Moonlighting

Originally Aired Sunday, March 3, 1985.

- Jonathan. - Sleep.

Do I know you?

Is there something that you want from me?

I didn't see him. I didn't see him.

- Is he all right? - I swear, I didn't see him.

He just ran out of nowhere. He-

Hey.

- Weirdo. - The guy came out on the street.

- Okay, give me your name. - Klaus Gunter.

- Wait. Hey, hey. - Take it easy.

What the-?

That's it!

Andre.

What are you doing? What is going on?

You want to know what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. This-

This is going on.

Good morning, Miss Hayes. How was the trip?

- I appreciated your- - What is all this?

Is there something going on that I should know about?

What is he talking about? Why is he smashing my china?

That I would like to discuss with you.

What do you mean? Why are you smashing her china?

Tell her that I'm an artiste. I do not work free.

- He says he's an artiste- - What does he mean, free?

- No one is asking him to work for free. - Go tell it to the bank.

The household staff's paychecks, they all bounced again.

Bounced? What do you mean bounced?

Oh, you shouldn't have asked that, Miss Hayes.

Bounced. So you wanna know what bounced means?

I'll tell you what bounced means. Do you see this dish?

No bouncy. This is the check. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.

This.

No bouncy. This check:

- And that. - No, Andre.

Selma.

We get the idea.

Andre, whatever the problem is, I'm sure it's just some mistake.

That's what the accountant say, over and over again.

Finito mistakes, Andre quit.

I'm gonna call my accountant right now.

How long has this been going on? Checks bouncing.

About a month, just after you left for the cruise.

This is Maddie Hayes-

We're sorry, this number is disconnected-

What is this?

We're sorry, this number is disconnected...

or is no longer-

Have Peter get the car. I'm going over there.

Miss Hayes.

Peter quit early this morning. He took the car with him as security.

It's all right, Selma, it's going to be all right.

Just call me a cab and I'll go get dressed.

Yes, ma'am. Ma'am, Miss Hayes.

- Maddie. - Selma.

I understand. You have family, obligations.

Besides, I'm sure it's just some mistake.

I'm sure you're right, ma'am.

Are you telling me that I have no recourse?

That someone can steal everything that I've worked so hard for...

since I was 14 years old, and there's nothing I can do about it?

Truth, Maddie, you've been done, you've been done good.

Your business managers took every dime you had in the bank.

- I'm broke? - No, no, no. You're not broke.

- It sure sounds like broke. - Yeah, and it's gonna feel like broke.

But they only took liquid assets like cash in the bank, stock certificates...

things like that. You still have other sources of income.

- Like what? - Well, like this.

You've invested in a number of companies. Look, there's a whole list.

- Got a dog-grooming outfit. - Oh, Alan.

- A nail boutique. - Tell me it gets better, say:

- " It gets better." - This is interesting.

A family portrait studio.

Hand me that waste basket, I'm going to throw up.

Oh, don't throw up yet. You also own part...

of a bait and tackle shop, a dirty bookstore...

and a detective agency.

Now, last year...

the entire group of investments produced $400,311?

Hey, but that's great. I made that much?

No, you lost that much.

Apparently, these investments were maintained as write-offs.

Oh, Alan.

Now, let's not lose our heads. This is not the end of the world.

- After all, you are Maddie Hayes. - What's that supposed to mean?

What it means is, five years ago you were the hottest model in this country.

You can't tell me companies wouldn't pay plenty to have you stand by a car...

- or pose in their clothes... - I couldn't.

- Or fondle their fridge. - Oh, please.

Well, there are auto shows.

There are worse ways to make a living, Maddie.

Alan, you're a good lawyer and a good friend.

You're only saying that...

- because I'm loaning you my car. - You're right.

I'll draw a check. You'll get your car back this afternoon.

In the meantime, go home, pull yourself together...

and then visit every one of these businesses.

I want you to liquidate the ones you can.

Some of the managers may offer to buy you out...

but the main thing is to put them on notice. Close them up.

You can't afford to sustain losses like this anymore.

I don't like this, Alan. I don't like being poor.

Poor doesn't become me.

You know, you have a very pretty chin, Maddie. Try to keep it up.

City of Angels Investigations. Lost or stolen property, our specialty.

You dropped it, we'll spot it. He cheats, we'll peek.

Little one gone, we'll find him before dawn.

No job is too big, no job is too small. We're here to please one and all.

We're licensed by the state of California...

and happily accept all major credit cards. How can I help you?

Good afternoon.

Could you tell me the name of the person in charge, please?

He was surrounded and no one was in the clear.

He dribbles like mad as he looks for a hole.

Suddenly, he sees it.

And it's up.

And it's good! And the fans leap to their feet.

Grown men cry, women throw underwear...

and even as the president shakes his hand on the White House lawn...

he silently promises himself, his mother and his God...

that no matter how big he becomes, he is never, ever going to change.

Hello.

Hello.

My goodness, Miss DiPesto, looking a little pale today, aren't we?

- Who's this? - I don't know. She just came in-

Now, now, no reason to be shy.

Let's see a little confidence, charisma, Dale Carnegie.

Remember, lesson one: Imagine your entire audience is completely naked.

It boggles the mind, doesn't it? Amscray, will you?

Terrible thing, shyness. Believe me, I know, but don't worry.

We're gonna get her the best help there is. Better than the best.

She's come a long way already. Why, when I first found her...

she was nothing but a poor little urchin, out on the street, urchining.

- But you don't wanna hear that. - I don't wanna hear that.

Okay. So my name is David Addison and your name is-?

- Maddie Hayes. - Maddie Hayes and-

- Don't I know you? - No, I don't think we've met.

Wait a second, can't fool me.

The eyes don't lie. Not these babies. Photographic.

See something once, it's locked in forever.

Really? I didn't notice anything locked in there.

Don't change the subject. I'm a bloodhound.

- Once I'm on to something... - That's good...

- I'll get it, I'll get it. - But that's not-

All right, you might've seen my pictures somewhere.

- I knew it. - No flies on you.

Nope, there certainly aren't. Whatever that means.

- When I came in- - Are we talking late '7 Os?

Year's a little fuzzy for me, but I'll bet the house that you were a Miss March.

- A Miss what? - Miss March. A Playmate of the Month.

What, about 1976?

I can see the whole layout in my head. You like jazz...

your favourite movie was Jonathan Livingston Seagull...

you wanted to help underprivileged kids. Am I right?

I mean, I can see the whole layout in my head.

And if you don't mind me saying so, you are even more beautiful now...

here in my office, completely dressed, almost a decade later.

- So- - Listen, bub.

Knock that high school locker-room grin off your face...

or I'll knock it off for you. I'm not Miss March...

Miss May or Miss Anything Else.

For your information, I am Miss Madelyn Hayes and I own this dump.

Madelyn Hayes?

Madelyn Hayes?

You're Maddie Hayes?

The Maddie Hayes, The Blue Moon Girl?

Blue Moon Shampoo? Sure, Blue Moon Shampoo.

The only shampoo with milk, honey and a-

Tablespoon of moonbeams in every bottle.

Sure. You're her? That's you?

The girl on the bottle, from the ads, the girl that was everywhere?

I knew I'd seen you. God, I gotta tell you, I love you.

I mean, I have always loved you. Really, truly. Nothing personal.

So...

what is it you wanna tell old Dave?

You're fired.

- Come again? - Mr. Addison...

City of Angels Investigation Company...

is wholly owned by my company, Mad Hayes, Inc.

I've suffered some recent financial reverses, and that...

along with the fact that this company has registered significant losses...

during all of its three years, forces me to close its doors...

- Fired? - Immediately.

I expect all expense accounts and credit cards in the company name...

to be surrendered to me or my representatives.

And I will expect the prompt return of all company cars.

The company car? My company car? The Porsche? Both of them?

Real estate agents are already looking for someone to sublet.

So the sooner you tell your employees...

the better it will be for everyone.

We'll honour whatever severance agreements...

might have been negotiated into any individual's contract.

There will be additional two weeks' pay for any employee...

who isn't covered by a severance...

- You getting all this, Mr. Addison? - Absolutely, every word.

This isn't easy for me, either. I don't enjoy putting people out of work.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I believe I've finished my business.

You know what's really amazing?

From the TV commercials and posters and billboards and all that stuff?

You'd never guess what a cold bitch you are.