Peep Show

Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

I'm not sick but I'm not well

And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in hell

God, you're great.

Thanks, Jez. You're great, too.

Sometimes, I'd like to die and climb inside you.

OK.

'Was that too much? No. Go on, ask her.'

Nancy, I was wondering whether you'd consider being, maybe,

my proper, you know, just-you-and-me, girlfriend.

Wow. Um... I don't know. I mean, that's really nice, Jeremy, but...

'There's always a "but".'

We're so different.

I've got my religion, my yogacize, my charity stuff.

I just... don't know where you'd fit in as a boyfriend.

But I really like you and we have a great time together.

Well, I really like you too, and we do have a good time together, but...

'That's the second "but".'

What about all the other stuff?

Other stuff?

Look, obviously, God wanted us to enjoy ourselves.

I mean, that's why he invented pills, clubs, lube and hardcore.

But he also wanted us to give something back.

And that's why he created the homeless, the lepers and the oil spills.

'God, suck up to God.'

Nancy, listen. The only reason that I don't go to church

is that, for me, everything's a church.

This room is my church.

The hall is my church.

Costcutter's is a bloody cathedral.

That's really nice, Jeremy.

It's just not true, is it?

'End of quarter sales push. Pulling an all-nighter.

'One of the few in my Spitfire.

'Who am I kidding? I probably would have crashed my training plane in the Phony War.'

'Uh-oh, bollocks! Giggling, sharing.

'Shall I intervene? No.

'It's fine. It's totally fine. Que sera, sera,

'whatever will be, will be.

'The future's not ours to see.

'lf she fucks him, I'll kill myself.'

All right there, mate?

Hi.

Hobnobs. Thought you might like some, mate.

You know, pulling an all-nighter, we're all in it together, mate.

Right.

'Hope this works.'

Well, that's nice.

Do you want to come in?

'Mate! The magic code word.

'Instant rapport with taxi drivers, builders and garage men.'

Blimey, mate. Look at all these TVs.

You can see it all from in here, can't you?

Yep. So, er, what's your name, pal?

'Pal? Is he a pal person? '

Mark, pal.

Ah, Terry. Mark here's brought us some biscuits.

Cheers, mate.

'Now we're back to mate! This is a nightmare.'

No problem, mate, pal.

So, I bet I can see my... mates from up here, yeah?

Oh, yeah, look, there they are. Laughing away like a pair of bloody idiots at absolutely nothing.

Your mate's getting fresh, is he?

'Oh, God! Oh, God! No! '

Hey, Tel. Get me a tape.

'Don't tape it, stop it! Charge up your tasers.'

Ooh, look at that!

That... is...

hilarious.

- Tell you what, he can give her one from me! - And me.

Ha-ha. Brilliant.

'God, I'm good. It's a Saturday night and I'm doing good.

'Come on, give us a smile! You don't know I'm here with an ulterior motive! '

- Jeremy! - Nancy!

Since when were you involved with street work?

Since forever. Bloody hell, this is amazing! I had no idea you were into this stuff, too!

Really? I'm pretty sure I mentioned it.

No, I don't think you did, because if you had, I'd have mentioned it too.

Right.

Yeah, I love hobos. Always have, always will. And they're a great bunch, the Jesus Cave Crew.

Yeah... Although, don't you think sometimes they can be a bit patronising?

Like, "Sorry we're out of soup and bread, but this is lucky, we have lots of wine and tiny wafers!"

Yeah, that is so whack!

I mean Jesus fed a multitude of followers with just five loaves and two fishes.

Matthew, chapter 14.

Nancy! >

See ya later, honey.

Later, baby!

'Mmm, I'll probably get to bone her later.' Cheer up, Beardie! Everything's coming up roses!

Another cup of tea, girlfriend?

I'm good, thanks.

Boyfriend.

Ah! This is the worst bit. I hate this bit. This is the worst bit.

Come on, mate. There's no point torturing yourself.

It's not torture, it's research!

Besides, I can torture myself if I want to. What are you going to do? Call Amnesty?

See? That! That's the push! She can't get away. He's some sort of animal.

- Did you see the push, Jeremy? - Yeah, sure, that looked terrible.

Looks like a one-off, though, doesn't it? A crazy flash in the pan. Don't you think?

Nancy, you're her friend. Give me your analysis.

I mean, did she tell you what happened... after?

Apparently, he took her to the bathroom for a little bit of...

but Sophie was totally not into it. - Oh.

So they went back to his place, they made out for hours and she jerked him off.

Oh.

But then he went away and he hasn't called and she's really pissed off about it.

Oh!

Brilliant.

And our ambition should be to kill clients. I mean actually kill them.

With our levels of service. So they're dead.

'She's not going to smile, Jeff. You can't laugh at someone you don't trust.

'It's like Mum singing the lumberjack song after she had her affair.'

So, Aberdeen. I need a couple of experienced credit managers up there

for ten days on-site personnel training.

I was thinking Sophie and Jeff.

'No, no, no! Ten days! He can wheedle his way back in in ten days! '

So, unless anyone else has any thoughts, let's wrap up and have a couple of frapuccinos.

- Yes, I have a thought. - Uh-huh.

I very much don't think it's a good idea.

Oh, OK. And why is that?

It's just a hunch, OK?

And I always trust my hunches.

Thanks, Columbo.

And, plus, Jeff doesn't have much experience.

The 2003 Scottish Consumer Directive, for example.

I really don't think that affects us, Alan.

Oh, it doesn't affect us that during the first phone contact

we're obliged to set out, without abbreviation, the terms of a standard repayment plan?

'I've shot you, Jeff, with a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations! '

So, Mark, would you be prepared to go up there with Sophie if that's the way things panned out?

Yeah, Alan, I suppose I could... probably make that.

'Even if I have to cut off all my limbs and crawl to Aberdeen on my tongue.'

I can't believe he's wormed his way back in.

Yeah. Well, his mum was really ill, apparently. That's why he didn't call Sophie.

Bastard! Perfect alibi.

Still, thanks for that heads up on the date, mate. Great to be able to monitor.

And if anyone asks, we're just having a lovely innocent picnic!

Oops. Looks like he's having a bit of trouble with the Humpty.

Keeps rolling on out.

Brilliant.

Although, apparently, she finds that amusing. They're laughing, Jez!

They're having a good time!

'Got to stop it. Throw a snack. Hit him on the head.

'No. Get them to film it. Build up a library of taped evidence.

'Right, evidence that I'm an obsessive voyeur.'

Bad news, bad news, bad news.

Jesus, Jeremy, one bus crash!

What about all the buses that made it safely to their destination?

Yeah. Yeah, this is such bullshit.

Yes, I suppose the news should be a dispassionate list

of all the events that have occurred during the day

That would be good. Except, of course, it would take for ever!

'... promised firm action to move on nuisance drinkers from... '

That's... That's... That's our picnic!

You can't see the Kettle Chips.

Ha-ha-ha! Bloody hell!

Whose business is it where you do your drinking?

I wasn't drinking, I was having a picnic!

Hello?

Mum, we were having a picnic.

Tell Dad it was a picnic. You can't see the crisps!

We had three different flavours of crisps!

Explain to him. And Scotch eggs!

Yeah, no, really, I'm... I'm fine. Listen, I've got to go.

Cock knobs!

Mark, don't worry. These things, they happen for a reason.

It might not seem like there's a plan, but there is a plan.

Oh, right. You believe in a god, do you?

Yes, I do. And you might find it a comfort at a time when...

No, there's no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines.

So does God. It's called the Bible.

Oh, yes, the Bible. And I wonder what the Bible's view is on you doing it

in the shower and the garden centre

and up the bum. I mean, that's all right, is it, that's in the Bible?

Or do you think maybe that's not in the Bible?

Mark!

I'm sure it is in the Bible, somewhere.

Probably in Corinthians. There's a load of weird shit in there.

'Are they staring? They're all staring at the drunk off the news.

'Yeah, well, fuck them! Me and Sophie are going to Aberdeen.

'I'll make everything all right in Aberdeen.

'They're probably not even staring. Just being paranoid, as usual.

'Oh, fuck! '

All right. Ha-ha Very funny

Yeah, I can take a joke as well as anyone else,

but, if there are any more jokes, I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal, OK?

Mark. Can I have a word?

Let me explain. It was a picnic. I'm currently speaking to Ofcom.

- Right. - I mean, we had three flavours of crisps.

- Sure. - Good. Well, I'm glad you understand.

Oh, I understand. Totally.

Mark, listen. I've been there.

I've been to the bottom of the bottle and back to the top.

No, Alan, I...

We're kindred spirits, Mark. Like George W or Alastair Campbell.

We want it all and we want it now.

And if we're not hitting our targets, we're hitting the bottle. Right?

Alan, I'm not an alcoholic.

Sure. Sure you're not. That's what I told myself every day for 15 years.