Duct Tape Forever

Here you go, Ed.

Careful. Here's another one.

Mike, did you steal this truck?

Yeah, I only took the small one.

Woah!

What do you got, a bird?

It's a goose, Harold.

Oh, a goose.

It's not that funny.

- It's not funny - If you're not helping...

- It doesn't even look like a goose. - Go on. Just go.

- No, no, I'm sorry. - Go on.

- I'm sorry. - Go. Go on.

Just go.

Help!

Ok, come on. Light a match!

Help!

Eh...

Hey Harold, come out here.

Up, guys. Up.

No, up. Up. That's it. Hold it. Whoa! Whoa!

Watch it!

Have a nice trip, guys.

Drive careful.

Hold it right there.

You're not going anywhere.

How do you figure that, Sheriff?

Traffic regulation 601-4 states that all vehicles using regional roadways

need to be safe and certifiable.

And the only thing certifiable about this rig...

is you.

This piece of tin is unsafe at any speed.

Can we do this another time, Sheriff?

There's a duct tape contest in 3 days

and I plan to be there.

No, the Sheriff's right, Red.

You got to get the possum van up to code.

You know? Like a police car.

Looks like you're the one with the unsafe vehicle, Sheriff.

Hey guys, can you move that mound of metal manure

a little closer to the compost heap for me?

Oh, yeah. Sure thing, Mr. Green.

Now I know you're feeling pretty cocky right now.

But you're going to laughing out the other side of your butt.

There isn't a chance in hell that you or tooth boy there

is ever going to make it to that duct tape contest.

Thank you, Sheriff.

Tooth boy. I like that.

'65 Chevelle SS.

427 with posi-traction. Huh?

Boy, that will get you the girls.

That car was a threat to Planned Parenthood.

Remember Junior had the Mustang.

- Oh, yeah. - A mach too.

302 with a 4 speed though.

Boy, he could peel rubber in that car.

And not just on the tires.

You know what's really cool?

Electric cars. They have those now.

They go 100 miles before they need recharging,

use dynamic brakes for regenerating

and they have zero impact on the environment.

We wouldn't really respect men with zero emissions.

- That's the one. - Yep.

Now you're probably watching this and you're all confused.

You may even started that way for all I know.

But to tell this story properly,

we need to go back to the beginning.

It all began when a visitor from the city

got his limo stuck in a sinkhole up at Possum Lodge.

Now I want you to grasp the significance of that statement

so let me put her into context for you.

First of all, Possum Lodge is up here in Canada.

She's 145 beer stores north of Toronto.

It's an old fishing camp that was constructed

or maybe thrown up is a better phrase.

Long before the invention of building codes.

I'm not calling Possum Lodge a dump.

Let's just say the cruise ships don't stop here.

So for us to have a visitor is considered a unusual event.

For that visitor to be from the city,

he'd either have to be lost or crazy.

Or maybe both. That makes more sense.

Men being lost and crazy was how this area was founded.

But now you add the fact that our city visitor is in a limo,

and this whole situation is right off the charts.

There was no person less likely to end up here than this guy.

I think he paid more for his pads that I did for my truck.

I know some people believe in serendipity,

happenstance, that kind of crap.

I'm not one of them.

I've been around long enough to know that the forces

of cause and effect are constantly at work.

And even if you hit a stretch of good luck,

there will be a correction, believe you me.

Looking back at it now,

the only aspect of this event that was really expected

was the guy finding the sinkhole.

To me sinkholes are kinda like time capsules.

1000 years from now some archaeologist

will tunnel down our sinkholes

and he'll be able to see what happened here at Possum Lodge.

Except for this unexpected visit from this unwelcomed visitor.

There won't be any evidence of that, I'll tell you.

That's because the bunch of us put our heads together

and popped that limo out of there no problem.

Now getting him out of the lake was a lot easier

'cause we have the boat ramp there and...

hauling vehicles out of the water

is something we have a fair bit experience with.

Yes. I'm sure you have.

No further questions, Your Honor.

You may step down.

I'll get right on that.

I'm ready to hear the final summations.

Wait a minute. Do I smell gum? I smell gum.

If any lodge members is chewing gum in my court,

I suggest you get rid of it, now!

We'll hear first from the prosecution.

And trust me sir, you don't need to say much.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, Your Honor, here we have...

a successful businessman.

A visitor from the city.

A kind of entrepreneur that I would think that...

the Possum Lake area would dearly love to encourage.

Someone who wishes only to bring a sense of...

desirability and validation to Possum Lake and all of its...

residents.

And yet.

And yet, because a small group of...

anarchists,

these members of Possum Lodge, a man...

of Mr. Stiles obvious qualities are subjected to

property damage and personal inconvenience.

Now,

we all heard the litany of bylaw infractions and

citizen complaints made against Possum Lodge over the years.

Your Honor,

I ask you to put an end to this once and for all.

Make the punishment fit the crime.

Show these buffoons that the party is over.

It's time to grow up.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Thank you, Steven.

Excellent.

The summation for the defense. Let's get this over with.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Thank you.

We've all heard and seen a lot of evidence here today from the...

local sheriff.

And the prostituting attorney.

But before I can form a viably defensible position,

for this peticular case,

I would like to know for my own recognizance,

In you opinion,

How much of this laughably, flimsy material is admissable.

All of it. Including your police record.

Okay. Fine.

- We're screwed. - Alright, sit down.

Your Honor, last summer one of the lodge members,

old man Sedgwick,

stuck his nose in a woodpecker's hole.

It wasn't well received by the woodpecker

Sedgwick sustained a bunch of stitches

and has beak damage around the one nostril.

But did he ever blame the woodpecker?

Okay, maybe at first. Yes.

Old man Sedgwick should have never stuck his nose in that woodpecker's hole.

Just like Mr. Brookes Brother here

should have never stuck the nose of his limo into our sinkhole.

You see, Your Honor, this case is not about property damage,

it's about minding your own business.

And if everybody did that...

none of this would have happened.

Okay. Interesting.

First time I seen a woodpecker used as a precedent.

Still, I'm ready to rule.

Will the defendants please rise?

I hereby find Possum Lodge guilty of all charges.

What?

And rule that Possum Lodge will pay damages,

tax arrears, outstanding service charges,

and fines totaling $10,000.

This money is due within 30 days

or Possum Lodge becomes the property of the town of Possum Lake,

to be disposed of as it sees fit.

That's all.

You're not here trying to change my ruling, I hope?

Well, I'm not appealing if that's what you mean.

That's for sure.

That's funny 'cause I'm not appealing, but anyway it's about your ruling.

I think it's just and fair. It is so fair.

It's just that 30 day thing.

Considering how little the lodge members accomplish in a day.

I just find it a little...

Harse.

Because $10,000 is a lot of money to these guys

and trying to raise that amount in 30 days is almost impossible.

Well then, let's make it 10 days.

Thank you. No! No!