King of the Hill

Ripped By mstoll

Yep.

Mm... Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, I'm happy.

I just found out the Texas Propane Commission

is giving me another Blue Flame of Valor.

Top drawer! Hey, all right!

Way to dang ol' go, man.

I wish I worked for someone

who'd hand out an award every now and then.

But, no, I work for the army.

Yes, this is indeed a banner day.

I've just come up with a new get rich quick scheme.

I going to apply to be a waiter at Bazooms!

But all the waiters at Bazooms! Are waitresses.

Yes, they are ladies, whereas I am a man.

And a flat-chested one at that.

So Bazooms! Won't hire me.

And when they don't, I'll sue for sex discrimination.

It's a brilliant idea.

Dang it, Dale.

Did you ever get the brilliant idea

to make money through dedication and hard work?

Yep. Dismissed it.

I can't wait until I'm doing this with beer cans.

Why do we need a policeman at school?

Yeah, it's like they took something sucky

and made it even suckier.

Oh!

Um, I know this looks bad,

but I didn't throw that can.

Principal Moss,

this young man threw a can at me.

Aw, shoot.

But I didn't. Clark Peters threw the can.

He and Dooley set me up.

Bobby, there's no excuse for this.

Sure, Officer Brown maybe a disgraced cop

who tampered with evidence,

got pulled off his beat and assigned

this nothing position,

but this here used to be a man.

Yes, I was.

All right, your punishment's going to be

to work alongside Officer Brown

for the rest of the week.

Okay. Okay.

It's not fair.

I'm being punished for something I didn't do.

Well, you hang out with a bad crowd, that's what happens.

: Maybe it won't be so bad.

I'll finally get to pull rank on the crossing guards.

Watch out, Emily, I'm coming for you.

Well, Peggy, thanks for a delicious breakfast.

If that's how the Belgians make their waffles,

then I haven't given them a fair shake.

You are welcome.

I wanted to do something special

in honor of your Blue Flame of Valor.

And guess what? I got you a present.

The '77 Cowboys!

Peggy, it's beautiful!

And it's signed by the whole team.

Even the team doctor, or trainer.

Lars Olsen!

Roger Staubach,

Golden Richards,

Tony Dorsett,

Pat Donov... what the heck?

This isn't how Pat Donovan signs his name.

Who's Pat Donovan?

He was our left tackle.

Master of the pancake block

and the long, flowing signature.

This is tight, little chicken scratch.

It's a fake! Are you sure?

Peggy.

We need to return this forgery!

Damn straight.

Where did you get it?

At Metrowalk.

Ugh, I hate that place.

It's like a magnet for bums

and hooligans and young people.

Come on, we're going to go there

and demand our money back.

Oh, Hank, honey, you forgot your wallet.

So you've never waited tables before?

So you've never waited tables before?

Nope.

And you have

no restaurant experience of any kind?

Nuh-uh.

And you're a man?

Well, I don't know why that should matter, but yes.

Congratulations, you got the job.

Do what now?

: Look at this place.

It's like hell.

Or Dallas.

What the?

It appears we are standing on a fountain.

Got a dollar? Change?

Look, I didn't mind when you gave me diet,

and I was okay that you put cheese on this

even though I'm lactose intolerant.

It's just... I know I gave you a 20.

Can I at least have the right change?

: Someone's getting ripped off.

How long have we been here, three minutes?

They ought to burn this place down.

Oh, Hank, here we are.

Now, let's get our money back

and get the heck out of here...

byway of Sephora.

It's the only place that still carries Charlie.

Hey, buddy.

What can I interest you in?

We've got an autographed Pete Rose jersey,

an autographed Pete Rose rookie card,

an autographed Pete Rose autograph.

That's right, it's his signature within his signature.

I don't want to buy anything.

I'm here to make a return.

That is not Pat Donovan's signature.

Sure it is.

Hey, Leo, isn't this how

Pat Donovan signs his name?

Yep. Told ya.

And here,

I've got a certificate of authenticity.

It's signed by Paul Johnson.

I don't care who the heck it's signed by.

This is a fake and I want my got-dang money back.

Sorry, all sales are final.

Well, that just tears it.

Come on, Peggy.

Let's get out of here before I leave

Thom McCann's autograph on this guy's ass.

Bobby Hill, reporting for duty.

Fine. Have a seat.

So, when do we get to round up some perps?

We don't.

Sure, I used to shoot people and see dead bodies and stuff,

but those were happier times.

: Wait a second!

Truancy is a school issue.

And I know for a fact that Dooley and Clark Peters

skipped class to hang out at Whattaburger.

They're there right now.

Come on, let's go catch us some truants!

Whatever.

I'm fed up with it.

Everywhere you turn,

someone's trying to rip you off.

And it's not just the guys with the tattoos anymore.

It's a disgrace.

Oh, that little puppy wind-up toy is so cute!

You see... oh, it just jumped!

I gotta... I'll be back in just a minute.

Hey!

Hey, you! Get back here!

Give me that wallet!

Okay, okay.

I ought to tear your head off.

Yeah, you better run.

What happened?

A thief just tried to walk off with my wallet.

Really?

But wait, I have your wallet in my purse.

What? You left the house

in such a hurry, you forgot to take it.

Oh, my God, Peggy.

I'm a mugger!

They cannot pin this on you.

It's not your fault

that all men's wallets look the same.

Now maybe we can reopen

the fanny pack discussion? No.

Fine. Why don't we just go back

and turn the wallet in to mall security?

Peggy, security guards aren't real cops.

They don't have the same high ethical standards.

They'd have kept all the money and I'd take the heat.

Well, then you need to return it yourself.

Just open up the wallet and find some identification.

It just seems wrong.

Aman's wallet is a very personal thing.

It's like money filled underwear.

You have no choice, Hank.

Okay, here's the guy's ID.

"Barry Rollins,

2015 Ridge Street, McMaynerbury."

Hmm, he's not an organ donor.

Probably a drinker.

He was a white man,

about40.

Uh, what's his name?

What? I don't know. Huh...