Adult Best Friends

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why are you in here?

Maddie said the seventh grade boys are sneaking over

for a kissing party.

-I know. I'm so nervous. -Then don't do it.

I'm calling my mom to pick me up.

You can't! Maddie said we all have to kiss them.

I don't wanna kiss.

Or wear thong underpants. I hate thong underpants.

But I'm worried if I wear normal underpants

and don't kiss and stuff,

then Maddie won't invite me to sleepovers anymore.

Well, you could sleep over at mine.

Tonight?

Yeah. I mean, we're not allowed to watch TV, which sucks,

but we could do braids.

-And I have a trundle bed. -I love trundle beds!

Do you have a best friend?

No. You?

No.

Hello, today...

- we're doing Katie's hair. - Yeah!

Yeah. So, that's Delaney's future.

You are going to be a doctor.

I don't wanna be a doctor!

This is Katie's future.

You are getting married to Daniel.

Daniel is so annoying.

Okay. Read another post. Give me a hard one.

Uh, okay. "From Seattle to Savannah.

What a long, strange trip it's been. #VanLife."

- Tom Breyer? - How did you know that?

'Cause Tom Breyer needs to get a job.

-Another one. Get a good one. -Let me find a good one. Okay.

Uh...

- Okay. This one's hard. - Okay.

"Here's to adulting forever with this one.

He put a ring on it!" Singular exclamation.

-Sarah Casper. -You're cheating.

I'm not cheating. I'm that good.

-She's engaged? -Yeah.

She's a child.

She is 32 years old.

Sarah Casper would throw it all away for, like, some random guy.

I don't think he's random.

They've been dating since college.

Do you have any snacks?

-Did you not eat dinner? -I had peanut butter.

-And what? -A spoon?

Oh, my God. Let me make you something.

I'll just have saltines when I get home.

Oh, my God, no. I'll make you, um--

I'll make you a turkey burger.

-I can put poblanos on top. -What's poblanos?

Oh, it's a giant Mexican pepper.

It's actually our favorite pepper.

Second only to the jalapeño. You'll love it, I promise.

- It's really good. - Mm-hmm.

Mmm, I'm fine, thank you.

Well, if you're not hungry,

maybe you want a joke that I heard today?

It made me think of you instantly.

Okay. This is very good.

Okay, so there-- there are two pigs in a pit of mud,

and-- and the wife pig, uh, turns to the husband and says...

No, no, the husband says to the wife.

You're right. You're right.

Um, the-- the husband pig says to the wife, "Hey,

-did you see Farmer Jane--" -Should we get going?

Party started nine o'clock, so...

Oh, you wanna go to that?

Yeah.

Really? My throat feels kind of weird.

I-- I feel like...

I don't know if I got everyone sick, but I--

-You don't feel warm. Feel good. -No? Oh, you feel cold.

-Okay. -Do you not wanna go?

Is it crazy to stay here?

I mean, we have food here, blankets here.

I'm comfortable, you're comfortable.

-We can watch a movie. -Yeah, but hey,

if Katie doesn't wanna go out, Delaney,

I'd love to go out with you.

Please don't make me go alone.

I'm nervous and I'll get too fucked up.

No, you will not.

Like, she doesn't even come out anymore,

because she's always with her boyfriend, "John."

I don't know why I did that. His name is John.

John.

John, you think she's okay, right?

Mm-hmm.

No, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go meet her.

I don't like him. Is that wrong to say? You know?

Like, if you don't like your best friend's boyfriend.

It's the way he makes her, if that makes sense.

Occupied!

Oh, you know what, though? My--

my contacts are already out.

And that's, like, a whole thing.

Only a year, and she moves in with him.

Kind of fast, if you ask me.

But nobody asked me.

I'm gonna go meet her for a little.

Okay?

John?

Yes, he's hot. I get it. I see it.

But he's boring.

Occupied!

- I think she's fine. - Mmm.

Yeah.

I'll come have sex.

How do you have the patience?

Well, we actually had an agreement

that if I set up his Wi-Fi,

he promised to wear boxers under his shorts

-during our PT sessions. -Oh, well.

-That could be worth it. -It's a give and a take,

- but, yeah. - Yeah.

-This looks nice, right? -Yeah, I like it.

-In the shade. It's good. -Okay, perfect.

Ah-- Oh.

Don't suppose I could get you

to call her back, maybe?

She gets so anxious when she's hungover.

Yeah, no, she does. I just, um--

-I just wanted to ask-- -How was it?

No, my Uber's now 27 minutes away!

Where are you?

I answered a 2:00 a.m. text from this guy.

And the drunker he got, the more he talked about Julia.

Yeah, not an ex. It's his female friend

that he's clearly in love with.

Did you hook up?

Yes. He asked me to role-play.

Oh, wow. Like, be a cheerleader or something? That's--

Oh, I wish. More like we're best friends and I suddenly

-see him in a new light. -Oh, my God.

I'm gonna order a pizza to my apartment. What do you want?

Ah, that sounds good. No, John and I are doing a-- a picnic.

Do you wanna come?

You know what? No. I'll-- I'll just try you later.

Okay. Bye.

All right. Bye.

Well, she's fine, but she met a new guy, and--

-Oh, my God! -It's okay!

-No, no, no-- -It's okay. It's okay.

As long as I have your undivided attention now.

-Yeah. -Yeah?

When I first moved here, it took me a while to get adjusted.

Yeah, you were mugged, like, three times that first week.

Right, well, I thought everyone needed directions. But then...

then I met you.

And you actually needed directions.

And I'm so, so glad

that I walked you into that coffee shop,

because you have made my life so much better

than I ever thought that I deserved.

Will you marry me?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah? Yeah.

I hate the art Katie left here.

- It's so gross. - It's sentimental.

Okay, well, I live here now, and I like actual art.

Let me just ask Katie if she wants it

before we throw it away.

Where is Katie? I feel like she's usually here by now, like,

complaining about some ugly house she can't sell.

She's doing a picnic with John.

Like, eating on the ground?

Yeah. I feel so bad for her.

You know, it's like she misses the party last night,

and now she has to waste her entire Sunday

doing a picnic with her boyfriend?

-Ugh. -Can I say something?

I really don't buy John's whole "I'm such a nice guy" thing.

Like, you're a pervert.

You literally touch old ladies all day.

That's his job. He's a physical therapist for old people.

Katie would fall for a pervert.

I mean, she's clueless. Remember that time she got you,

like, a briefcase filled with old papers for your birthday?

Those were my great-grandparents'

-birth certificates. -Why would you want that?

She likes thoughtful surprises.

She's exactly like my sister.

She's nothing like your sister.

Mary had one kid, and now she won't shut up

-about her pelvic floor. -Yeah, Mary's the worst.

And her baby isn't even cute.

I can't imagine having a baby right now.

It's actually disgusting to have a baby.

-Or getting married? -Kill me.

But we're pretty far from that.

"We," like, you and me.

No, me and Katie.

Delaney, what?

You and Katie are on totally different paths.

I mean, Katie lives with her boyfriend.

They're very serious. And you literally still, like,