The Life & Times of Tim

Can you at least try it on, make sure it fits?

I don't like the joint costume.

Okay, this is what friends do...

They dress up like a hot dog together.

- They don't. - Tim, I spent $900 on this costume.

You spent $900?

- Yeah. - That's too much.

- Look. I am building a legacy... - oh, boy.

Excuse me... a legacy for my children and their grandchildren.

This? You're going to leave this in your will?

"I, Stu, leave the hot-dog costume"...

I'm gonna leave the memory of... I'm gonna be buried in the costume.

- Amy, how's your part fitting? - ( door opens )

- I guess it fits. - Wow.

You are some spicy mustard.

- Don't say that, Stu. - See, I don't get it.

How is anyone gonna know I'm mustard?

Because you will be standing tightly packed

In between me and your boyfriend all night.

- No. - Let me just sort of waddle over there.

- Okay. No, stop. - Stu: And if I hug...

- It does look good. - No! Eww! Stu, don't!

- Just get in here and... - gross.

You look like mustard now that you're in there.

- You look like mustard with your beautiful blonde hair. - You know what?

You want me to be enveloped by Stu the entire night?

But you'll be next to me. You'll be next to the hot dog.

- Amy: No. And next to... - the bun's just I the background.

- The bun is behind me - yeah.

- I'm out. - Where did you think the bun was?

- ( footsteps ) - yeah, let's have the mustard outside of the bun.

Get your hands all dirty with mustard what are you, crazy?

Come on, Stu. Where's the fucking bun?

I am not gonna get a lot of work done today.

- ( dings ) - Gladys: Hey, Tim.

Hey, Gladys.

Pretty sweet hot-dog costume, don't you think?

Oh, I'm not dressed as a hot dog.

no, I... I am.

- Oh. - I was complimenting myself.

- I thought you were a snake. - A snake?

- What kind of snake... - ( elevator dings )

- Helen: Oh! - What?

Tim dressed up like a penis!

- Excuse me? No. - Marie: Timothy!

Boss's office... now.

I... it takes me a while to walk.

Well, in my day, Timothy, penises moved pretty damn fast.

- ( footsteps ) - I dot know how to respond to that.

Well, this just takes the cake.

- Listen. - This is, by far,

The best thing you've ever done.

It's hilarious.

Look at you. You're a huge penis.

Oh, you... I thought I'm in trouble.

No, you're a big dong. Am I right?

- Actually, you're not. - Have a seat. Have a seat.

I can't. It's hard to sit.

Oh, just be slightly less excited and sit down.

All right. What are you by the way?

- Oh, me? Daryl hall. - Yeah. Of hall & Oates?

Yeah, and who do you think is Oates?

- Bang. - It's a good costume.

Good... good costumes all around in this room.

- ( door opens ) - Marie: Boss, I came as quickly as I could.

- Thank God you're here. - Have you spoken with Tim?

- Yeah, with a very severe tone. - How did you think

That this would go over at Omnicorp?

- How could this have gone over well? - Are you ready to chuckle?

- No, Tim, I'm not. - Tim: Are you ready to laugh?

- Always always. - Are you ready to apologize to Tim?

- Well... - I'm a hot dog, Marie.

- ( laughs ) - Marie: Look, I'm not gonna debate this issue.

This is a fireable offense. You need to remove the costume.

All right. Before we do anything drastic...

- Go ahead. - ...At least allow me a chance to defend myself.

- Seems fair. - Am I really the kind of guy that's gonna get dressed up

In an offensive outfit? Would I even have the courage?

I just can't... I am so sorry.

- I'm trying to defend myself. - I know, but I can't concentrate.

It's just so hard to pay attention to a big talking dong.

- What the fuck, Stu? - Stu: Whoa.

Cuss words out of Tim. Something's wrong.

- Something's wrong, yes. - What's the big deal?

Are you joking? Everyone thinks I'm a penis.

I know. I heard the story.

- It's been passed around the office. - It's not good.

- Look, if it's any consolation... - stop talking, please.

The fact that you're sweating

Really sells it as a hot dog for me.

- All right. - Penises don't get this sweaty.

It's not the general consensus. Just unzip me.

how's that?

- Why are you grunting? - 'cause it's effort.

If I get fired over this, I really...

You want a Stu-lution? Is that what you want?

- You want a Stu-lution to this? - I don't want a Stu-lution.

- Okay, here it is. - I don't.

Every time I get in trouble at work,

I get a note from my doctor.

Remember that time I put my balls in the microwave

- And got caught in the kitchen... - I do remember that.

...'cause they were cold and I wanted to warm them up?

Well, I went to my psychiatrist and I got a note saying

That I have a personality disorder.

You think your guy would give me a note?

Yeah, these child psychiatrists will diagnose you

With anything at the drop of a hat.

- Child psychiatrist? - I still see my child psychiatrist.

- Why? - 'cause I've had crying jags since I was five...

- You do cry a lot. - ...And I do feel comfortable with him

And he's got just a fabulous candy selection.

That's not the way most people choose a doctor.

Well, most people don't cry when they see lowes commercials.

Hey, you know I probably should've mentioned on the phone

That I'm not a little boy.

- Man: Oh, no no no. - I'm 25.

Age is not a concern of mine.

Have a seat on that tiny little chair and let's begin.

- Oh. - Candy?

Candy? Sure. You don't have a Charleston chew, do you?

All four flavors. Mini or standard?

Frozen or room temp?

Wow. Who would ever go to an adult doctor?

Okay, give me a frozen vanilla mini.

Okay, here comes the Charleston chew-chew train.

What comes? What? - ( I)

Don't. I can feed myself.

Oh, wow. There's a Charleston chew in my mouth.

I like the way you're chewing that.

That's very good. Let it melt in your mouth.

Anyway, I've got some pretty deep-rooted problems.

- Timothy. Timothy. - Pretty serious

- Social anxiety... - please, Timothy.

- Yeah? - We don't have to start with the boring stuff.

- No? - Let's just hang out!

- Hang out? - Maybe you want to play with this truck?

What do you do? Do you just roll it around?

- Vroom. - I have to say vroom?

Well, you should say vroom.

- Vroom. - That's good.

- Vroom. - Very good.

- Vroom and park. - Oh. No no no no.

- I parked it. Parallel parked it. - I can't help you

If you won't respect my methods, Timothy.

Now play with the truck. Have a good time.

- Vroom vroom. - That's better.

- Hey. - Hey.

Can you just give me the note?

- Can I just get a note? - No.

Gotta play with the truck for another hour and a half?

I think this is going very well, don't you?

- ( knocks on door ) - Marie: Yes, I know.

- Tim: Hey. - Ah. There he is.

- Tim, come on in here. - Speak of the devil.

Marie and I, we had a conversation with the lawyers.

- Can I stop you right there? - Boss: You're fired.

- No no, don't say that. - Bye, Tim.

- We'll see you. - You've been great.

No no no no, listen.

I went to my doctor. I've got a note.

I suffer from a form of social autism.

It's called Asperger's syndrome. It's very common, actually.

I say and do things that are rude,

Awkward, inappropriate,

But I don't realize that people will react poorly.

So that explains all the past behavior

- And thank you for your time. - Boss: Let me get this straight.

Tim, you have no interest whatsoever in other people's feelings?

- That's the gist of it. - You're without empathy...

- Mm-hmm. - ...Or compassion?

- It's not ideal. - This is a true superpower.

- I love this. - It's a discovery...

- No, it's... it's autism. - ...Of a new superhero.

An awkward superhero.

We can have Tim do all our unpleasantness.

- Indeed. - We send him out there to have all the awkward conversations

- That we don't want to have ourselves. - At work or at home, sir.

- At either place. - Tim: Oh, man.

I can actually tell people what I really think

- Of them through Tim. - Nah.

Marie: Well, Tim can't control what he says.

If someone complains, we just say, "oh, super super sorry about that.

It must be Tim and his condition."

Marie: We have won the lottery, sir.

- ( both laugh ) - everybody wins!

- Tim: No. - You win too!

- It doesn't sound like I win. - Boss: You'll just be hated.

- Hey, you're the new guy? - Hey, my name's Craig.

- Hey, I'm Tim. - Hey, Tim.

Listen, I just wanted to tell you

You just reek like a fucking dumpster.

- What? - I apologize if that's out of line.

- I just think you really smell like a dumpster... - Yes, it's...

- Jesus! It's completely out of line. - ...Or a bum.

- Oh, I thought it was a normal thing... - No no, it's not a normal...

- ...To talk about. - It's not a normal thing that people say.

Craig, Timothy has a medical condition.

- I'm so so sorry. - Yeah, it must be that darn condition.

- Is that all, Tim? - Do you mind if I spray Febreze on you?