Family Guy

Brian, why are you dressed like a douche

who hangs out with multiracial friends

in a McDonald's commercial?

: Okay.

All right, that'll do.

Well, I'm heading out. See y'all.

Hey, Brian, that hat makes you look like a wang.

Squat and white with a dark mushroom cap,

- like Michael Jackson. - Is that true?

Yes.

Let me guess, Bri. You're off to try and get laid

- at some sad nightclub. - Shut up, Stewie.

I'm not just out for sex.

I want a woman who I can spend the rest of my life with.

I simply haven't found her yet.

And you never will, because the truth is,

you're a selfish horn dog who's getting too old for the game.

I beg to differ. I think I've got the lingo

of today's lady down pat.

Hey. Might I Pinterest you in a drink-point-oh?

Ladies.

How about the Verizon guy moving over to Sprint? Huh?

That seems kind of wack, right?

Like, zero chill.

I can't understand you.

Does anyone here speak Old Dude?

Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you?

- Shut up, dick. - Wha...?

- Why do I come here? Tell me about it.

He called me a dick earlier.

- I'm Jess. - Thanks. I'm Brian.

Well, Jess, bottoms up.

If you're lucky. (Chuckles)

So, this place, uh...

it's worse than Syria, don't you think?

Yes! Everything about it is awful.

The people, the music...

- If you can call it music. - If you can call it music.

Oh, my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time.

: I like you, Brian.

You actually say what's on your mind.

Hey, life's too short, right?

Tell me about it.

I've been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Oh, you know, cancer?

Oh, my God, I thought I smelled cancer.

Still want to go back to my place?

Sounds great. Or, as young people say,

"Hashtag yes!"

- Whew! - That was incredible.

And hey, sorry I barked when you took your pants off.

I thought it was a squirrel.

Ready to go again?

Oh, I need time.

I'm still recovering from that one thing you did

that was so obscene, it couldn't even be described

on lame, dying network TV.

Have you always been so...

Freaky? No. But when I got my diagnosis,

I made a bucket list of wild sex stuff I want to try.

Jess, I would like to help you cross off

every single item on this list.

Aw. You would do that for me?

All except for number 17.

I'm allergic to chocolate.

But isn't that only if you eat it?

You know what? Let me make a phone call.

Brian, I'm glad your girlfriend could join us

- for dinner tonight. - Thanks, Lois.

And when she gets back from the bathroom,

none of you say anything about cancer.

I'm serious. I really enjoy spending time with this woman,

and I don't want you ruining it for me.

- Okay, okay, promise. - Of course. We got it.

Lois, you didn't have to go through all this trouble.

It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

Oh, it's no problem, Jess.

We're happy to have you.

Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you?

I prefer the limbs.

I got a "limb fo' Ma."

Uh, let's stop talking about the food. All right?

Anyone seen any good movies lately?

I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.

Oh, man, I love every Tom Hanks movie,

except The Terminal.

There's nothing worse than when you're flipping channels,

and you're like, "Oh, God, it's Terminal."

"Don't say it's Terminal.

"God, what have I done to deserve this?

Why does it have to be Terminal?!"

Sir, I will tell you a great Tom Hanks movie:

Catch Me If You Can, sir.

You have literally never called Peter "sir."

Well, I've never told you that I can't throw a boomerang,

but it's true.

See? I told you. But at least I don't have cancer,

- like your girlfriend. - That's it.

I'm getting you out of here.

I like your family. They're scumbags.

I like you.

No, Jess...

I really like you.

I can't remember the last time I felt this happy.

I feel dizzy.

Me, too.

This all happened so fast, I...

Jess? Are you okay?

Jess?

Are you guys still leaving?

Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?

I'm afraid Jess's condition is too serious

to be announced by Dr. Hartman.

So they sent me, Dr. Gravitas.

- Oh... boy. - Uh-oh.

Jess, I'll come right out and say it.

The cancer did not respond to treatment

and has spread throughout your body.

You've got approximately two weeks left to live.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

I'm so sorry, Jess.

If there's anything I can do...

No, you've been great.

I mean, you don't even need to be here right now.

I'm just some woman

who never got to have the career she wanted

or get married or have kids.

One of those things... you can do.

It would be my honor

if you spent the rest of your life

as my bride.

Oh, Brian. Yes!

Oh, this is my vet.

Hello?

Oh, great.

Well, some good news.

That chocolate thing from the bucket list?

We're all good. Let's do it.

Toblerone probably isn't the best thing for this.

Brian? It would mean the world to me

if you wore my tux from when I got married.

I love you, buddy.

Yeah, I'm not wearing a fat guy's old clothes.

And... Wha... Is this a flap on the butt of these pants?

Yup. In case of emergencies.

My invention. Called it the Suit-Chute.

Got it patented in '97 and went into business.

Shot a local commercial and everything.

I'm Peter Griffin, inventor of the Suit-Chute.

Are you about to walk down the aisle

and afraid you'll leave it brown?

Did you eat creamy soup just before the opera?

Are you George Brett at an awards ceremony?

Then you need a tux with the Suit-Chute.

Don't take my word for it.

Ask famous Hollywood actor- slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.

On NYPD Blue, I'm known for packin' heat.

But every year when I go to the Emmys,

the heat I'm packin' is clumpy and smells terrible.

Not anymore, thanks to the Suit-Chute.

And the winner is...

your socks and shoes.

The business died, and I lost $200,000, Brian.

Want to know why?

"555" means it is not an actual phone number.

I truly wish I had known that.

Brian, I want nothing to do with this sham wedding.

So if you're going to ask me to be your best man, don't.

I'm not. I want you to be the ring bearer,

and wear a vest and a boutonniere

- and carry a satin pillow... - Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.

But it's still wrong. There's no way

you'd be marrying this woman if she wasn't going to die

- in two weeks. - Oh, come on!

Did you know that Lois was so moved

she called Channel Five to do a profile of me and Jess?

And now get out your tissues, it's a real-life Quahog version

of The Fault in Our Stars,

the novel and hit movie your gay nephew quotes on Facebook.

My name is Jess.

I have cancer.

But cancer doesn't have me.

My name is Brian.

I have a disease...