Cheech & Chong's Next Movie

Hey, man, this is bullshit, man.

Yeah, bullshit.

I know, but it's still bullshit, man.

Well, what can you do, man?

I don't know. Just be cool, man.

- I'm cool. You be cool. - I'm cool. You just be cool.

And don't look at that dude either.

This is bullshit, man. Just act... Just act real cool.

Just act like you're a garbageman. I know.

Just be cool when you walk by this place.

You know, just be like... Look like we're emptying trash.

Go ahead, man. Do your thing.

Just watch the dude. I'm watchin' him, man.

He's too busy watchin' his money. He ain't gonna watch us.

Hey, how you doin', mama?

Suck, suck.

Hey, man.

Hey, what are you doing? Aw, this tastes like shit.

I gotta go to work, man, with these clothes. Be cool, man.

Is that enough?

Okay, you got it.

Hey, man, watch out. Hey, don't spill it, man.

Oh, shit. Just leave it there.

Leave the fuckin' hose! Come on. Let's go. Shh!

Hey, man, watch out. You're spillin' it all over me. Shit.

You're spillin' it all over me. Oh, shit.

Okay, be cool, be cool. Okay, be cool.

Just keep walkin', man. Don't even look at him, okay?

Oh, he's lookin', man. He's not lookin', man. Just keep walkin'.

It's killin' my hand. Well, just keep walkin'.

It's killin' my hand. Hey, man, you're gettin' it all...

Don't rock. Just be cool with it.

I'm fucked up being cool. You're spillin' that shit all over the place.

Well, here, it's spillin' you. Look at that.

Why'd you fill it up so high? Hey, ladies.

Damn. Jesus Christ.

Let me get in here. So goddamn heavy.

Why do we deal with this anyways? Shit.

Put it down, put it down. Set it down.

How do you open this thing? Right here.

Where?

Ow, ow, ow, geez.

We need a funnel. Funnel?

Oh, fuck it. Let's just pour it in. Pour it in?

Yeah. Pour it in very carefully. Get it up real high.

Don't spill it.

Oh, man, you're fuckin' spillin' it all over.

Come on. Shit. Where did I spill it?

There.

Careful. Careful, man. Oh, fuckin' garbage.

Careful. Why didn't you clean this thing out before you got it?

I had to go in the alley.

Jesus Christ. Okay, that's enough, that's enough.

Well, get all of it, man. Didn't carry it around for nothing.

Okay, that's good. I'm gonna be late for work.

Shit! Look at this.

Come on. Let's go. Yeah, okay. Hold on, man.

Man, that's a smelly gasoline.

Shit. That's an improvement, man. Come on. Let's blow this.

Hey, way to go, Parnelli. Hey, relax, Holmes, I got it.

- Hey, come on. Slow down, man. - Hey, Holmes, lay back.

You're supposed to be a low rider, man. We're supposed to be cruisin'.

Sit back and cruise, ese.

You're driving like an idiot, man.

Oh, I just can't get used to this automatic, man.

Yeah, well, they are complicated, aren't they? Yeah.

Remember: "D" is that way. That way?

Hey, relax, Holmes.

Relax? Yeah.

Yeah, I better relax.

Oh, shit, I'm gonna be late for work again.

That's the fifth time I've been late this week. It's only Tuesday, man.

Why don't you quit that lame job?

Hey, man, I wish I could, man.

If I quit, the whole place would fall apart without me. I'm needed there, man.

Responsibility is a heavy responsibility, man.

Hey, I got it. Why don't you get a job, man?

Hey, I'm serious, man.

I had a job for over six weeks now, man.

Hey, listen, man. I already got a job. Yeah?

What's your job, man? Rollin' dope?

Yeah. At least it's steady work, man.

Something you're good at, man.

Hey, I'm serious, man. You're supposed to be sellin' that dope, not smokin' it.

We haven't even paid for it yet.

I'm sellin' it. Yeah, you're sellin' it.

Hey, listen, I sold two lids last night. How's that?

Oh, yeah? All right, Holmes.

- Who'd you sell 'em to? - Me.

Oh, man, shit.

Man, we're gonna starve to death, man.

No, not with me, man. I'm a good customer.

Oh, man. God, dog.

I did, man. I-I got a thing. You know what I'm gonna do?

What? I figure it this way.

Dope's gonna be legal in a few years, you know? Yeah.

Then...

Then, I'll be, you know... It'll be a legitimate job, you know?

And all these other dudes, you know, that aren't ready for it.

They won't know how to do it, see?

Then, like, I'll have a job. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll have a job. That's good thinkin', man. Shit.

If you had another brain it'd die of loneliness, man.

God, it smells in here.

- It's all this gas. - No, it's me. I just cut one, man.

Oh, cocino.

Oh, foxy mama.

Oh, man, you're sick.

- What are you talkin' about? - Who you lookin' at?

Aw, not that. Aaah. No, man, that chick over there.

Check out how fine she is. Hey, baby!

Hey, baby. Come on. Don't be stuck-up.

Come on. I'll clear off a place for you to sit down.

Uh-oh, man, be cool.

What's the matter? I got company.

Don't turn around. Just look straight ahead.

Oh, man. Hey, you got a light, man?

Huh? Yeah. Light?

Hey, I don't think you better light it in here, man. Why?

All these gas fumes. Oh, man.

I don't know.

Stop, stop!

Hey, what are you trying to do, kill us, man?

What a flash, huh? Oh, God, I told you not to light that thing.

Well, you're the one that cut it, man. Oh, God!

Come on. Let's get out of here before the cops come, man. Christ, look at us.

Oh, hey, mama. Hey, hey, fella, you need a pass!

Oh, I'm with "The Towering Inferno," man.

Oh, okay, go ahead.

And I want you all back on top of boxes.

Okay, everybody, back on top of the boxes.

Okay, Brenda, follow directions.

Don't touch the girl. Sy said don't touch the girl.

Don't touch the girl. Extend the ladies.

Right leg up. Right leg up. One leg up.

Her ass is shiny. We've got a shiny ass over here.

Shiny ass. Will somebody help me up here?

Okay, now what's gonna happen is you're all terrified,

and you want Wamba to come and help you, so you scream, "Help me, Wamba!"

- Help me, Wamba? - Scream, "Help me, Wamba!"

Help me, Wamba. Scream, scream. "Help me, Wamba!"

Help me, Wamba! Please, lose the noise!

Lose the noise. Quiet. Help me, Wamba!

- Help me, Wamba. - Help me, Wamba.

Louder! Louder, please!

- Help me, Wamba! - Help me, Wamba!

Help me, Wamba! Okay, fine. Let's take one.

Lose the noise! Lose the noise!

Quiet on the set! Quiet on the set!

Come on. We're gonna try one, all right?

Let's take one. Cue Wamba!

Cue Wamba. Quiet on the set.

All right, this is a take. Marker. All right, this is a take.

Marker. Marker!

And action! Action. Action.

Psst, Kim. Kim.

Hold it right there, Officer. Don't slice those enchiladas. Psst.

- Hey, Kim. - This one's for me.

You lawn mowin' dog, chiquita.

Come on, you obnoxious little weasel. That fuckin' knife is no match for a .45!

What? I need some clothes.

There's no way. I'm too busy.

Oh, come on, baby. Just give me a few things from wardrobe.

Come on. What happened to you?

I thought you were supposed to be working. I was.

I was on my way to work, you know, and I was just walkin' down the street.

I swear to God. I was walkin' down.

Then there was this building, and it was on fire.

I ran up about five or six steps and rescued a burning baby.

I got burning baby all over me, and that's what happened to my clothes.

So, look, just go to wardrobe and get me a few pair of pants.

There's no way. Come on. Just gimme a couple things from wardrobe.

Meet me on the Mission set in ten minutes.

No. Oh, come on, baby.

I'll tell you a secret. Come here. I'll lick you all over for a dime.

Stop. Okay, for free then.

Ten minutes, at the Mission, okay? Come on, please.

Oh, please. I love you so much.

Come on. Ten minutes, okay?

Hey, Cheech? Where's that wall I'm supposed to go crash through?

Oh, uh, uh, I think it's that one.

Thanks a lot. Yeah, yeah, man. Hey, sure thing, man.

What happened?

I won't stand still for this any longer. I'm not getting any help from the police.

I'm not getting any help from our government.

I'm just gonna call the Board of Health,

and they'll just exterminate you and that cockroach you live with.

Oh! You're dirty and filthy and diseased!

We need Dr. Switzer and Dr. Salk to come into this neighborhood...

and give it one big shot of penicillin.

Yes! You animal!

Hey, hold it. Where's your pass?

Pass? Oh, okay, thanks a lot, man.