

Already ruled that out.

- Cut. - That's a cut!

Hey, buddy, not sure what that accent is.

Just do it normally, okay?

We're gonna go again right away. Set.

He said his vision was blurry,

which could suggest--

Cut! Say the line faster. Okay? Faster this time.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest--

Cut! Jesus, I think we gotta fire this guy.

Can we get somebody else in here?

["Have You Ever Seen the Rain?" playing]

Griff, it's Doug. I just ran into your mom at the supermarket.

She said you booked a big gig today.

I'm proud of you, bud.

Everyone in Buffalo misses you.

I love you. Come visit, man!

Jesus, Jerry.

Doug, what is this thing about-- there's some kind of a sewer monster?

Oh, boy.

Doug.

Look, I get that this is not what you dreamed about when you were a kid.

But dreams, they go. Huh?

Now, I'll be retiring soon.

And, Doug, it is only a matter of time before all this is yours.

Really? Yeah.

Look around. Take it all in.

And imagine.

If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet setup we got here.

This is a B, and maybe even a B+ life we're talking about.

Hmm.

Are you sure you don't wanna do anything

for your birthday?

You used to make me celebrate your half-birthdays.

Let's go get a beer.

Or something.

Maybe we just watch that new mountain climbing doc.

About the lady that falls to her own death?

Yeah.

Fine, we can do the one about the free diver in the Maldives.

Who drowns? Jesus Christ, Doug.

I don't know. Let's just take a gummy and go to bed early.

Surprise!

Oh, my God, Malie. No!

Oh, yes. Yes, you love a good, big birthday party.

Dad, should've seen your face.

-You knew about this? -It was my idea.

Buddy, take my coat, please. Thank you. Okay.

Hey! How are you?

Yeah. Happy birthday! Jesus, Kenny. My back!

I'm sorry. No! That's not...

The actual lotion. The actual basket.

"It puts the lotion in the basket"?

eBay, buddy. Dude, that is sick.

Yeah, no, that is actually sick.

Oh!

Happy birthday, Dougie.

Thanks for making the trek, Claire.

You know I love Buffalo this time of year. The slush, the hypothermia.

What's up? No Trent?

No Trent.

Ever again, in fact.

He started banging his dental hygienist. Ugh.

Anyway, tonight is all about you, baby.

It's about me. It's about you.

You came! Here you are. Oh, my God.

It's been too long, pal.

It's so good to see you. It has been way too long.

Happy birthday.

Thank you for coming out here.

Think I'm gonna miss this? Never. Oh.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

Many years ago, a group of young, passionate artists had a vision.

It was a vision that's not particularly original or even, uh, good...

...but it was theirs.

And so they made that vision a reality.

And, without further ado,

I present to you a completely unrestored print

of 13-year-old Doug McCallister's masterpiece, The Quatch.

What? I thought we lost all the copies of that!

No way. Nope.

I found it in my mom's garage.

It was stuck in the player.

Are we sure this is okay for the kids to watch?

Who gives a shit?

Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears

so we could show it at the school assembly.

Yeah, which didn't make much sense

because we were very clear about it being R-rated.

-Happy birthday, pal. - This isn't happening.

Oh, it's happening. Here we go.

God. Here, sit.

Oh, I'm gonna kill you.

-I haven't changed a bit. -

Holy ****!

Oh!

- Look at the grass! -Hot on the trail!

-Look out for the quatch. - Here we go.

Before you **** strike me, I need to **** ask you one **** thing.

You got some **** bite left? Or you all **** bark?

Boom!

Damn, we'd been watching a lot of Scorsese.

We didn't quite have the ear for it, did we?

-I need to tell you something. -What is it?

That I love you. I've always loved you.

And I always **** will.

I **** love you too.

Now, kiss me, woman.

So much charisma. Already, you had it.

I still can't believe I let Doug talk me into doing that.

What are you talking about? That was your idea.

- - Yeah!

-It's coming for us. - We're trapped.

What the hell are we gonna do?

- No! - Yes.

Oh, my God. We're all gonna die!

This is where it gets real.

Not on my watch, mister.

-Boom! -Yeah!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Amazing!