The Office

Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair.

Have you seen them? Wait, I'm sitting on them.

This is awesome.

Thank you. It didn't even take that long.

What's the difference between a chimichanga,

a chalupa and a tostada?

Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.

Wait, this isn't funny. I don't talk like that.

Say, "Me eat cookie."

No. I won't say it.

Why is everyone clumped around accounting?

Break it up, you clique.

It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.

Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?

Mmm-hmm. I love that show.

This is Kevin. This is Kevin.

Thank you. That is an amusing link.

I'd like it sent to me, please.

Me, too, Oscar, please send it to me. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, me, too.

Angela, this is inappropriate.

This is my favorite day.

It's Secretary's Day.

And it is Erin's and my three-week anniversary,

so perfect storm for a romantic gesture.

Want to make sure the whole office remembers it's Secretary's Day.

I sent an email blast, a text blast, a good old-fashioned talk blast.

I sent a snail-mail blast a week ago,

and a stern reminder via fax at 7:00 this morning,

so people better step up and appreciate the crap out of Erin.

Oh, thank you.

I do.

Thank you.

If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

Welcome back. Hey, thanks.

It's my first day back after maternity leave, and I miss Cece, of course.

But we need the money.

What was maternity leave like? Oh. How do I explain it?

It rocked. It rocked my ass off.

Oh. You couldn't have watered it?

I literally did not know that existed until this moment.

Hello, Pam.

I was just wondering what you had planned for Secretary's Day.

I'm going to give Erin $15.

I know that Erin would be so psyched if you took her out to lunch.

A one-on-one lunch with Erin?

Yeah. She really looks up to you.

There's only so much we can do as her coworkers.

Secretary's Day is really kind of a boss-secretary thing.

She's kind of a rube.

That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

Okay. All right. All right. Okay, I'll take her to lunch.

She's gonna be so psyched.

Hi, Erin. Happy Secretary's Day.

Well, happy boss's day.

There wouldn't be a secretary if there was no boss.

I wanted to know what your plans for lunch were,

because I was hoping to ask you to lunch.

I got a picture of you asking me to lunch.

I was thinking we could go to Hayworth's, just the two of us.

Well, Hayworth's is more business-casual,

and they always screw up your order, so I'm...

Oh. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that was a stupid suggestion.

I was thinking someplace special, so I thought Hayworth's, but...

Okay, well, we'll figure something out.

Okay.

Okay, let's go to Hayworth's.

Okay!

Have a cookie, Kev.

Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies. I'm not falling for that.

I brought those in. It's my birthday.

That's some stone-cold narcissism right there.

Man, Darryl, I'm sorry.

Happy birthday. Thank you.

They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that.

But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.

Oscar, did you eat some of my M&M's? The level...

This is violent and offensive.

Thank you.

And it really makes me self-conscious about my voice.

That's awful.

I'm not crying.

You have some food on your face.

Do my hands feel sweaty to you?

The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco.

Either they don't respect me, or they respect me too much.

And some of them still think that I'm the IT guy.

This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people

that I'm an authority figure.

Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time.

It's come to my attention that people have been watching

and laughing at a hurtful parody video.

It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or email this around.

Yeah.

And that's straight from corporate, so...

Not to be scary, but, yeah, I would listen to me.

And that's all.

Would you mind if I listened to my book on tape?

I'm kind of a bookworm.

This is a novelization of the movie Precious, Based on the Book Push by Sapphire.

I was thinking it would be fun to talk on the way over.

What decade would you have chosen to be a teenager?

I don't know.

I would have chosen the 1490s.

'Cause America was discovered.

Right.

And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express,

but then it became a full Taco Bell and, I don't know, I couldn't keep up.

My favorite part about being a receptionist is that I get to have my own desk.

At my foster home I never had a desk, so it's like...

I don't mean that I didn't like my foster home. I did like it.

I just didn't have a desk there.

Did you have a favorite age? Or month?

An age or month?

Yeah, like a favorite month. Like, I liked April when I was seven.

I've been trying. I've been trying to keep it going.

Erin is just weird.

How many pillows do you sleep on at night?

So how are things going with Andy?

He's the best boyfriend in the world.

Tell me about him before I met him.

Well, let's see...

Andy plays the banjo.

Yeah, I love that.

Other than the fact that he dated Angela, I don't think he is a snappy dresser.

What?

I don't think he is the best dresser. Reminds me of Easter.

Sorry. About Angela. Did you say he dated Angela?

Mmm-hmm. You didn't know that?

Here we go. Hot plate.

Oh, okay.

And your salad, miss.

Why wouldn't he tell me that?

I don't know.

Probably didn't want you to have a mental image

of him having sex with somebody else.

They had sex?

They were engaged, so...

Okay, you know what, sir?

Yes?

Yeah, I asked for pickles on my burger, and there are only, like, five or six.

Can I get some more pickles?

Of course. I'll get you a bowl of pickles.

Thank you.

They were engaged?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Well...

What are you doing? What are you doing?

In the foster home, my hair was my room.

Okay, okay, you know what? You know what? You know what?

Everybody's looking at you right now.

I'll have what she's having.

Did you have a... Did you like your lunch?

Did you have a good lunch?

Did you like that? Did you enjoy your food?

It was good. I liked my lunch.

What's up?

Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.

Dwight, don't be gross.

No, no, he's right.

Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough.

You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.

That's weird, my breast pump is missing.

Have you seen my breast pump?

All right, this is gonna traumatize me

a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.

You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?

Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode.

Three squeezes and I would drain you.

Mmm.

Meredith! MEREDITH: I just like the way it feels.

What are you doing? Just relax, okay?

Relax?

This is like the Cadillac of pumps.

Give it back to me, now!

Okay. I was just warming it up.

That's... It's disgusting!

It's not a big deal.

It's not sterile!

We're both girls. Who cares?

So, how was lunch?

Lunch was fine.

Was it everything that you hoped and dreamed it might be?

I don't know. It was lunch, Andy.

Well, I know, I'm... That's what I'm...

Just wondering... I mean...

Erin, I think we're out of fax cover sheets.

God, Oscar, will you keep your pants on? It's easy.

My name is Kevin. I'm an accountant.

You see? I did the voice.

It's a little derivative.

But parody is always derivative.

It's not organic. Do you know what I mean?

Jim does a really good one. Do yours.

Oh, guys, I really refuse to participate.

"Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck,

"because a Mrs. Fields Cookies just opened up at the mall!"

Guys, why don't we leave the parodies to the pros at MADtv?