Peep Show

I'm not sick but I'm not well

...And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in he-ell...

'OK, Jez. The love of your life's coming back today.

'Finish this shitty relationship.

'Shot to the head. Nice, clean kill.'

You're gonna have to plunge harder than that. It's compacted grease.

Yeah. 'She might go angry, and I don't like her when she's angry.

'Just got to tough it out.'

Um... listen, Michelle.

About us...

I've been thinking about us! You know I'm looking for a lodger?

And you and me do go really good together.

Well, I was thinking, how about you move in?

Oh, right... That's interesting, because I was thinking

that I like you loads and loads, obviously,

but that also...

we could... not see each other any more.

Stop seeing each other? How's that gonna work?

Well, I mean, instead of us calling each other up and kind of meeting up

and hanging out, we could try... not.

Jez! You're so funny! What are you afraid of?

'You.' Nothing. It's just...

What I'm hearing, loud and clear,

is that you're desperate for this relationship to grow.

You just don't know how it can happen.

I was saying was that we should not see each other any more, because...

Shh. Jez.

You've had your say. Now it's my turn.

You know how we have such an amazing time in bed together?

Well... Yeah.

Well, I was thinking, what if we took it to the next level?

Like, act out our dirtiest fantasies.

Yeah?

I mean...

W- What would that involve... exactly?

Anything. You can tell Michelle.

I guess I've always wondered what it might be like... to have a threesome.

- Is that too much? - Are you kidding?

That's vanilla! Let's do it.

'Tonight's the night. Sophie's actually coming over. For some work!

'I don't think there'll be much work - except sex "work"!

'Don't think of it like work!

'Fish pie then missionary sex, and Newsnight afterwards. Classic!

'Might make a joke about Paxman and the economics woman. Paxo...

'Paxo wants to stuff... Stuffing. There's got to be a joke there.'

All right, mate. Will you lend us your phone, mate?

What?

Lend us your fucking phone.

Why?

- Well, I need to make a call. - Don't you have your own phone?

Lend us your phone!

Right. It's just...

"Neither a lender nor a borrower be."

Do you think we're some pair of shithouses?

No! God, no!

It's just... It's a Blackberry!

Give us your phone, give us your wallet.

Come on! Before we fuckin' do you!

'Do me?! Are they gonna rape me?!

'Or kill me?! If they rape and kill me, I hope they kill me first.

'I sort of win.'

Is that it? You got nothing else?

- Yes. - What else?

There's my travelcard.

'That's great! Help the muggers! What d'you want? Approval?! '

All right.

Now piss off!

'Oh, this really takes the biscuit.'

Faster...!

'I thought it was the muggers who had to run off! The victim flees? '

Faster!

'Oh, this really leaves a sour taste.'

'This'll be OK. I'll just do the threesome tomorrow,

'then finish with her.

'Bit ungentlemanly, but then it's a threesome.

'It's not exactly Romeo and Juliet, is it? '

Hey, Mark.

You all right?

Uh-huh.

'No need to tell him what happened.

'Just button up. Like the '40s.

'People saw terrible things in the war. They didn't go on about them.

'They had a cup of tea and invented the NHS instead.'

Can I have a bit of your parsley?

Get away! Fuck off! Fuck off my stuff!

- It's just a bit of parsley! - Look, it's just...

On the way home, I got...

These blokes... mugged me.

Oh, man. That is unlucky.

'Of course, they target the frail. They smell the weak.'

So, what happened? Did they pull a knife?

No, not a knife.

Jesus! A shooter?!

No, they didn't have a...

There was two of them.

They asked to borrow my phone, but...

they didn't really want to borrow it.

No?

No.

Then they asked for my wallet.

Uh-huh. So... they asked, and...

you just gave them your wallet?

Jeremy, I was in the underpass with these two...

gentleman who asked for your possessions! Mark!

You've got to toughen up! This is the 21st century.

You've seen Mad Max, haven't you? That's what's going to happen.

Mad Max isn't necessarily gonna happen.

Oh, sure. You live in your Hitchhiker's Guide world,

wandering around in your dressing gown, and have a nice cup of tea.

Yes, well, look... Anyway, Sophie's coming over,

so I'm gonna need the cooker.

Right. It's just... I was hoping...

You know, it's my big meal. The big night with Big Suze.

Right. Did you finish with Michelle?

Yeah... Kinda.

I mean, no. She offered me a threesome.

But what about?

I thought you were dead set on getting back together with Big Suze.

I am, Mark! Totally!

She called again tonight.

God! What a great call! It was like the old days.

She was laughing like a... maniac!

Right. So what about the threesome? What about Michelle?

Oh, well. I had a bit of a plan about that.

I thought I wouldn't tell Big Suze about Michelle or the threesome.

Oh, right! Brilliant!

It's good, isn't it?

Jez, are you sure about Big Suze?

It's just it took you such a long, long time

to get over her leaving you.

In a way, you never totally got over her leaving you.

Well, that's just as well then, isn't it? Cos now she's coming back.

So shut up!

Great fish pie, Mark.

Thank you, Soph. Thanks very much.

I may not be an expert, but I do my best,

and that's all anyone can ask.

'Just subtly lowering her expectations in the bedroom there! '

So, I was thinking...

Maybe we could "work" a bit better in the bedroom!

I mean, it's fine if you don't want to.

Sure, great!

'Oh, God! She's a man-eater. She's gonna chew me up and spit me out! '

Mark, where's all the lkea candles?

Uh...

It's Suze! Big Suze is here!

Hi, Jeremy!

Big Suze! My, God! You're looking... great!

Three years, yeah? Three bloody years!

I know, and look at you!

God, you've changed so much! But I think you might be wearing

the same clothes as when I last saw you.

Right! What a weird coincidence!

Oh, we should leave that for Stu.

Stew? What stew?

Who's Stu?

Stu's my man! My hunk of monk!

What the hell do you mean by that?

Just that he used to be a monk, that's all.

He's just parking up the Golf.

But... Your man? Cos I thought, you know...

On the phone, there was all the laughing... I mean... I thought...

What was all the laughing for?

It was just laughing.

Oh, right.

What's the problem, Jez? I thought this was gonna be nice.

I'm with Stu, you're with good old Michelle.

'Shit! They're still in contact! Think of something.' No, I'm not.

Oh. Right. She just said...

That was just a mistake.

Followed by a series of subsequent mistakes

which, when you look at all together, really don't add up to much.

Anyway, I've done all that now, so there's nothing stopping us...

- We should let Stu in. - Ye-eah... Should we, though?

Hey, Stu-bod! This is Jez.

- Hey, man. - Hi. I'm her ex.

Jez, don't be stupid. We were never really...

We lived together for a year and a half.

Well, we kind of did, but in 2002, in that weird flat.

- The Love Shack?! - Listen, can we take a shower?

- No. - It was a really sweaty flight.

There isn't that much hot water.

That's fine. We'll share! See you in an hour or so, yeah?

'He's a monk. He's gonna have 15 years of spunk backed up.

'How am I supposed to compete with that? '

Wow! This is a lot of candles. It's actually getting pretty hot in here.

I tried opening a window, but a lot of them blew out,

which, I suppose, actually shows that electric light

is quite a lot better. I know that's not a very fashionable thing to say.

'What am I talking about?

'Jeremy's sex CD!

'Better than Big Bond Themes, I guess.

'Bond wouldn't get mugged!

'Bollocks! Forgot to call and stop the phone.

'Could go and do it now - pretend I need a dump... Not very sexy.'

So, Mark. Time for us to get down to some work.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

'Oh, yeah, this is it!