South Park

HI. I'M TREY PARKER.

AND I'M MATT STONE.

AND WE'RE TREY PARKER AND MATT STONE.

AND THIS IS

NOT WITHOUT MY ANUS,

WHICH IS OUR FAVORITE EPISODE.

AND IT--IT REALLY IS.

I KNOW WE ALWAYS SAY THAT,

BUT THIS ONE REALLY IS OUR FAVORITE EPISODE.

THIS--THIS, UH, WE DID THIS SHOW, UH, LAST YEAR.

IT AIRED ON APRIL FOOLS' DAY,

AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN APRIL FOOLS' JOKE, AND--

W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Cameraman: I'M DOING-- YOU KNOW, THE MTV STUFF.

DON'T DO THAT.

NO. COME ON, DUDE.

NO, DON'T DO THAT. JUST SIT THERE.

UH, IT AIRED ON APRIL FOOLS' DAY.

WE SET UP THE END OF SEASON ONE WITH A, UH, CLIFFHANGER

ABOUT WHO CARTMAN'S DAD WAS.

YOU HAD TO TUNE IN TO FIND OUT WHO CARTMAN'S DAD WAS.

AND, UH, IT WAS APRIL 1,

SO INSTEAD OF TELLING WHO CARTMAN'S DAD WAS,

WE AIRED AN ENTIRE TERRANCE AND PHILLIP EPISODE,

WHICH WE THOUGHT WAS HILARIOUS.

BUT IT DIDN'T GO OVER VERY WELL.

MOST OF AMERICA HATED IT, AND THEY--

'CAUSE THEY WERE LIKE,

"WELL, WHO'S CARTMAN'S DAD? WHO'S CARTMAN'S DAD?"

EVERYONE SAT THROUGH THIS EPISODE

WAITING TO SEE WHO CARTMAN'S DAD WAS

AND DIDN'T GET TO REALLY EXPERIENCE

THE BEAUTY AND THE...

THE AWESOMENESS OF THIS EPISODE,

AND SO WE'RE REALLY GLAD THAT IT'S OUT ON VIDEO

SO NOW PEOPLE CAN ENJOY IT FOR WHAT IT IS.

WE'RE--WE'RE VERY GLAD THIS EPISODE IS OUT ON VIDEO.

BECAUSE NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE

WHAT A BRILLIANT PIECE OF WORK IT IS.

SO ENJOY TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: NOT WITHOUT MY ANUS.

THROW THAT OUT.

IN THE APARTMENT.

HA HA HA HA!

Narrator: SINCE THE LAST SOUTH PARK,

YOU'VE WAITED 4 LONG WEEKS TO FIND OUT

WHO THE FATHER OF ERIC CARTMAN IS.

NOW, FINALLY, THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT CARTMAN'S LINEAGE

WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT

SO THAT WE CAN BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING...

NOW GET READY FOR CANADA'S HOTTEST ACTION STARS--

TERRANCE AND PHILLIP IN THE...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BEFORE YOU TODAY SITS A MURDERER.

ON THE NIGHT IN QUESTION,

THIS MONSTER ENTERED THE HOME OF DR. JEFFREY O'DWYER

AND STRUCK HIM REPEATEDLY IN THE HEAD WITH THIS HAMMER.

THAT MONSTER IS SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE,

AND HIS NAME IS TERRANCE.

OH, TERRANCE, YOU FARTED IN COURT.

YES, PHILLIP. I'M MAKING A CASE

FOR OUR DEFENSE. HA HA HA HA HA HA.

ALL OF THESE THINGS LINK TERRANCE TO THE MURDER--

HAIR FIBERS, BLOOD SAMPLES, NAIL CLIPPINGS,

A PIECE OF HIS SHIRT...

A WATCH WITH HIS INITIALS ON IT,

A DAY PLANNER WITH THE MURDER SCHEDULED,

A HAIKU CALLED TIME TO KILL DR. JEFFREY O'DWYER.

"DR. O'DWYER, TIME TO HAVE YOUR HEAD SMASHED IN

WITH MY NEW HAMMER."

TERRANCE, YOU MAY BE A FAMOUS SURGEON,

BUT YOU'RE NOT GOD.

J'ACCUSE, TERRANCE.

WOULD YOU LIKE A MONKEY CLAW, PHILLIP?

YES, PLEASE.

THAT'S CALLED THE MONKEY CLAW

BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE MY COLON IS BEING RIPPED APART

BY A THOUSAND MONKEYS.

THE MONKEY CLAW IS SMELLY.

COME ON, GET A MOVE ON.

I AIN'T GETTING ANY YOUNGER UP HERE.

MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY, YOUR HONOR.

I SEE FROM YOUR ACCENT THAT YOU'RE SOUTHERN CANADIAN.

THAT IS CORRECT.

GOOD PEOPLE OF THE JURY, MY CLIENT, TERRANCE,

IS AN INNOCENT MAN.

OH, PHILLIP, NOW YOU FARTED

DURING THE CLOSING ARGUMENT.

I HAVE, HAVEN'T I, TERRANCE?

YOUR HONOR, THE DEFENSE

IS TRYING TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF THIS COURT.

THEY THINK FARTS ARE FUNNY, BUT THEY'RE NOT.

SUSTAINED.

GOOD PEOPLE OF THE JURY, MY CLIENT, TERRANCE,

IS NO MORE A MURDERER THAN YOU OR ME.

HE LOVES PUPPIES AND HATES MEAN THINGS.

WOULD A MURDERER GO TO THE ZOO AND FEED ANIMALS LIKE THIS?

OF COURSE NOT.

SO IN SUMMATION, FIND TERRANCE INNOCENT,

OR ELSE HE'LL KILL YOU.

HEH HEH HEH.

JUST KIDDING. THE DEFENSE RESTS.

GOD DAMN IT. THAT ISN'T FUNNY.

MADAM FOREPERSON, HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT

SO WE CAN GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE?

WE HAVE, YOUR HONOR.

WE HAVE FOUND TERRANCE,

IN THE ABOVE ENTITLED ACTION

OF MURDER AGAINST DR. JEFFREY O'DWYER...

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO REPEAT THAT VERDICT

BECAUSE WE HAD SOME FLATULENCE ISSUES.

I SAID, WE FIND--

WE FIND TERRANCE--

NOT GUILTY!

DID YA HEAR THAT, TERRANCE? YOU'RE NOT GUILTY.

OH, PHILLIP,

YOU SAVED ME FROM THE GAS CHAMBER.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

THAT SURE WAS FUN, PHILLIP.

LET'S GO HOME AND EAT KROFF DINNER.

HEAR, HEAR.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT AWAY WITH IT,

TERRANCE AND PHILLIP.

OH, HELLO, SCOTT.

NO HARD FEELINGS, RIGHT, OLD PAL?

THERE ARE HARD FEELINGS. THIS ISN'T OVER.

I'M GONNA SEE TO IT THAT YOU BOTH PAY

FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE A DICK?

NO. BECAUSE I HATE YOU.

YOU THINK FARTING IS SO FUNNY. WELL, IT ISN'T.

FART JOKES ARE THE LOWEST FORM OF COMEDY, AND IF I--

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

I HATE YOU BOTH.

I'VE HATED YOU EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER.

I HATE YOU, AND I WISH YOU BOTH HAD CANCER.

CANCER?

YES, IN THE HEAD.

HEAD CANCER?

THIS IS NOT THE END, TERRANCE AND PHILLIP.

YOU'LL RUE THIS DAY.

WOW, SCOTT REALLY HATES US, PHILLIP.

YES. PERHAPS HE'S HOMOPHOBIC.

BUT WE'RE NOT GAY, PHILLIP.

WE'RE NOT?

WELL, LET US BOARD THE SUBWAY AND RETURN HOME.

THEN WE CAN EAT KROFF DINNER.

YES. IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY,

AND ONLY KROFF DINNER CAN CALM MY NERVES.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

SAY, PHILLIP, WHY DOES SCOTT ALWAYS TRY

TO CONVICT ME OF MURDER?

HE DOES IT EVERY WEEK.

HE SURE DOES SEEM TO HATE US.

I WONDER WHAT HE'LL TRY TO DO NEXT.

GOD ONLY KNOWS.

THE SUBWAY CERTAINLY IS WONDERFUL, TERRANCE.

IT SURE IS. LET'S LOOK FOR TREASURE.

YES, LET'S LOOK FOR TREASURE.

HELLO?

Man: HELLO. IS THIS SCOTT FROM CANADA?

YES. YES, IT IS.

YOU'RE A JOURNALIST, RIGHT?

YES. I'M A TELEVISION CRITIC FOR MAGAZINES.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HATE TERRANCE AND PHILLIP.

YES. YES, I DO. THEY THINK THAT FART JOKES

ARE A SOPHISTICATED FORM OF COMEDY, BUT THEY'RE NOT.

WELL, WHAT IF I WERE TO HELP YOU GET RID OF THEM,

ONCE AND FOR ALL?

WHO IS THIS?

LET'S JUST SAY THAT I'M SOMEONE

WHO CAN HELP YOU IF YOU HELP ME.

JUST CALL ME YOUR OLD PAL SADDAM HUSSEIN.

SADDAM HUSSEIN? THE IRAQI DICTATOR?

HEY, RELAX, GUY.

I'M JUST YOUR AVERAGE JOE. TAKE A REST.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YOU WANT TERRANCE AND PHILLIP OUT OF CANADA.

I WANT YOU TO BRING ME AND MY FRIENDS INTO CANADA.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FAIR TRADE, DOESN'T IT?

SUPER! LET'S GET STARTED.

I'M NOT SURE I SHOULD TRUST YOU.

HEY, RELAX, GUY. TRUST ME.

WELL, IT'S TOO BAD

WE DIDN'T FIND ANY TREASURE ON THE SUBWAY, PHILLIP.

OH, HELLO, UGLY BOB.

HELLO, TERRANCE. HELLO, PHILLIP.

MY GOD, YOU'RE LOOKING HIDEOUSLY UGLY TODAY, UGLY BOB.

HOW COME YOU GUYS SAY STUFF LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE GODDAMNED UGLY, BOB.

I KNOW, BUT--

UGLY BOB, YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY

TRIED TO PUT OUT A FOREST FIRE

WITH A SCREWDRIVER.

I CAN'T HELP HOW I LOOK.

BESIDES IT'S NOT WHAT'S ON THE OUTSIDE THAT MATTERS.

IT'S WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE.

NO, IT ISN'T.

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

WANT TO SEE WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE OF ME?