Happiness

Andy?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Sure. I'm fine.

Good.

Well, I had a really nice time.

Yeah.

Me too.

Of course, you know I've always had a really nice time with you.

Same here.

But...

Yeah?

You understand?

Uh-huh.

Well, the food here was excellent.

I'm gonna recommend it to my sisters.

How many stars did it get?

Three and a half.

Oh.

Do you feel better now?

- Me too. - Sorry.

It's really good--

- It's good we had this talk. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Before things went too far, you know?

- Got too serious. - Yeah.

- Uh... I mean, are you sure? - Oh, yes.

Is it someone else?

No. It's just you.

Hey, I wanna show you something I got you.

- For me? - Here, open it up.

Oh, but, Andy, this is...

Oh.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Thanks.

It's a Gansevoort reproduction.

Boston, late 1880s.

I sent away for it right after we had our...

first date.

Oh, I just love it. It's...

- It's a collector's item. - Yeah.

Yeah. It is pretty special.

It almost makes me wanna learn how to smoke.

Hey, look at the back.

Ooh.

That's a 40-karat, gold-plated, inlaid base.

Oh, Andy, I just love it. It's...

This really means something to me.

I'll always treasure it as a token.

No, you won't.

'Cause this is for the girl who loves me.

The girl who cares about me, for who I am.

Not what I look like.

I just wanted you to know what you'd be missing.

You think I don't appreciate art.

You think I don't understand fashion.

You think I'm not hip.

You think I'm pathetic. A nerd.

A lardass fatso.

You think I'm shit.

Well, you're wrong.

'Cause I'm champagne.

And you're shit.

And till the day you die, you, not me,

will always be shit!

I don't know.

But whenever I see her, I just wanna...

You know, I wanna...

undress her.

I wanna tie her up.

I wanna pump her.

Uh... Pump, pump, pump.

Till she screams bloody murder.

And then I wanna flip her ass over and then pump her even more.

And so hard that my dick shoots right through her.

And that my come squirts out of her mouth.

And not that I could ever...

you know, actually do that.

See?

If she only knew how I felt.

You know, deep down, I really cared for her.

Respected her.

She would love me back.

Maybe.

Oh, she doesn't even know I exist.

I mean, she knows I exist.

I mean, we are neighbors, you know, we...

you know, smile politely at each other, but...

I don't know I could ever really begin to talk to her.

I mean, what could I talk about? I have nothing to talk about, I'm boring.

I know.

I've been told before, so don't tell me it's not true.

'Cause it's a fact. I bore people. People look at me and they get bored.

People listen to me and they zone out, bored.

"Who is that boring person?" they think.

"I have never before met anyone so boring."

And for her to see how boring I am...

A gallon of skim milk.

A dozen eggs.

One of those disposable cameras for the weekend.

And stop at the 7-Eleven on the way home.

I gotta get the dry cleaning for Trish.

I gotta check Billy's homework,

and call Mrs. Mitchell about her appointment on Tuesday.

I gotta reschedule the dentist.

But you know what I'm gonna do?

I gotta get the dog cleaned.

The next time I see her...

as soon as I see her...

I'm just gonna tell her...

I'm gonna tell her that I, uh...

find her...

attractive.

Good evening, Miss Jordan.

How--? How's it going?

Okay.

- See you. - Yeah.

I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you'll be coming out of your ears.

Fuck you.

Yeah?

No, fuck you.

I'll fuck you. I'll fuck you really hard.

So hard, you won't even...

Hello?

Hello, is this Claire?

Who is this?

Die, Aunt Joy! Die!

- Timmy! - It's okay, Trish.

He's going through a phase. Leave him alone.

- I know, but-- - It's okay. I'm strong enough.

I blame it on cartoons, they are so full of violence.

What's with the people that are making cartoons?

That's what you have to-- Joy?

Joy, what's the matter?

I don't know what it is, I just feel there's so much...

hostility directed at me.

Oh, honey, did another guy dump you?

No, I...

Oh, I just feel terrible.

Aw, sweetie, Timmy didn't mean it.

No. I know, I know. I'm sorry, I just...

I'm overworked, that's all.

It's okay.

It's okay, 'cause now maybe you'll listen to me.

What?

- You have got to eat red meat. - Oh, Trish.

I knew that's how you'd react, but I'm telling you, it's true.

I've been watching you.

- Well, my doctor says just once a month. - I know.

Really, it's the best thing for the skin.

- It'll clear it right up. - What's wrong with my skin?

Well, it's fine now, but in another few years...

Please, Joy.

- I'm just speaking for your own good. - Oh, I know. I know. Thanks.

- I'm so happy. - You are?

Yeah. I mean being around you and the kids and, you know, Kooki.

- You really are? - Yeah.

Oh, honey, I'm so happy you're happy.

'Cause all this time I've been thinking you were so miserable.

Oh, Trish. That's too funny, when I couldn't be happier.

- It's just with your music career-- - Oh, my career's fine.

Oh, I know. I know it will be. I just know it.

And then you'll move out of Mom and Dad's.

- Real soon. - And you'll meet Mr. Right.

Oh, I will.

- Already, I feel I'm off to a fresh start. - That's right.

Just because you've hit 30 doesn't mean you can't be fresh anymore.

You know, Joy, I've never told you this before,

but now that we're older, and...

I feel so bonded to you.

Well, the truth is...

Oh, I know this is gonna sound horrible.

I just feel I have to be fully open with you,

and just get beyond all the old barriers and the sibling nonsense.

You know, I--

Well, the truth is, I always thought that you'd never amount to much.

That you would end up alone, without a career or anything.

I mean, really, it's what we all thought.

Mom, Dad, Helen, everyone.

Oh, I always prayed we'd all be wrong,

but somehow you always just seemed so doomed to failure.

But now I see that's not true.

There's a glimmer of hope for you after all.

But I'm sorry, I know I'm repeating myself.

I'm just really happy for you.

- Oh, Trish. - Oh...

And how is this different?

I don't kill myself at the end.

Do you see this as something positive?

Gee, well, I don't know.

How do you feel at the end?

Much better.

I wake up happy.

Feeling good.

But then I get very depressed because I'm living in reality.

And what about your family?

Trish is good to me.

But... still no sex?

No.

But she's not too interested either,

so, really, there's no problem there...