The Paper

I love getting in super early.

I can go over all the stories for today's paper,

respond to e-mails.

If I have the time,

one of my favorite things to do

is to come in here in the morning

-and dig out a 40-- -Ah...

Aah! What the f ?

What are you doing? What?

I, um, just got here a little early, so I figured...

You're in pajamas.

-You're sleeping here? -Yes.

My building, the plumbing stopped working two days ago,

and it's really disgusting.

Okay. Did you tell the landlord?

Yes, yes. It's the whole building.

God, what's that smell?

-I'm doing what I can. -

It's not a bad smell.

If you want, you can go to my place and take a shower--

-Uh, while I stay here, I mean. -I know.

-Wouldn't that be weird? -No. It's easy-peasy.

There's a really nice shampoo. Don't use that.

There's some towels that you should hang up after--

I'll write you out a list.

Yeah. Keys and address, and I'm there.

-Heh, sure. Yeah. -Thank you.

-Come here. -Oh...

-Are you holding your breath? -No.

It smells good.

Ned's water pressure is crazy good.

Pushes you around the shower like a little bully.

There's a giant clog backing up Mare's entire neighborhood.

It's not just her building.

Ned's super excited about this story.

He thinks it's our Flint water crisis.

I agree, it's a legit story.

It's a damn disaster.

My girlfriend's from this neighborhood,

and she's been living in my apartment this whole time.

It is true the city is taking its time fixing the clog.

Residents are stuck using porta-potties.

There's porta-potties?

Come on, Roxanne.

Oh, my goodness.

Why are there children and mothers everywhere?

Is Group C boarding on a Southwest flight?

They're holding commercial auditions for Kid Mitts

in the conference room.

Man Mitts sales are already so encouraging,

we have decided to expand the brand.

Next stop, Kid Mitts, coming this fall.

Our ad agency has been scouring Midwest middle schools

looking for a "Petey, the hasty wiper."

We need a little face with real star power to launch Kid Mitts,

since Man Mitts is our most valuable product.

Ned and I have had one or two rather heated debates

as to how best to get the word out.

We had one yesterday.

I'm not calling your ass-wiping glove

the penicillin of personal hygiene.

Just because it happens to be owned by the same company

that owns the newspaper.

Yes! Separation of church and state.

There are occasions when church and state need to team up.

-Like what, the Inquisition? -Come on. It writes itself.

In fact, it has written itself. It's all there.

Ooh!

No, we're not in the wastebasket.

-Get out. -

My son, Matteo, is very talented.

Very Chalamet. From Dune, not Wonka.

I was in the middle of a math test.

So what?

Addition, subtraction?

Who do you want to be when you grow up?

A florist?

What do you think the clog is gonna be?

-Tree roots? -My guess is restaurant grease.

Travis bet me it'd be an alligator corpse.

Here she comes.

Why is the sewer blockage a sheet?

Uh...

What does that look like to you?

What?

Is that-- Holy crap.

Man Mitts. See how the fingers link up?

It's the Hands Across America of sewer clogs.

And I don't care if that reference dates me.

-But the Man Mitt is flushable. - Is it?

The sewer guy said there was 50 yards jammed in the pipes.

He said it looked like hundreds of Mickey Mouses

had been caught stealing by the Taliban.

I just swore to Ken that I'd never write

about the parent company.

Screw it. My star reporter needs to bathe.

I wonder what Marv would do if we publish it.

If we publish it?

When we publish it.

You're smiling.

So are you, psycho.

Uh... I think I left my bagel in the bathroom.

I pick my enemies carefully.

And the name on my paycheck will not be one of them.

And there goes Nicole,

making her brave stance on the sidelines.

We need proof of what they know and when they knew it.

Who can we trust?

Oh, I know who will talk to me.

Kimbo, heh, was her name "-O".

-How you doing? -Hey.

Can we talk about something?

Girl to girl.

Of course, Mare Bear.

Girl on girl, hot... Gorgeous braid.

Is it somebody's birthday?

I mean, every Wednesday is someone's birthday.

When is yours, blondie?

So, um, the Man Mitt.

You guys have been moving a lot of those bad boys lately, huh?

Yeah.

All right, here's my question.

Have you guys gotten any complaints

that they're not actually flushable?

Get off my desk.

"Thanks to Kid Mitts, I have more time with this mitt."

Holds up a baseball glove.

Where does it say the character took Xanax?

Amore, I'm thinking about dinner tonight.

You know, I would love to make your favorite,

spaghetti al pomodoro and French fries.

I'll make them for you.

But if you don't learn this, forget about dinner.

No lines, no dinner, okay?

"And the best thing is, I'm not itchy down there,

'cause I know I'm getting everything.

Nicole, Detrick, Adam, Adelola, can you come see me, please?

Can you blur my face?

I love my Enervate family.

I'm only here because Ned is making me.

You're my hero, Nicole.

-Oh. Um... Travis. -Yeah.

I'm sorry, but we are working on something

that might compromise Softees.

I have to ask you to recuse yourself from this one.

Damn. Okay.

I understand, sir.

Guess you want my press badge back.

Oh, that's not necess-- Where'd you get that?

I made it.

Oh. Then I might take it.

Ned, Ned, Ned. -No.

-Yes. -No, no, no.

-Yes, yes, yes. -Stop.

I have just heard that one of your reporters

has broken the church-state barrier

and is reporting on Man Mitts.

I said, "That's impossible."

because previously you had a very principled hissy fit

saying you wouldn't do that.

So I want you to shut that down.

This is your first and only warning.

You don't have the authority to do that.

Shut it down. That's your second real warning.

Marv is on vacation,

and I am not permitted to get hold of him.

I cannot do what you're asking me to do.

"Ye shall follow the truth wherever it shall lead."

What's that from?

You used to work in sales, didn't you, for Softees?

-Mm-hmm. -I suspected

that maybe you would bleed purple

behind that, um, milkfish complexion.

You need to stop this right now, Ned.

And you can consider that your final warning.

You needn't think there won't be more where that came from.

-Ken? -Yeah.

-Get out of my newsroom. -Careful.

Let's go.

Nicely done. Felt good.

Thank you very much. All right.

Excuse me. Roll back.

Roll back.

Detrick, you work in sales, don't you?

Come with me.

We need to empty the entire Softees warehouse

before this story breaks, and that is going to be difficult,

as our buyers have already placed

their orders for the month,

but I'm sure you can handle it.

Accountants, who are the accountants?

You work for both,

so you have to go back to neutral Switzerland.

Thank you very much. Barry?

Barry!

-Yeah? -You have seniority.

You are in charge of everything newspaper.

Love that.

I guess this leaves the four of us to break the story.

First order of business, Charlie's Angels.