Ann Droid

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Mum?

Mum?

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Mum!

Mum? Michael? What are you doing here?

I need a go on Linda. Where is she?

She's charging in the living room.

Is everything all right? Er...

No. There's an Open Mic night at the shop to support artists

doing new songs.

I put my name down... Good for you!

Well, Renee's always talking about following your passion, pushing

past your comfort zone, how Chris is always achieving all of his dreams.

Hello, Michael! Jesus! Well, the thing is, my songs are...shit.

They're shit and stupid. Then you should cancel.

I'm not cancelling! This is my dream!

Then you should follow your dream.

Look, OK, Linda, I need you to sort me

an original composition that has "hit" written all over it.

I can do that for you, Michael.

BLEEPS

I have sorted you out an

original composition

with "hit" written all over it.

I will email you the music and lyrics.

Wow!

Amazing! OK, I've got to get to work! Wish me luck!

Best of luck, Michael, pursuing the dream of a lifetime.

SUE CHUCKLES QUIETLY

I thought before we get the onions, we could call at the British Legion.

Repetitive routines are unhealthy.

Perhaps today, we could do something different.

Sorry, I didn't know my life was so boring.

Yes, it is.

I was being sarcastic.

You could try Senior Puzzle Club.

Try what? Senior Puzzle Club is where elderly can socialise

and do simple puzzles, to slow deterioration of brain function.

Linda...

..if you ever take me to Senior Puzzle Club,

I will personally pour yoghurt into your circuits!

Understood?

You will personally pour yoghurt into my circuits.

Understood.

Maybe we could do something that you have never done.

OK. Well I've never gone scuba-diving in the Maldives,

I've never flown first class on an aeroplane,

I've never made love to anyone apart from my husband.

But I'm 80, so the chances of any of that happening are nil.

This question has made you angry.

Yeah, well, it was a stupid question!

I will ask a new question.

Would you like to make love to someone other than your husband?

God, no! I'm not a floozy!

Unlike my daughter-in-law.

Ha-ha-ha. Good one, Sue.

Hello, Phyllis, Jeffrey.

Hello, Linda.

Nice lamp. This?

This is for one of our rentals that needs rewiring to meet

"fire safety requirements".

Honestly, we lose money being landlords.

Why don't you stop being landlords?

Her problem solving capacity is incredible.

That's real lateral thinking, Linda, that.

You are welcome. We are actually downsizing our portfolio.

We've just closed on one of those pokey little terraces

on Portman Road...

That's where I live.

Well, it's taking off, the gays are moving in!

You're soon going to have a cheesemonger's.

Gay people eat cheese.

We'd best be off, we haven't even started to pack for Dorset.

Doing anything fun today?

I'll probably go shopping and then make a casserole.

Aw...

Oh, Sue, you're missing an earring.

Oh...

Oh, no! Dave bought me these years ago in Tenerife.

Never mind, it doesn't look a very expensive pair.

Bye, Linda.

Goodbye, Jeffrey.

Hello, Tom. You're looking bright and summery.

We're off to the seaside... Lovely!

Yeah. We're scattering my cousin's ashes.

I'm sorry, I didn't know he passed away.

Oh, no, Harry died nine years ago.

No, I've been meaning to get around to this for a while.

Roxy, would you do my neck and shoulders?

Why don't you come too?

Oh, I hadn't planned to.

I hadn't planned to neither. Come on, Sue.

Sue, it would be healthy for you to be in a new environment.

Linda's right, you should get out more.

I get out all the time! I don't mean to the shops.

Come to the seaside. It's full of raw sewage.

Yeah, it's not French Polynesia.

Sue... It took me years after Gwen died to start doing new things.

I'd spent so much time caring for her after she got sick...

..I forgot how to live.

Tom... Choose an outfit, Linda, we're going to the seaside.

Let's scatter dead Harry.

This is incredible. Michael, come and have look at this!

Michael!

This piano is 570kg!

Michael, look!

Wow, it's so heavy.

Where would you like me to put it, Mark?

I'll tell you where you can put it. Put it here for now, mate.

LOUD BUMP

Promise you won't

call in sick with back pain?

I promise. Although I won't promise I won't phone in with a hangover.

FORCED LAUGH

You make jokes! Michael, did you hear Keith's joke?

Yeah, it didn't make any sense. No-one calls in with a hangover,

people call in sick to hide a hangover.

Michael, can I assist you in any way?

Doubt it. Then I will utilize

this quiet time to clean the staff toilet.

Why, did you do a massive shit in there this morning?

Thanks, Keith. I appreciate it.

Keith is the smartest investment I've made in a while.

Yeah, sure, it's handy having a walking forklift.

Keith can do way more than heavy lifting.

He can play over 20 instruments. 26, to be precise.

I thought you were cleaning the toilet. I've finished.

I also play all 26 instruments to a Grade 7 level.

So what?! You have no idea about how humans connect with music.

I mean, I remember listening to Dark Side of the Moon

for the first time.

I remember saving up to buy a ticket for AC/DC.

It's a language, you don't speak it.

'Sup? You all good?

Yeah, I'm looking for a cheaper version of Hester Chambers' guitar.

Who? Hester Chambers, from English indie rock band Wet Leg.

He only knows that because he's a robot.

I love their surreal style.

He doesn't love anything, he's a robot.

Look, look...just because I didn't know the name of the band,

it doesn't... Michael, let Keith do his job.

Hester Chambers plays a Hofner 173.

His hand's been in the toilet.

Yes! Thank you, Linda.

You ready, Tom?

Linda! Roxy!

Come join us.

Want to say a few words, Tom?

Oh...OK. Um...

Er...

Harry was, er...

..5 foot 10.

Um...

He loved Wet Wet Wet, he had three of his albums.

Erm...

Either of you want to say something? We never met him.

5 foot 10 is a good height though.

Thank you.

Linda, have you got any funeral speeches?

Yes.

"Do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn

"and rave a close of day

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light..."

Have you got something more upbeat? Yes.

"Cousin Harry knew how to party.

"He had a taste for racy cars...

"and even racier women!"

Actually, Harry was gay.

He was very shy.

And he died of loneliness...

Apparently, the body just shuts down when it's not being touched.

Linda, maybe a few comforting words.

And a little light music.

Yes.

"Do not stand by my grave and weep,

"I am not there, I do not sleep,

"I am the thousand winds that blow,

"I am the diamond glints on snow.

"I am the sun on ripened grain.

"I am the gentle autumn rain.

"When you awaken in the morning's hush,

"I am the swift uplifting rush

"Of quiet birds in circled flight,

"I am the soft stars that shine at night.

"Do not stand by my grave and cry.

"I am not there, I did not die."

One day you're buying your Wet Wet Wet albums,

and before you know it, three strangers

and their robots are scattering your ashes over raw sewage.

Perhaps the funfair will help elevate your mood.

That's a great idea! Carpe diem!

Well, maybe I'll make my casserole tomorrow.

That's the spirit!

It's changed a bit.

Right, everybody, get your laughing gear round that.

I just love funfair food! It's actually quite nice.

Mm!

I'm thinking of taking Roxy on the rollercoaster.

I'm not getting on one of those bloody death traps!