South Park

Wow. What a great episode.

Look. Our bacon is cooked just right: Not soggy, not crisp.

I've got the bread and French dressing.

So we remove the bacon like so.

Then we cover sparingly with French dressing...

...put on the other slice of bread and garnish.

Doesn't that look great?

Hey, let's give some to Macon.

Macon likes his with extra bacon. Here you go, buddy. Yeah!

Wow. Macon's really taking to the bacon, if I'm not mistaken.

Time to watch our favorite episode of South Park: "Summer Sucks."

It's about that one week in the year...

...when summer comes to South Park and the snow melts.

This episode has special guest Jonathan Katz of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist.

Well, sit back, relax and enjoy "Summer Sucks."

Summer Sucks

I know that today is the last day of school...

...and that the last day involves pranks...

...but this is going too far.

Now, what have you done with Mr. Hat?

Children, I want Mr. Hat back right now! The prank is over.

You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you?

Well, I can. He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch.

Goddamn it! Where the f**k did you put Mr. Hat?!

No, you don't! Summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards...

...until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!

I'm gonna turn around.

When I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here.

Okay, I'm gonna turn around now.

- Sh **. - Where did everybody go?

- Yay! - Summer!

Oh, golly. Kevin, honey.

Good to see you again, son.

Looks like winter's right around the corner.

Better get some firewood ready.

- Happy summer. - Shut up, Pip.

Right-o. Enjoy summer this summer for me.

- What? - I have to spend summer in school.

I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.

Your parents are dead? Goddamn, you suck, Pip.

Oh, yeah. It's summer. We gotta buy fireworks.

I saved up enough to buy M-80s.

I saw this movie where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.

We can do that to Cartman's cat.

If you touch Kitty, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack...

...and blow your balls all over your pants.

- Jesus, Cartman! - Don't mess with Kitty, man.

- Hi, fellas. - Hi, Steve.

- What can I do for you? - We want M-80s.

- That fit in Cartman's cat's ass. - That's it. Screw you guys.

- I'm going home. - What a baby.

- Ten M-80s, please. - I'm sorry. Haven't you heard?

- What? - Fireworks are banned in Colorado.

- What? - It was in the paper.

Because some kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?

- Right. - Doesn't anyone believe in tradition?

We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.

- That's killed Kenny. - You bastards!

A summer without fireworks is like- I don't know, but it sucks ass.

Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?

I can still sell snakes.

We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration.

I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off.

We've got to have fireworks. I've got another call.

I don't know where Mr. Hat is. Garrison, I've got bigger problems.

What am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show?

No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage.

Get me the mayor!

I know that, smart-ass. I was being ironic.

Sorry. I couldn't find the little man in the boat.

Well, keep looking.

We can't have a celebration without fireworks.

Who ever heard of a Fourth of July with snakes?

I like snakes. You light them, and they grow and grow.

Wait a minute. That's it! I've got it!

South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world.

The press will love it. I'll be on the front-

I found him!

- It's hot out here. - What do you guys want to do?

We always just played with fireworks.

- I know. let's go sledding. - Yeah.

- Cartman, get on. - Stan?

- Let's go. - What are you waiting for?

Don't you notice anything wrong?

- Yeah, your fat ass isn't on the sled. - Whatever.

What's going on?

- Hey there. - Hi, Uncle Jimbo.

How come you're not blowing things up?

Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks.

- What?! - They're not having them at the lake.

Oh, my God!

Well, don't worry, boys. Uncle Jimbo is on the case.

- Buckle your seat belt. - Where are we going?

- Mexico, my amigo. - Why are we going to Mexico?

Fireworks. Just because a kid blew off his hands, we don't have to suffer.

- Are fireworks legal in Mexico? - Everything's legal in Mexico.

It's the American way.

At the Dyno Might firework company, we have a commitment to excellence.

- Our focus is on safety- - Just tell us about the snake!

Okay. Let's see...

Right.

The disk that we're making is 5000 times bigger than the average snake.

We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters.

Comanche helicopters.

We'll need 57 flamethrowers set up around the perimeter...

...triggered to fire at the same time.

Flamethrowers. Triggered at the same time.

Once lit, the snake will grow. And good times will be had by all.

- Wonderful! - Spectacular!

Fireworks will not only go on, but be the best ever.

We'll need an orchestra to play "The Stars and Stripes."

The elementary school orchestra did a great version of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

Get the principal. And we need somebody to dress like Uncle Remus.

I think you mean Uncle Sam.

Of course I do, you f***ing asshole!

Why does everything suck in summer?

- Look, it's Mr. Garrison. - Children, how is your summer going?

- Summer sucks ass. - Have you found Mr. Hat?

Oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone.

- I don't need Mr. Hat. - That's good.

- Mr. Hat is just a puppet. - Yep.

- Mr. Hat isn't real. - Right.

My mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the pool. Want to come?

That is the lamest thing I've ever heard.

- It is not. - First graders pee in the pool.

- You're swimming in first grader pee. - I am not swimming in pee!

- Whatever, dude. - My mom says I could be in the Olympics.

- The fat-ass Olympics. - I'm making the best of a bad situation.

I don't need to hear crap from hippie freaks in denial.

Screw you guys. I'm going home.

- But we're trying- - Screw you guys. Home.

- What does he mean, "in denial"? - He's being a dumb-ass, like always.

How does that look?

- Like a hunk of dirt with a carrot. - Crap.

Okay, everyone in the pool.

Eric. We're gonna start now.

- Just jump in. - I don't wanna.

It's not gonna hurt you, hon. Just do it.

There you go. Let the first graders swim by and head towards us.

First graders?

Weak, weak! You sons of bitches!

- Where the hell is our firework? - It'll be here any second.

- Shut up! - Copy.

Children, I'm sure we're a little rusty-

- Where's Cartman? - Swimming lessons.

How can we sound good without our French horn section?

Let's try some scales. C scale first. And:

That was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5.

We're doomed. We'll have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf sh ** s playing-

Wait a minute. It's the snake!

Let's move along, people.

If you've seen one giant firework, you've seen them all.

The show's back on. We've only got one day to prepare.

Look at that. That's a Tijuana bottle rocket.

These have enough power to blast through the ozone.

They're espectacular.

It's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July.

We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas.

- Hello. - Hello, is Mr. Hat there?

- Is this some kind of joke? - Yes.

You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!