The Wrong Paris

- Hey, Max. - Hey, sis.

- Morning, Grandma. - Morning.

Did anyone get the mail this morning?

Nope.

Emily, did you get the mail?

She's watching The Honey Pot again.

- Hey! - Will you take the money or the honey?

I take the honey!

- You're obsessed. - I got the mail this morning.

It's from France.

I got in.

- You got in? - Dawn!

I got in!

Oh, Dawn, your mother would be so proud!

- This was her dream for you! - You're going to school in Paris!

Oh my God! Wait, let me see!

Wait, what's this part about no available student housing?

Uh, it says, "Your request for financial aid has been declined."

"The estimated tuition and living costs are... 30,000 a year."

Is your Paris fund going to cover that?

We can talk details later.

I'm gonna be late for work. Birdie, I'm gonna pick up your meds.

Max, don't forget to bring your sheet music home from choir.

- Yeah. - I'm out of here.

Whoa! You hardly ate anything.

Thanks, Birdie. Bye, guys!

Stay off your phone. Eat your breakfast.

You scared the hell out of me.

Sorry. I saw your face back there. What's wrong?

I don't have the money.

What? You've been saving for years.

Insurance didn't cover everything for Birdie's fall last year.

Wait, you used your Paris funds for that? How much do you have?

Enough for the first year's tuition.

After that, I can't cover a plane ticket, much less housing.

Don't tell Birdie yet.

Okay. But this is what you and Mom always dreamt of. There's got to be a way.

I'll figure it out.

Hey, can I hitch a ride into town? I need to stop by Piggly Wiggly.

Get in.

Thank you.

Order's up!

Thanks.

- Here you go, Buck. - Mm.

Hey, Dawn, you ever going to give me another shot?

Levi, it's been two years. Let it go.

Plus, I know for a fact that you've been dating Tammy from the DQ.

- Where'd you hear that? - Everywhere.

Guess I'm worth talking about, then.

Ew.

Dawn, I know how you're getting to Paris.

The Honey Pot is heading to Paris and we want you.

You want me to audition for The Honey Pot?

Yep.

Like some cream with your crazy?

Come on! Auditions are this Saturday in Dallas.

If they pick you, there's a $20,000 appearance fee.

And the only reason I know that

is 'cause last year's runner-up used it to get butt implants.

More coffee?

But listen, you don't even have to do the entire show.

Once you're eliminated, you're already gonna be in Paris with a big fat check.

I don't even watch The Honey Pot. They'd see right through me.

That's not a problem. I'll coach you.

Dawn, you know that the Academie d'Art can jumpstart your career.

You should have let me help you with Birdie last year.

Let me help you get to Paris.

- All right. - Really?

But I'm not getting butt implants.

Each season, The Honey Pot features a rich single hottie,

and it always takes place on the bachelor's swanky estate,

where he starts picking them off one by one

until he finds his one true love in a very intense season finale

because that is when she decides if she wants him or the money.

- How much money? - Quarter of a million dollars.

Who would ever pick the guy?

Oh, almost all of them.

Because they're trapped in the love vortex.

What is a love vortex?

Well, imagine a world with only one man in it...

- Pretty lean. - ...and 20 women.

Getting worse.

Every activity is designed to trigger that primal quest for love and mating.

Okay, so I've broken down the contestant's typical behavior.

To make sure you get kicked off right away,

- you do the opposite. - Got it.

So they always flip their hair and they look longingly into his eyes,

so you cannot lock eyes with him.

And it's a really big deal who gets to kiss him first,

so make sure that it's not you.

Right. So no flippin', no lookin', no longin', no kissin'.

Yes. And then I have no idea why, but no one ever eats on these shows.

So just feel free to stuff your face.

This is crazy.

I never should have told you that I drained my Paris fund.

You spent your Paris fund?

For what?

Dawn paid for some of your bills after the accident last year.

I didn't want you to worry.

Dawn Francis, that was not your decision to make.

Uh-oh, she put middle name.

This is so like you, trying to control every situation but your own.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

I watch you working in the barn year after year,

but you never put out any of your pieces, did you?

- That's not true. - Yes, it is.

And now you are spending your savings to cover something

that you and I could have worked out together.

Piffle!

You're scared.

No, I'm not.

You know what's the scariest thing that you have to face?

- An angry grandmother? - Mm.

Opportunity.

It's okay to be scared, honey. But it's not okay to hide.

Because you're good.

And I suspect you might be great.

But you've got to commit yourself in order to find out.

All right.

Toss me into the vortex and sign me up.

So, what kind of girls audition for these shows?

Oh, well, you've got all types of girls. You have the Cinderella type.

I have been dreaming my whole life of finding my prince.

I am done kissing frogs. They eat them in France, you know.

You've got the rough around the edges type.

I'm a biker chick. I'm out here looking for my ride or die.

But on the low-low, I just want someone to get freaky with.

The one with baby fever.

Whoo!

Sorry, I get hot when I'm ovulating.

It's happening now.

They lean into the stereotypes. Yeah.

What type am I?

You're the small-town girl type.

- No. - Yes.

Oh, small-town girl type?

Without a doubt.

And camera is rolling.

Okay, so I see here that, uh, you're from a small town?

Yep. 4,026.

Oh, wow. So everyone's your cousin, huh?

Is that why you want to be on the show? Maybe a larger pool of men to choose from?

Oh, totally.

Also, I have been watching The Honey Pot

- since the first season... - Ah.

- ...when Annika... - Which one was Annika?

...fell in love with

the blind pilot.

From 'Nam.

Oh, you mean Danika. And that was the bush pilot from Nome.

Alaska.

You don't know anything about the show.

I kind of watch it. I've seen a few eps.

Are those crib notes?

What? Where?

On your hand.

Shit.

Get security! How did she get in here? This is crazy!

I'm messing with you.

You do not need to know that much about the show.

Tell me about Dawn Blanton.

I'm an artist.

Or at least, I really want to be.

So it's not your day job?

No. I'm a waitress.

I serve coffee and pie to people I've known my whole life.

Dawn, what do you know about Paris?

Only that it's filled with light and art and...

that it's the most beautiful city in the world.

It is.

So you're not currently in a relationship?

- No. - Okay.

And if I can just be totally honest,

I just really don't want to get stuck where I grew up.

I get it.

Dawn, this was really lovely. Thank you so much for coming in.

Okay. Um, yeah, it was really nice meeting you.

- No, it was such a pleasure. - Yeah. We'll be in touch.

- What was that? - What?

- We can hear you. - And?

And I liked her.

- You know what I would like? - Mm.

Contestants with big social media followings

to help us boost our tanking viewership.

Well, you should have thought about that

before you had the genius idea to get rid of our host for the season.

Did you forget that I'm your boss?

Did you forget to tell the network I came up with the Paris twist?

- No, I'll... I'll tell them. - When?

- I'll tell them, okay? What do you want? - I want you to say yes to Dawn.

No.

Huge numbers. Social media following.

Thank y'all for following along all the way from Nashville.

I made it to Dallas.

I'm at The Honey Pot casting office. Let's look at all the girls.

- They look so gorgeous! - Nailed it.

- Really? - No.

This is it. I am here in line with The Honey Pot Hive. Say hi, girls.

Hi!

Who is that?