You're Not the Girl I Thought You Were

Donna?

- -Previously on Elle...

I wish we could wake up from this nightmare, Bruiser.

I just found a way to get you home.

Cosmo's doing a semester-long internship in L.A.

Tell me how to win, immediately.

You just need to choose from a few of these essay prompts.

"When things get bad, how would you stage your comeback?"

I could write about Donna's comeback.

I can help her get rehired.

Woods comma Elle?

Hi. I'm Shannon Walker.

Sorry, I forgot what it was like to receive eye contact.

Hey. Are you going to CarpetMart on Saturday?

Okay, what is CarpetMart?

Why are you here with the chick who got your mom fired?

I'm not.

-Since when is Donna your mom? -Since birth.

I haven't asked anyone who their parents are in Seattle.

Me going to our school hinges on her working there.

I-I don't want you to get kicked out.

Then please, just give up.

Everything just feels backwards here.

-Okay. -Hey, wait, what are you doing?

Getting you out of your head!

And who is that

handsome young gentleman who seems very concerned

about your well-being?

He's just a friend.

Esther, you had an apple cider?

Hi.

Could I get a medium iced--

Elle?

-Hey. - Donna?

What happened to the fish market?

This is my weekend gig.

Why are you dressed for a sting operation?

Oh. I'm trying to hide from a boy who might go here.

One time I saw him drinking what I think was a coffee,

but what am I supposed to do?

This is the only coffee shop I don't need my mom to drive me to.

You are so brave. Ow! Gosh.

Okay, so, this boy that you are avoiding, is he dangerous somehow?

Only emotionally.

He's dating a girl I've been desperate to befriend.

I didn't realize it until too late.

Oh, honey.

Uh, Donna? You made

another decapitated swan.

I'm terrible at this. I'll be right back.

Elle?

Shannon. You're here.

-Boo. -

You're both here.

Together.

Because you're a couple.

Looking super strong and committed this morning, I might add.

Go us.

Oh, actually, you can settle an argument for us.

We're splitting a bagel. Which one's better?

Blueberry or everything?

You want me to choose?

Between the-the two of you?

-Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm.

Sorry, Miles.

Got to go blueberry. Girl code.

Ah, I see. So, you two are teaming up against me.

Always.

What can I get you?

One blueberry bagel with blueberry cream cheese.

Goodie, a threesome, with Carmen Sandiego.

Uh, can I get a croissant?

Oh, that actually sounds good. Can you make that two croissants?

Got a blueberry bagel here.

Uh, you guys can have it.

Let's grab a table.

And to think we could've had everything together.

- - That's...

I don't know about "everything."

Oh, you meant the-the bagel.

Ignore me.

Think I might have a hairline concussion from that mosh pit.

Oh. I-I think you got a...

Mm.

-Here, I'll-- -No! Don't.

I mean, I want it there. It's mine.

Okay, well, suit yourself.

I have my own.

I'm sure it wasn't that bad.

We were practically rounding second base in front of his girlfriend.

Pause. Can we please discuss

how epic it is you have a genuine Seattle prospect?

He's not a prospect, Madison.

That's the point. I can't like him.

Miles is with Shannon,

and Shannon's basically the coolest senior at Rainier West.

They're the Brad and Gwyneth of this dumb school.

If they're so perfect, then why was Miles totally flirting with you?

Whatever. I refuse to make another fatal mistake

and turn my school against me again.

Just go for it. Who cares?

This will all be a distant memory when you win the Cosmo contest anyway.

Yeah, you're right.

I just need to move back to L.A. and get myself out of this mess.

So we agree. Great.

-I got to dip. Uh, later. -Bye.

-Okay, Bruiser, no more boy talk. -

We need to focus so we can get ourselves out of this mess.

Essay number two.

"Cosmo Girls are like cake:

sweet, layered and a little bit naughty.

But making a good first impression is everything.

If someone were to meet you for the very first time,

what's one word they would use to describe you?"

Well, that's easy.

It's obviously...

Well, there are so many words.

Elle Woods is stylish.

Charitable.

Respectful.

- -

This is actually kind of impossible.

If I say I'm glamorous,

are they gonna think I'm not down-to-earth?

If I pick "smart," will they know I'm also fun?

Should I say "motivated"? "Kind"?

"Gemini"?

"Vegetarian"?

How could anyone possibly narrow down Elle Woods to one single word?

I have no idea

what this could be in reference to.

Someone must have been trying to write the word "SCOT."

You know, a lot of people think I'm fully Scottish...

...but I'm mostly Irish.

Hey. Way to ditch me at CarpetMart.

I ditched you?

I nearly suffered a head injury as a result

of that unsanctioned mosh pit you dragged me into.

It's a miracle I'm still alive.

Well, then...

...let's not waste your one wild and precious life.

Know how you told me Principal Anderson fudges facts on official paperwork?

Dude left his last school under "mysterious circumstances."

It says "unknown," not "mysterious."

You can't just change the word to make your point more scandalous.

Oh. Speaking of words,

if you could describe me in one, what would it be?

Yeah, I'm not doing that. Anyway, this article implies Anderson was fired.

I knew that guy was shady.

Not interested.

-Elle, come on. -Drop it.

Seriously.

Yo, Dustin.

I got ideas for the flyers.

Okay, let's see what you got.

All right.

How do I look?

Religious.

Well, I was actually going for "nice," but "religious" works, too.

Where did your neck go?

The neck is the pedestal to the face.

Well, I know turtlenecks haven't traditionally been a part of my aesthetic,

but maybe that was the wrong instinct.

Maybe I'm a turtleneck person now.

Turtleneck pers...

-Wyatt? -Hmm?

I, um...

inexplicably saw my Rolodex in your study.

Mm. Can you go?

Can you go?

I will retrieve that for you.