Pushers

This programme contains strong language and adult themes.

Why aren't you picking up, Mam? All right? I've been calling all morning.

If you're alive, pick up, will ya?

And, also, if you're alive, Mam,

do you want me to get some milk for ya?

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

ANGELIC CHOIR

With kind regards from fucking...

Oh, what's the fucking name?

..from Lennie!

Fuck's sake! Kango, mate! We're family man!

You're, erm... You're me second cousin, man!

I'm not your fucking second cousin! I'm your fucking first cousin,

once removed! Or are we half cousins?

Me nan is, is, is... ..is your great nan.

Yeah, she's me great nan, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But she's married to her cousin. Right.

And then my cousin is your cousin's cousin.

So I'm... Your cousin's cousin's your fucking cousin.

Which is my fucking cousin. Which means I'm your fucking cousin.

Yeah?! Oh, fuck, mate. Here's the fucking thing.

Now, I'm sorry, cuz,

but you're going to have to kiss your teeth fucking goodbye.

Listen, listen! It's me first day, man, as a legit charity man.

Ahh! Me first fucking day, man. I'm done with crime.

You are? Yeah, I'm done with it. I'm retired, man.

I swear, yeah...

Look, man, look! It's a fucking dog with flipflops!

It's a fucking what? See ya later, cuz!

See you in a bit.

It's a lovely day out.

I think I'll go and wash the car.

Sit down, Dad.

Might even check me tyre pressure.

Just sit down.

We never talk about anything.

We bury it,

and then fill awkward silences

drinking tea.

BOTH SLURP

That is cold.

That's because I made it yesterday and forgot to wash it up.

SHE SPITS TEA BACK IN THE CUP

You were right.

Pat and Ewen were using me.

They were cuckoos

and I was their tit.

But it's over.

It's not over!

We're gonna carry on

selling loads of spice.

And the gummy bears,

I know they're marijuana.

They use them bears to hook you, to control you,

Nobody is being coerced

into taking drugs.

"Not fit for human consumption".

Are they humans, though?

And your friends at the charity, were they also...

..y'know, was Harry?

Tit. Hope?

Tit. The angry drunk fella?

Brought in to be a tit.

Even the sweet lad with the van?

Minibus. Tit.

Oh, Mas, look. Buns.

Thanks, but no, thanks.

Cos of your diabetes? I ain't got diabetes.

Really?

I thought we all had a thing. I thought yours was...

What about the flapjack man and his mum?

They are gone.

Is me mam here? Mam!

Why do you look like

a disgraced UKIP candidate?

Mam! Mam! Where's your other sock, mate?

Couldn't find it.

I thought I'd dress like a normie, doing normie work.

Anyways, me mam's nan's cousin Kango

just threw me in't back of his van and tried to steal me teeth.

Why are you criminals

obsessed with removing bits of each other?

We've been fucking about on Lennie Kennedy's turf, right?

We all need to get out of town now.

Mas, mate, tell her, somebody's about to get stabbed.

Nobody's going to get stabbed, all right?

We're about to be gone, like that!

Like what? Like...

Like... ..that!

Dead. Harry? We all love Harry, don't we?

Yay! Yay, we love Harry!

We fucking love Harry!

Yeah, dead! Like that.

I think we need to tell him. Tell me what?

We have been selling spice in addition

to your cocaine across Bracklington for the past 33 days.

Surprise!

So the charity, it's legitimate?

Totally.

We're doing so well,

we're actually expanding.

This is so, so fucking bad.

You lot, man, you're not suited to violence.

A nutter who smells like me nan's bathroom carpet,

haunted Greta Thunberg,

a genuine legend

and Minibus fucking Masir,

who's way more into minibuses than he is gang warfare.

Er, he is right. I'm not very keen on gang warfare.

I'm fucking quitting, yeah?

K-W-I-T!

I'm done. Fuck off

and let me deal my spice!

You! See you? Dead!

Dead! Dead!

Mam, dead!

Like that.

Mam...

Right, I need to go

cos my smoking hot girlfriend

is outside.

This was good.

We should talk more often.

No more secrets. No more sneaking around.

No. Hmm.

I'm going to need a disguise.

CAMERA CLICKS REPEATEDLY

Right, come on.

Fuck, fuck!

Len's hardest foot-soldiers are already watching us.

And mam still ain't picking up.

I need to get t'boozer, man.

To talk to my sister?

Yeah, and get me gun. Shit, man.

How do I get past that absolute brick shithouse, eh?

Ah, I have a plan.

I was thinking, we might go away for a few nights.

Soho House has opened a new place at the pumping station in Outstray.

It's called "The Pumping Station"?

Isn't that a bit,

"ooh, matron"?

No, it's called Soho House.

I thought we could go there and have sex.

Oh, really?

Great. Yeah!

Erm, smashing.

So, your dad's a bit poor then?

Erm, no. No, I think he's relatively well off.

Daddy! Kayla.

Hi, Joanna. And you must be Emily.

Yes, hello. Shoes off, please.

Daddy's got OCD. Undiagnosed, but we all know it's there.

There's some house shoes you can borrow just there, in that ottoman.

Oh, like slippers.

What? They're entirely different to slippers.

Are they?

Yes. They are. They're house shoes.

Anyway, that lamb has been in the slow-cooker

with half a bottle of Beaujolais since 4am.

I don't like wine-based jus!

The tannins make my throat tight.

And lamb, Daddy? Really? HE GROANS

Wow.

Come on, ladies. Follow me.

Is your dad famous?

I feel like I know him.

He's just got one of those big faces.

Though he did once feature on an episode of Rogue Traders.

Oh, yeah. That'll be it.

SHOPKEEPERS BELL RINGS

Ta-dah!

Fucking hell. I look like me nan.

Nah. Man, you look sexy.

Did I say me nan ain't sexy?

OK! So, I've been thinking

about how to spend my share of the money.

Are you thinking of investing in a pension?

Don't do it fella, it's a fucking pyramid scheme.

Actually, I was going to propose to Carl.

We're going to Liverpool to pursue my dreams, directing Hollyoaks.

Who the fuck's fucking... ..Carl?

My boyfriend. Fucking hell, mate!

You kept gorgeous. Carl quiet. Hey, congrats, man.

He works in Sainsburys.

And, oh, he's extremely handsome.

Does he know how you're going to pop the old down-on-one-knee,

no-more-shaggin-about? I don't think so.

Oh, erm, how do you think I should ask him?

Just look at him,

right eyeball to right eyeball, and say,

"Fancy it? Marriage an' all that shit?"

Oh, no! Sorry, ladies.

I thought you were some... ..drug dealers.

Thank you.

HE MOUTHS

Jojo Rabbit! Oh, you know I don't love that nickname.

It reminds people of Nazis.

Are you still pursuing the recorder?

No, I'm just carrying it round as an accessory.

I've got my Grade 2 tomorrow.