Batman Returns

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Penguin sighting! Check it out! Man or myth?

What is he? Today's edition. Another Penguin sighting.

Another Penguin sighting! Check it out!

Grotesque penguin-man living in Gotham sewers. Read all about the latest sighting.

Could I have your attention, Gotham City?

It is time for tonight's lighting of the tree.

How about that?

["WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Part man, part penguin. All horrifying!

Find out for only 50 cents. Come on!

Read about the possible terror beneath our feet. Check it out, people!

Read about it! Today's issue.

Read about the latest sighting of the penguin creature.

Missing link between man and bird.

My dear boy...

sometimes it's a diversion to read such rubbish.

Most of the time, it's a waste of time.

Whatever. Today's issue, the Penguin. Check him out. Man or myth?

The Globe . Right here. Twenty-five cents.

Well, here's hoping.

Maybe with a little luck, Gotham will have its first merry Christmas in a good long while.

I feel almost vulgar in this yuletide context mentioning the new power plant.

But if we're gonna break ground, when we gotta break ground...

I'll need permits, variances, tax incentives. That sort of pesky nonsense.

Power plant?

Max, all our studies show us we've got enough power...

to get us into the middle of the next century.

Your analysts are talking growth at 1 percent per annum.

That's not growth. That's a mild swelling.

Imagine a Gotham City...

of the future, lit up like a blanket of stars...

but blinking on and off...

embarrassingly low on juice.

Frankly...

I cringe, Mr. Mayor.

Sorry, any plans you've got will have to go to the usual committees...

through the usual channels.

I have a suggestion.

Well...

actually, really, just more like a question.

I'm afraid we haven't properly housebroken Miss Kyle.

In the plus column, though...

she makes a hell of a cup of coffee.

Dad.

Mr. Mayor. It's time to go down and bring joy to the masses.

"Actually, more of a question."

You stupid corn dog.

Oh, God. Corn dog.

All right. Give us some room.

Wait, let him through, please.

I have enough signatures from Shreck employees alone to warrant a recall.

That's not a threat, just simple numbers.

Maybe. But you don't have an issue, Max.

And you sure as hell don't have a candidate.

Hello, Mr. Shreck!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

From those of us at City Hall to each and every one of you...

happy holidays.

We have with us tonight a man who really needs no introduction.

He's given so much to our city.

Will you welcome, please, Gotham's own Santa Claus: Max Shreck.

Pick up those contracts from Personnel and...

pick up the dry cleaning, paper towels....

Oh, darn.

Forgot my speech.

Remind me to take it out on what's-her-name.

Santa Claus? Afraid not.

I'm just a poor schmo who got lucky.

And sue me if I want to give some back.

I only wish I could hand out more than just expensive baubles.

I wish I could hand out world peace...

and unconditional love...

wrapped in a big bow.

Oh, but you can. Oh, but you will.

Merry Christmas.

- Great idea. - Not mine.

[WOMAN SCREAMS AND MACHINE-GUN FIRING]

Let's go!

What're you waiting for? The signal!

We want the big guy! The guy who runs the show!

- What do you want? - Not you!

- Shreck! - You'll have to go through me.

Ooh.

- Chip. - Dad, go! Save yourself!

Dad, go!

[SELINA SCREAMS, THEN CLOWN CHUCKLES]

Shut up!

You take one step closer, Mr. Man-bat, and....

Ha-ha-ha. You missed.

Wow.

The Batman.

Or is it just Batman?

Uh, your choice, of course.

Well, that was very brief.

Just like all the men in my life.

I know, what men?

Well....

Then again, there's you. But you need therapy.

Thanks for saving the day, Batman. I'm afraid the Circus Gang is back.

We'll see.

They almost made off with our mover and shaker, Max Shreck, but....

Where is that insufferable son of a bitch?

Hi.

I believe the word you're looking for is....

Actually, this is all just a bad dream.

You're at home in bed...

heavily sedated, resting comfortably...

dying from the carcinogens you've personally spewed...

in a lifetime of profiteering.

Tragic irony or poetic justice?

You tell me.

My God, it's true.

Penguin Man of the sewer.

Odd as it may seem, Max...

you and I have something in common.

We're both perceived as monsters.

But somehow...

you're a well-respected monster...

and I am, to date, not!

Frankly, I feel that's a bum rap. I'm a businessman.

Tough, yes.

Shrewd, okay. But that does not make me a monster.

Don't embarrass yourself, Max! I know all about you.

What you hide, I discover.

What you put in your toilet...

I place on my mantle. Get the picture?

What, is that supposed to hypnotize me?

No, just give you a splitting headache.

It's not working.

You big baby! Just blanks.

Would I go through all this trouble tonight just to kill you?

No, Max.

I have an entirely other purpose.

I'm ready, Max.

I've been down here too long.

It's time for me to ascend...

to re-emerge...

with your help...

your know-how...

your savvy.

I wasn't born in the sewer, you know.

I come from....

Like you.

And, like you, I want some respect!

A recognition of my basic humanity.

But most of all...

I want to find out who I am by finding my parents...

learning my human name.

Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!

And...

exactly why am I gonna help you?

Well....

Let's start.

Ooh. What have we here? Let's see.

A batch of toxic waste...

from your clean textile plant.

There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back.

That could have come from anywhere.

What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?

If there were such documents...

that's not an admission.

I would have seen to it they were shredded.

Good idea.

A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference.

By the way...

how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?

Fred?

Fred's actually....

I believe he's on extended vacation. He's good.

Good.

Hiya, Max. Remember me? I'm Fred's hand!

You want to greet any other body parts?

Remember, Max...

you flush it, I flaunt it.

You know what, Mr. Penguin, sir?

I think perhaps...

I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you.

Once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.

You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.

Honey, I'm home!

I forgot. I'm not married.

Miss Kitty.

Back from more sexual escapades you refuse to share?

Not that I'd ever pry.

Drink your dinner.

What?

How can anyone be so pathetic?

Yes, to you I seem pathetic. But I'm a working girl.

Gotta pay the rent. Maybe if you were chipping in instead of stepping out.

Selina, dear, it's your mother. Just calling to say hello.

Yeah, right, but....

But I'm disappointed you're not coming home for Christmas.

I want to discuss just why you insist on languishing in Gotham City...

as some lowly secretary.

Lowly assistant.