How to Be a Man

Hey, little buddy. It's your dad.

If you're watching this, I'm probably dead.

But this is the first in a series of videos

where I'm gonna show you how to be a stand-up guy.

I'm gonna teach you how to fight, like, literally fight,

and how to stand up for yourself.

I'm gonna teach you about, you know,

your word and character and all this stuff.

And I'm not just gonna yell at the computer,

I'm gonna have ... I'm gonna film it myself

and demonstrate live exactly how to do everything.

How am I gonna do that?

Fuck.

Hike!

What did you close your eyes for?

Can't expect to catch a pass with eyes closed.

I didn't.

You flinched.

I saw you.

You don't think they gave me this ball

for flinching, do you?

Every college in the east had a scout there that day.

Last one.

Basic thrust.

Hold it here. Hold it here.

And we're gonna start building ...

Are you satisfied with the way you play football?

Bryan?

Oh, shit.

Bryan?

Bryan, come down here.

I'm coming. God.

I just saw this post. It's an old friend of mine.

He's looking for a cameraman to help him make a video.

- I don't know. - You should call ...

What do you mean you don't know?

And wait a minute, what are you doing here anyway?

Don't you have your own place?

Didn't I move you into your own apartment?

I don't have Internet.

How much is Internet?

It's, like, a hundred dollars.

Oh, then, like, you need a job and, like, you need money.

You think people are standing out on the street

handing out jobs to film majors?

By the way, how much did you make up in your room today, huh?

Yeah, you're probably masturbating to some MILFs.

Oh, gross, Mom.

Who is this guy?

Mark McCarthy.

He was a really funny comic back in the late '80s.

He was on Arsenio Hall and everything.

And now he works for an ad agency.

He works for an ad agency?

You don't wanna make commercials because you're too artsy?

It is a last resort.

And that's what you do when you can't get any other work.

Oh, shut your mouth, you smell like marijuana.

You are calling him.

So, what are you gonna do today?

I have errands all day.

Well, if Housewives comes on, I'm not waiting.

I'm not a Housewives guy.

So, if you wanna have an affair with them, that's fine.

I'm also pretty confident about it

because I know you can't get pregnant.

That is true.

Once you pop a baby in, it seals up and then ...

You don't worry about affairs after that.

Right. Like, I could get jizzed in, like, three

or four times a day and you would never know.

Don't say that.

You could go off and run your errands

and I could just be like, "Jizz in me."

And it's, like, you wouldn't know. I'm pregnant.

To a lot of guys, this is a turn-on.

Some guys, they wanna jizz in a pregnant lady.

Okay. I tuned back in and it's still going.

They wanna pop it in ...

Like, what if the baby ... ?

What if they jizzed in the baby's mouth?

Hi, I'm Bryan.

Hi. Mark.

What kind of movie is this?

What kind of hat is that?

Are you a light bulb?

You look like a handsome Chinese man stuffed into a child's body.

And that hat.

How much is that hat?

Uh, I don't know.

I think it was like 15 bucks.

Fifteen bucks.

Here. Here's 20 bucks.

- Why? - And you can keep the change ...

because I don't wanna look at that all day.

Let's go.

So, what's your deal anyway? Are you ... ?

Are you, like, a little kid?

What do you mean? I'm 22.

Twenty-two.

Wow.

How did you hear about this?

Actually, my mom showed it to me.

She's Facebook friends with you. She showed me your post.

Your mom is Facebook friends with me?

Yep.

Wow. I'm old.

I'm old enough to be your dad.

That's intense.

What's her name?

Barbara Gershgorn.

Barbara Gershgorn.

Yeah.

She worked at a comedy club in the '80s

and she said you did a lot of stand-up.

Is that her right there?

Yeah.

She looks a lot like a chick I used to fuck, but older.

If she is who I think she is,

she had this thing with her pussy

where it was like a horse eating an apple,

and it would sort of devour your cock, like ...

Her pussy would give you a blow job

and you were almost worried it's gonna pfft,

pop off and go flying in her.

Those were the days, man.

I was on Arsenio, did coke with Sam Kinison.

Now I watch reality TV and feel guilty if I'm up past midnight.

So when do we get to the part where you tell me about the job?

Is not a job.

It's an opportunity.

So you're not gonna pay me?

Yes. I am gonna pay you in ...

knowledge!

I need you to film me teaching you

everything to know about life.

And I need you to do it now

because I'm not gonna be around for long.

Why? Where are you going?

Heaven. I'm dying.

I have breast cancer.

Are you joking?

My aunt just died of breast cancer.

First of all, I don't make jokes like that.

Secondly, I'm not thrilled about it.

If it was up to me, I'd have a way cooler cancer,

like rock 'n' roll cancer, all right?

If we keep talking about it, I'm gonna have a bad trip.

Men can get breast cancer?

Yes, they can! Let's move on!

All right. So, what do you need me to do?

Okay. I need you to film me

giving a bunch of life lessons to my unborn son.

Isn't that ...

Isn't that kind of like that Michael Keaton film?

"Isn't that kind of like Michael Keaton film?"

People make videos for the future all the time, okay?

Is called a time capsule.

Now, pull out your camera and start filming.

I'm gonna start the video series

at the age where he'll start understanding videos.

So I'm thinking, like, 11.

I've got a prosumer HD cam and this Flip.

Which would you like me to use?

I don't know.

I don't know you're talking about.

But yeah, just start filming.

I wanna observe boys' natural habitat.

And I don't want people to get the wrong idea.

That's what the sign's about.

Left, left! Right, right!

Okay.

Yeah. In the face, in the face!

You see that?

Don't be a pussy.

The thing about bullies is, they're always gonna be there.

You understand?

All you have to do to end a bully is bonk him on the nose.

That's it.

Even if you get in a fight later and you lose the fight,

the fact that you were that much trouble

means he's never gonna mess with you again.

Now, I know what you're saying.

"Dad, what if I do get in a fight? How do I fight?"

Great question. Let's show you.

Okay?

So, when someone attacks you and it's gonna go down,

you just gotta be super-fast and go, "Oh, shit, here we go."

Employ a super-fast combination, then get the hell out of there.

Because what that does with the brain is,

it bonks it against the skull.

And that does way more damage than just boop.

You wanna go boo, boo.

So the poor brain goes bam, bam, bam.

And that's when you get a pass out. Okay?

And it helps to use bad grammar. It makes you sound tougher.

"Look, I don't want no trouble."

Right?

Now, once you know that,

once you have the basics of fighting down,