Six Feet Under

A division of time Warner entertainment company, I.P.

Sleek, sophisticated,

seductive.

The new millennium edition, crown royal funeral coach.

Because your loved one deserves the very best.

In style and comfort.

Nathaniel Fisher.

Nathaniel?

It's Ruth.

Did you take your blood pressure medication today?

Yes.

Don't lie to me.

I took it. What do you want me to do, o.D. On it?

Oh, and I just realized

we don't have any of that soy stuff Nate drinks.

You know, since he gave up milk.

I don't know what it's called.

Why not just cut some milk with tap water?

He'll never know the difference.

Look, if you don't want to go, I'll go.

It's not as if I don't have enough to do already.

I'm kidding, I'll get some.

But it has to be after I pick up Nate at the airport,

I'm already running late.

Nathaniel...

Are you smoking?

No.

Yes, you are, I heard you.

I'm not, no, I'm not.

Look, forget you'll give yourself cancer

and die a slow and horrible death.

You should not be stinking up that new hearse.

I told you not to let him take it.

Like I could've stopped him.

He's every bit as proud of that thing

as your fool brother was of that damn motorcycle

he had in high school.

And who still has a pin in his foot?

Nathaniel,

people want things to be nice when there's a funeral.

They don't want their loved ones riding around

in something that smells like an ashtray.

Alright, look,

I'm quitting right now, I promise.

Okay? I'll see you tonight.

That new hearse was a total waste of money.

There was nothing wrong with the old one.

I think your father's having some sort of mid-life crisis.

It would've made so much more sense

to invest in repaneling for the chapel,

or adding coffee bars to the slumber rooms.

Well, I'd much rather he buy himself a fancy new hearse

than leave me for a younger woman.

Or a woman my age, for that matter.

Or heaven forbid, a man,

like my cousin Hannah's husband did.

God sure has dealt that woman some blows in this life.

Mom...

Can I do anything to help?

No, no, honey, I'm fine.

Besides don't you have a viewing tonight?

You should probably be getting ready.

Right.

So, I enjoyed talking to you about that whole shiatsu thing,

I hope that pans out for you.

You should let me work on you sometime.

Here's my cell number,

I'll be here until the 29th.

Here you go.

Huh.

My dad was supposed to meet me here.

I could give you a ride.

That's alright, I'm sure he'll be here soon enough.

I wasn't talking about that kind of ride.

You've done a nice job.

She looks so peaceful.

Well, she is at peace now.

If there's any justice in the universe,

she's shoveling shit in hell.

Excuse me.

David Fisher.

David, it's Claire.

Is Nate there yet? Nope.

I thought he was coming in tonight,

so we could do that whole forced Christmas Eve family thing.

Well...

There are some really excellent parties I could be going to.

Claire.

This is one of the few times a year we're all together.

Alright, don't get all pat robertson on me, I'll be there.

I have to drop some stuff off

at a friend's house before I head over, okay? Bye.

Fucking boy scout.

This is kinda disgusting.

Disgusting good or disgusting bad?

Oh, disgusting very good.

I know.

You're so fucking hot.

You're so sweet.

I'm a sweet guy.

Shut up and fuck me.

Hello?

This is Ruth Fisher.

Yes, I'm his wife.

What is this about?

What?!

Excuse me.

Mom, what the hell are you...?

There's been an accident.

The new hearse is total led.

Your father is dead.

Your father is dead and my pot roast is ruined.

Oh, my god.

You carry a lot of tension around in your lower back.

Not as much as 20 minutes ago.

Just so you know...

I never do this.

Oh yeah, me neither.

So...

Were you ever gonna tell me your name?

Probably not.

Why not?

Because I'm a realist.

That's my father looking for me.

Hey, dad.

Oh, Dave, hey, merry Christmas.

Of course I'm okay.

Couldn't be better in fact.

What?

I'm so sorry, Nate.

I hate to have to be the one to tell you.

This is just speed, right?

Promise me this isn't crack.

'Cause I gotta spend tonight

having Christmas Eve dinner with my demented family

it's gonna be weird enough without me being high on crack.

No, it's just crystal meth.

It just makes everything burn a little bit brighter.

And it makes sex like totally primal.

Here.

It's alright.

Oh, well, it's too late now.

It's mine.

Hello?

David, hi.

Hang on a second.

So, is Nate there yet?

No, he's still at the airport.

Claire, I've got bad news.

What?

Um...

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'm on my way.

I have to go.

No fucking way!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're coming back, right?

Uh, I don't think so.

My dad just got hit by a bus

and it broke his neck and he's dead.

I gotta go pick up my mom and bring her to the morgue

so she can identify his body.

No, I'm not kidding.

This is actually happening.

And now I'm high on crack!

Crystal. Whatever!

So, I guess this whole hellish experience I'm about to go through

is just gonna burn a little brighter now, right?

Great, thank you!

Fuck!

You really didn't have to do this.

I could've just rented a car.

It's okay.

You're in no shape to drive.

And frankly, I'm in no hurry to get home

to my family's annual Christmas Eve massacre.

Parents who stayed together for the children,

but really because

they got off on tormenting each other so much.

Manic-depressive brother

who always chooses the holidays to go off his medication.

Oh, and an ancient springer spaniel

who's completely blind, deaf, and incontinent.

What about you?

Uh, actually, we're pretty normal.

My mom's a control freak.

My brother, um,

well, he's a control freak, too.

And, my sister...

Well, I left home right before she was born,

so I never really knew her that well,

but she's kind of wild like I was.

Was?

My dad really rode my ass when I was a kid.

I couldn't go rafting 'cause he'd just buried this girl who drowned.

He buries this dipshit loser

who o.D.'D at a flock of seagulls concert,

suddenly I'm not allowed to go to concerts for a year.

Your dad worked in a cemetery?

How could a man who's so fucking scared of everything