The Righteous Gemstones

Here we go now...

Gemstone roll call !

I say Jesse, where ya at !

C'mon, Judy-Leigh ! Get on out here !

Alright ! Kelvin, you still here ?

Yeah !

Hey everybody

Good God almighty

It's my favorite time of the year

Aimee-Leigh's birthday celebration

So happy everybody is here

Raising money

Lifting spirits

Celebration

Celebrating

Mama's birthday

Happy birthday sister !

Jesus Christ, can you hear us ?

Thank you for coming out

to the Aimee-Leigh Gemstone Birthday Telethon !

Well, you know we couldn't leave ya without one more little ditty.

Let's send em home.

Look out now !

Rising up !

Higher ! Higher !

Shit ! Fuck !

Goddamnit !

Oh shit !

Jesus Christ !

Oh God !

Cut ! Cut ! Cut Goddamnit !

This is the whole damn climax of the telethon...

I feel unsafe dude.

We can't be messing this up on live TV !

- Turn it off ! - Get it off me !

Get it off me !

Oh fuck me !

The fucking thing is spinning out.

Jesus Christ !

Turn it off !

Ah, fuck my handsome white ass.

Y'all better learn them jetpacks.

You looking like a bunch of rank amateurs.

We are amateurs, asshole. We never done no dang jetpacks before.

Jetpacks are for authentic G.l. Joe boys.

And these fucking fairy wings get caught on everything.

I hate this costume... it sucks.

Fairy wings ? Is that what these are ?

No they ain't fairy wings ! They angel wings, dummy !

Well, whatever kind of wings they are, I'm not doing this shit.

The hell you ain't ! Yall wearin' them jetpacks.

Take it off !

Now where the hell is Eli ?

We can't have no birthday telethon celebration without Eli.

Daddy's checked out these days, he don't show up for shit no more.

That's disrespect to my sister.

The only reason we doing this whole thing is to honor her.

And Eli can't be bothered ?

Just a little ol, fat little pig.

- Dang, Uncle Baby Billy ! - Put some damn drawers on.

No yall need to see this. Behold look at this.

That's my privates, right there.

This is what a fucking man looks like.

This how I roll. Balls out and claws out.

You are literally swinging your dick around.

People in this family need to recognize

what side of the bread got butter on it.

Oh goddamnit !

Now, I'm the one who booked all these people

to come and celebrate Aimee-Leigh.

A damn star-studded event.

Now, if Eli is a no-show,

this whole telethon ain't gonna feel legit.

Now that you need to do is call yall daddy,

and get his ass to come.

We call our daddy, he don't pick up.

We ain't talked to that fool in weeks.

We think he's going through a mid-life thing or something.

Mid-life ? That motherfucker is older than me.

He ain't halfway through nothing.

Bottom of the ninth with two outs.

Mid-life. He wishes he was mid life.

Fuck Eli Gemstone.

Good morning. I made you some eggs.

Ah hot damn.

Just thought I'd get you on your way with some sunny sides.

I think there's a hair in my eggs, Captain.

I'd like to return these to the kitchen

and get that thick breakfast sausage instead.

Rise and shine.

I'm all out of shine, I think.

I'm definitely out of rise.

Why you goin' all cold fish on me ? You married or something ?

Oh I ain't married.

I thought we should talk about some things.

We have fun. I like hanging out with you.

I'm just...

It seems like you're wanting more.

With spending the night and such.

I just ain't there.

And you figured all this out right after we finally fucked ?

We sixty-nined for 40 minutes straight.

I had a nice time last night. I hope you did too.

I'm just not ready to be serious with anyone.

I'm just trying to have fun.

If you don't like me you can just say.

I don't like you....

I'm sorry.

Come on !

Fuck me.

Not exactly the same as the compound, but it's cozy.

Damn, Daddy, you out here getting drunk on the sea ?

I enjoy a margarita or two. It's part of the lifestyle out here.

Lifestyle ? Really ?

Okay... Maybe Daddy needs a time-out.

Yeah, and a goddamn men's haircut. That might be nice.

Ew, is this a woman's bra ?

Thats for tits !

Are you dating ? Is this proof of your sex, Daddy ?

It's not what you think it is. I use it for fishing. It's for bait.

Oh thank God. I was thinking maybe daddy

found some saggy titted sea hag to replace Momma.

I about flipped my shit over here !

Look I was fixin' to start crying ! Look at my eyes !

Could you even imagine if Daddy met someone new !

Yucky ducks...

That'd be the fucking worst.

Luckily all of Daddy's loin desires have disappeared.

Daddy's nuts done dried.

All your dick juices are gone cause Momma's got em in a jar in heaven.

What can I do for you kids ?

Ain't nobody heard about whether you're coming back

for Momma's birthday celebration telethon.

Just curious if maybe your RSVP is floating in some bottle out here ?

I'm not gonna make it.

What ? How come ? It's for Momma, Daddy !

Yeah, that's your dead wife ? Remember dude ?

Of course. I've just out here...

I'm trying to wrestle with things. Trying to figure out what I need.

Look at this mother fucker here...

This dude's out here wasting away in Margaritaville.

Thinking he is fucking Robinson Crusoe.

Like you Fucking Tom Hanks from that one motion picture...

Philadelphia ?

Not the AIDS one. The by hisself one.

The... No dang. I just had it.

The by hisself one... What is the fucking Tom Hanks by hisself one.

- Castaway. - Castaway. Bingo.

Thats what you doing daddy.

You're out here acting like you're in that goddamn motion picture.

I'm not gonna make it for the telethon.

I'm sorry. My head's just not in the right place.

Alright well... If you don't love Momma no more

and just want to sit out here and float around

smelling like fish pussy all day, go ahead.

Yeah boy, smell like minge for the rest of yo' days.

- Minge ? - Pussy, Daddy.

Ah Kelvin... Don't you say that word, please.

We growns, Daddy. We say whatever the hell we want to.

We can say pussy on a loop fifty times if we do so desire.

And if Daddy ain't gonna come to Momma's Birthday,

he finna get hit with that pussy loop.

Yep.... Wait, what are we doing ?

Daddy we'e gonna give you to the count of three

to tell us you coming back.

- One... - Call it off.

- Two... - I'm not coming.

Then let the pussies begin.

Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy...

Fine ! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, just stop saying pussy.

Yes ! Great job !

Nice Job BJ !

Thanks, Tanya. I appreciate your guidance.

Of course.

Goddang, Beej.

Watching you work that pole has got me slick, boy.

'Bout to start finger dancin' on my snapdragz.

Talking bout Putty cat.

- I'II see you next class BJ. - Okay.

Yeah, walk that tight ass away.

Go sit on a hot car hood, cunt.

Jeez-Louise. You okay, Jude ?

Yeah I'm fine. Just looking 'round at all these fit slits,

and I'm feeling like, "what the fuck ?"

Why do you need hobbies and shit ? Don't I give you a good life ?

Of course you do, Judy, but a man can have hobbies.

The physical rigor and slightly taboo nature of pole

has engaged the healthy obsessive in me.

I want to get good at this.

It's all about core body strength. Not peeping tight asses.

Come on...

So you must be super stoked you got Daddy to come back for the Telethon.

Props on that.

Thanks, dude. I was right on the verge

of estranging his flat ass if he was gonna say no.

Even wrote a "fuck you" note. Cut out words from magazines.

Smeared dog shit on it with a dollar store spatula

just in case he chose not to come.

But now he is back and he is here for Momma's memory.

And he's here for what matters and that's me, Jesse, and Kelvin.