Harley Quinn

What's on the docket for today?

So you know that thing I was referring to?

Oh, the rash. Oh, don't worry.

I used to get those all the time

when I was with men.

Let's get back to the skull we've been dreaming about.

Is it weird I'm starting to have sex dreams about it?

You too? Thank God.

Okay. Anyway, I think the skull is somehow related

to the strange shit that's been going on around here.

Really? Like what? Oh, hold that thought.

Hot dog stand!

But my point is that the murder of Jason Woodrue

and all the general weirdness in Metropolis

all started at the same time

people began having these skull dreams.

Okay, I don't think the skull dreams

and Woodrue's murder are related.

He was a giant dick.

That's why Ivy and I killed him.

Oh, shit!

- Taxi! - You can't write that.

- Ow! - That murder confession

was off the record.

You have to say it's off the record

or else it's on the record.

I'm going to the Daily Planet.

- Hey! - I take it back! And... And...

- And that's on the record! - Ugh!

There's no takesies-backsies in journalism.

You call that shit you write about Clayface's

stupid one-man shows "journalism"?

Perry White forced me to write those.

And for the record, I won a fucking Pulitzer!

And I won best non-singing role in a musical

in my Jewish Camp production of The Sound of Music.

So take that,

Ms. Pulitzer Winning, This Isn't My Real Neck Lane!

Wow. I did not think Lois had it in her.

You must have really pissed her off.

You said something about that fucking neck, didn't you?

So? So?

She was going on and on about her stupid Pulitzer

when I'm the one who won...

Best non-singing role in a musical

for The Sound of Music.

- I know. - If it was non-singing?

I guess you didn't play Maria.

No, she played the Hill.

The fucking Hill is not a character!

- No shit. - Yes, it is!

The Hills are alive, you assholes!

You can't be alive without being a character, okay?

Yeah. What the fuck, Frank?

Of course, the Hills are alive.

I mean, that's what the whole thing is about. So...

I'm willing to bet you never saw it, did you?

Shut up, Frank.

I'm not the one who made Harley cry.

You made Harley cry.

You the fuck made the waterworks

come out of face. I didn't do that!

I am not crying because of you, okay?

It's just that being in that play,

was my happy place to get away from my parents,

who were literally trying to murder each other.

And, oh, my God, what am I even doing with my life?

You see that right there? Huh?

That's crazy talk she just talked.

That's how you talk sometimes, Ivy.

Frank, uh... Stop it. Okay?

Baby, don't cry. Come here. Peanut? Listen.

You are a famous, successful, gorgeous

supervillain/superhero, right?

Yeah, but Lois won a Pulitzer,

you're the head of the Green Initiative,

whatever the hell that is.

And Frank owns some motel.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Motel?

You mean a resort so fancy,

our massages don't even have happy endings.

They just end. That's the definition of class.

Oui, oui!

And then there's me.

What do I do?

I just sit at home all day and talk shit about people.

Oh, my God!

I'm a housewife!

No-- Hey, you're not a good one.

Okay? The dishes are filthy...

No cookies baking in that oven.

And the last time you did laundry, this happened.

Even the Daily Planet agrees.

Says here you're really a murderer!

What?

Forty-eight!

So you're not 48?

Do I look like a fossil to you?

Also, I never technically confessed

to killing Jason Woodrue.

Lois really screwed the pooch on that one.

Well, I doubt it was Lois's fault.

Perhaps you've heard she has a Pool-itzer?

Oh, knock off the shit, Clayface.

Clayface?

What?

You mean the genius who performs

one-man shows by himself?

I know it's you, dumbass.

You want me to tell your secret to the whole bullpen,

or you wanna stop fucking around?

How did you know?

I thought my Perry White character was impenetrable.

Oh, it's very penetrable.

The dumb voice, the snotty way you pronounce "Pool-itzer",

the general douchey-ness.

I'm with you on Pool-itzer,

but I do think the douchey part was uncalled for.

Shut up, Bane. No one asked you.

I've literally only said one thing.

I'm just sitting here quietly, eating pistachio.

Then shove some more under that ridiculous luchador mask

while I ask Harley...

What would you have me do?

Make Lois print a retraction.

Ms. Lane! Come on.

Oh, what now? Yeah, Perry?

You have slandered Ms. Quinn.

You called her a murderer.

And 48!

An elderly murderer,

on the front page of a paper dedicated to celebrating

the brilliance of this Clayface fella,

who's definitely not me.

Print a retraction immediately!

Hell, no! I won a--

A fucking Pulitzer! We know!

See? No one cares, Lois.

You don't wanna believe me? Fine.

But that murder is part of something bigger

going on in Metropolis, Perry.

Something catastrophic.

And I will find out what.

I don't know, Harley,

I mean, if something catastrophic is going on...

What's that, Clay?

I was just about to tell Ms. Lane

to stop falsely accusing Harley,

because nothing catastrophic

is about to happen in Metropolis.

That's it. I, Lois Joanne Lane,

quit the Daily Planet.

Oh! That's Lady Gaga's middle name.

Look how adorable Harley is.

Disagree. Their murder and mayhem

has plummeted my perfection meter.

If it keeps falling,

I will never be able to bottle the city.

What is that, Koko?

Koko thinks this would not have happened

if you did not stop me from killing them earlier.

Because Harley and Ivy are the only ones

who are any fun in this stupid city.

Huh? Ah!

Koko says you are lying.

There is more to it.

Oh, fuck Koko.

Just bottle the goddamn city already,

so I can start ruling it, like you promised.

I will, when it is perfect.

Oh, like you?

What do you know about perfect?

You're the one talking to a dead monkey.

- Koko is not dead! - Oh, no?

- Then what are these? - Stop that!

Stop what? Throwing your dead monkey at you.

If he's so alive, what are these bones from?

Stop that! You are upsetting him!

And you are crazy.

Crazy?

I am not crazy.

I am infallible!

Then why did you need me?

I'll tell you why.

Because you don't understand humans.

Your fucking perfection meter was in the shitter

when you came begging for my help.

Get off my ship!

You are no longer needed.

Wait, what? No, we had a deal.

You promised me I could rule Metropolis.

And now I un-promise you.

You're a fake and a liar!

You're just a stupid, lying robot!

And you are just an ordinary human

who will reside, frozen in a bottle.

Just like all the others.

How dare you? We had a deal, you...

Goodbye, Lena Luthor.

It's all right, Koko.