Pete Holmes: Nice Try, the Devil!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Pete Holmes!

- Thank you so-- Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

Austin, Texas, how's it going?

Late show. Great to see you.

Look at this.

Look at how the spotlight follows me.

I feel bad for the front row.

It's like the sun rising on you.

Look at this.

[mock-singing the intro to Circle of Life]

Just for you guys.

Now Austin, Texas...

Yeah.

One of my favorite towns.

I saw one of my favorite things about Austin, Texas.

One of my favorite restaurants has one of my favorite signs.

Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a barbecue joint.

Has a sign that says, "No need teef..."

Teef. T-e-e-f.

I'm not making this up. "No need teef

to eat our beef."

That's a real sign.

That exists.

I walked past that.

This is a weird town, guys.

You have a Whole Foods that you can drink white wine

in the middle of it.

You also have a barbecue joint

that caters to the teef-less.

It's a weird place.

A guy's walking around with a beard of bees

just like, "I don't have teef, but I love cow!"

Only problem, though, these places don't cater

to the "no teef" wallet.

They definitely have teef-having prices,

you understand?

A guy with no teef goes in there,

he probably doesn't have the coin to throw down

for this premium barbecue.

He's like, "Hi, do you accept eye contact?"

"Beat it, no teef. Scram."

I was recently home in Boston, Massachusetts,

where my mother Irena referred to the singer Celine Dion--

Listen to me now.

She referred to the singer Celine Dion

as Salon Dijon.

I honestly don't know why we're not all doing backflips

right now.

Salon Dijon

was said to me in a room with air in it.

I heard it, remembered it, and brought it to the show.

That is a gift.

I haven't even added anything.

It's like a cat bringing a dead bird.

It's a treasure.

And it wasn't like this-- it wasn't like,

"Peter, who's that singer,

"French-Canadian, I don't know, Salon Dijon?

"I don't know. What's her name? I don't know.

Salon, is that it? Salon Dijon? I don't know."

It wasn't like that. It was like this.

"Peter, your father got me tickets

to my favorite recording artist..."

"Salon Dijon."

Just an expensive mustard rinse of a performer.

"Ooh. I love Salon.

"I hope she plays my favorite song

"from my favorite movie, Big Boat Iceberg.

"That's my favorite movie.

"Starring my favorite actor, Leonardo DiPizzaplace.

"He...

"is a dream.

I love the lyrics."

None of those are the lyrics, Mom.

So I don't know if you can tell by my overall vibe

I am a friendly fellow.

Kind of guy who likes to get to the airport

a couple hours early, get a few white wines in me,

and start telling old people they still got it.

That's the kind--

High-fiving babies. That sort of thing.

I don't feel like I belong in comedy.

People going out,

drinking slippery American cocktails,

having sex after.

I don't belong in the nightclub scene.

Look at me. Huh-huh!

This face doesn't-- Hi, how you doing?

Fixed your taillight while you were sleeping.

No charge.

That's--

I don't belong in a comedy club.

I like to think that there are millions

and millions of different universes,

each slightly different from the last.

And this universe, the one we're all in currently,

is the only one where I'm not a youth pastor.

Does that resonate with you?

I shouldn't be on a fancy stage right now.

I should be in a carpeted gymnasium

with an acoustic guitar with a rainbow strap

just like...

Who wants to rap about the Lord?

Let's do this.

Let's get some testimonies going.

Tyler, I love those testes, buddy.

Break out those testes.

But no one will tell me why that's funny.

Yeah!

Corny guy.

I always like doing something silly up top

to kind of--I look at it like comedy stretching.

Remind me not to take any of this too seriously.

It's just a silly job.

So I'd like to do Pierce up top

if any of you are familiar--

What a weird world.

You guys know Pierce?

Yes, we do.

We're gonna do Pierce.

For those of you who don't know Pierce,

I feel like expectations are getting up high.

Go ahead and lower them.

Nothing is about to happen.

So this is it.

This is my impression...

of a guy asking his friend Pierce to get beers for a party.

Okay?

It starts with a door opening.

For no reason.

"Pierce! Pierce!

"Pierce, get beers, Pierce!

"Pierce, get beers!

"And music, Pierce!

"Tears for Fears, Pierce.

"Go to Sears, Pierce.

Three cheers for Pierce!"

If you don't do that in the shower alone tomorrow,

you're dead inside.

That's how that works.

Make up your own. Just be like,

"I haven't seen you in years, Pierce."

Live your life.

No one else is gonna tell you to.

We did an old one to do a new one.

This is a new Pierce.

This is a guy-- It's just as stupid.

This is a guy telling his Latino friend...

that their soccer team finally broke their losing streak.

Okay?

Guy telling his Latino friend

that their soccer team finally broke their losing streak.

"Juan!"

"We won one, Juan!

"Juan, we won one!

"We finally won one, Juan!

"Where were you when we won one, Juan?

"We finally won one, Juan.

"One is what we won, Juan. One is what we won.

"It was one to one for the longest time, Juan.

"Then we won one, Juan.

Penalty kicks."

If that doesn't unlock the safe where you keep your joy,

maybe lube up the dial a little bit.

Just a little bit.

For yourself.

We're having a good time.

That is the worst thing to do

when you're actually having a good time,

is to declare it.

I do that all the time.

If I'm at a party and we are having

a fun time, I'll go, "Oh, man, fun with friends."

Not anymore.

You just ruined it.

I'll actually teach you guys

the worst thing you can say.

Do you guys want to learn the worst thing

you could say?

I figured it out.

If you're at a party and you actually

are having a fun time,

wait for there to be a lull

in your little horseshoe of friends,

statistically every 11 minutes,

then just look at them and go,

"Oh, man, this party is McDonald's."

"I'm lovin' it."

That's it!

That's the worst thing you can say.

Feel how you feel right now?

Violated.

That joke changes your core temperature.

The feeling of hearing that joke

is the feeling of getting hit in the face with a living lobster.