Harley Quinn

Frank, quit squirming. You're like, acting like a kid.

Hey, don't take too much off. I'm like fucking Samson.

All my strength comes from my luscious locks.

Okay. If you keep moving

I'm going to cut off more than your hair.

Hold still, God damn it!

- Oh! Pardon my reach! - Uh, hon--

Better to clean as you go than wait for a big mess.

Who are you, and what have you done with my pigpen girlfriend?

That was the Gotham me.

This is the Metropolis me,

the me that loves to get up super early to clean.

Meaning you woke up from another nightmare

about another skull, huh?

Ugh, I keep seeing that big-ass skull watching over me,

till suddenly it rockets down, I run for my life and bam!

I wake up covered in piss.

And now I'm rethinking my lovely snorkeling dream.

But nightmare piss ain't bringing me down.

Used my morning to set up our fancy new massage shower head.

Holy shit, I thought the energy laws banned these.

Which is why I ordered it off the dark web.

I mean, what's next on the Metropolis Harley's agenda?

Did the early morning clean,

so now I gotta clean the cleaning supplies

for the afternoon clean

plus a few hours with that there shower head.

She means she's gonna masturbate.

I got that, Frank.

- Shaun? - I hate my dad!

So I ran away to be with my cool, queer aunts.

Oh! You hear that? He called us "cool"!

- He thinks everything's cool -So cool!

I'll text King Shark.

I was playing with our cat, Ms. Mittens

and she disappeared, but my sister Annie told Dad

I ate Mittens.

But I'd never eat anything I wasn't supposed to.

He's gonna fucking eat me!

- Shaun, no! Off! Off! Down. - Okay.

King says, "Stuck dealing with the Octopus Empire uprising,

be there as soon as I crush their sultan."

No, no, no. We already have one child to take care of.

Who are you calling a child?

May be 10 in human years, but in plant years, I'm, uh, wait.

Plant years move faster, one, two, three...

Fuck! I'm 90!

Okay, Shaun, you need to go home.

- I can watch him. - I'm sorry,

you want to babysit again? I mean,

just 'cause of what happened last time.

Come on, Ives, that was different!

How much trouble can one little shark cause?

Right, Shaun? Shaun!

I didn't do it.

- Go for Bruce... - Bruce, our shower's broken.

And... so is your face?

Damn it. I can't figure out these stupid new filters.

Lena loves them, especially during phone sex--

Oh, my God! Stop! Gross! Ew!

Back to fixing our shower, please.

Broken shower is building manager talk,

not building owner.

Here's a tuna sandwich, sweetie!

What's the difference?

You want to talk to Alfred.

Alfred's the building manager? Isn't he in jail?

Lucky for you I got him out on parole for my party tonight.

- What party? - The one you didn't RSVP to.

The "Big Pasta Dinner." A little shindig,

meet-and-greet for all our building.

Oh yeah! The invite. Must have got lost in the mail.

I hand delivered it.

Well, my drone hand delivered it,

but I controlled it from my bedroom.

Come mingle, eat some garlic fettuccine

And you can talk to Alfred about your broken shower.

Fine. But if this becomes an orgy we're probably leaving.

- Hey, where's my sandwich? - What's an org-ee?

Oh shit! You're allergic to peanuts!

I love my new necklace!

It's not a necklace, it is a leash to make sure

you don't eat anything you're not supposed to.

No shower heads, sinks, toilets--

Elderly plants living out their last of days.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Uh, where is everyone?

This is everyone. The other condos are owned

by Saudi businessmen who don't actually live here.

Lois, you have a condo here?

Bruce, uh, gifted it to Superman for his birthday.

I only let people I trust live here.

Hola, mi amigos!

Joker!

Okay. The orgy is definitely off.

Chill, my dude.

Mi amor got the place for our Sophia here.

Landed an internship in the city.

Sophia, tell the uppity man where.

Wayne Industries.

Ah, you must be in our "Waynetech for Teens" program.

My father always said,

"No ship can take you further than an internship."

I can see why someone murdered him.

Lena! Are you wearing that dress I bought for you tonight?

Oh, okay.

Lena will no longer be joining.

- It'll just be the 10 of us. - Nine of us.

- Raven isn't coming. - What happened?

Like you care.

Teenagers. So brooding.

Ahem. Dinner is served.

- It's good sauce. - Old Wayne recipe.

The secret's tomatoes.

Alfred! More cheese.

A fresh wheel. Hand grated.

Who is that?

My first ward, Dick Grayson.

We stayed here when he was young.

Sadly, he was murdered.

So much I never said to him.

And now, I never will.

Hmm.

I failed you, my beautiful Dick.

Uh-huh.

Who's the other guy?

Jason Todd, my second ward.

- Also murdered. - Ooh, that's...

Hate to be one of his wards.

Damian, so funny seeing you here.

It's my once a fiscal quarter visit with my dad.

I hate dads.

Grounding you for eating yummy cats you didn't even eat.

You try getting forced to go to dinner parties

thrown by a man who once held you captive

only to be pawned off to some children!

Try being abandoned like that!

My father moved to another city without even telling me.

Game recognizes game.

So, Lois, how's Superman's sabbatical going?

Ha! That's so funny.

Everyone always asks about Superman, never about me.

- Hmm. - Um...

- Then, how's The Daily Planet! - Terrible!

I won journalism's highest honor

and now Perry has me covering middle school theater.

So there's no time to look into real stories.

I smoke cigars now.

Hold on. Alfred I am putting in a request for a new shower.

- More. - Perchance, did it involve the siren call

of a massage shower head?

- Yeah, how did you know? - Still more.

Butler intuition.

Alas, installing an illegal shower head

voids building policy.

- It's your responsibility now. - Don't be afraid.

Come on, be a pal.

Can't you make an exception just this once?

That's too much. Fetch a new plate

and start over.

You expect me to eat the bill?

Should've used your copious free time

to read the building rulebook.

You fancy-ass asshole!

Either you do the repair or I swear to God

I'll fucking kill you, Alfred!

What? What? Do I have sauce on my face?

Oh! This knife. Well, this does not look good.

We heard a scream and... Alfred?

He's dead.

Mmm. RIP to the only motherfucker 20 years within my age.

Cool! Dessert!

- Leave it. - And someone murdered him.

Wha... I didn't murder Alfred!

Well, why would any of us murder him?

I mean, the pasta wasn't al dente,

but I'm not about to kill over it.

No one leaves till we solve this.

Uh, maybe the butler did it!

Oh shit! She cracked the case!

Honey, the butler's dead.

Oh, shit! She's fucked!

Hey, she did not do it.

It doesn't take, let's say,

the world's greatest detective

to see she's holding the murder weapon.

I swear, someone put this in my hand!

Enough! Harley Quinn, you murdered Alfred Butler.

Okay. That can't actually be his last name, right?

I'm not a big fan of murder, but in this case...

An eye for an eye, you know?

Oh, shit, shit. Maybe you should just take a moment to um...

Sucks that the guy who'd clean this up is dead,

am I right?

Nothing? Okay.

Cool! A big boy bed!

I cannot believe Bruce thinks I offed Alfred.

Honey, I totally believe you,

but, you know, it wouldn't be the first time

you've killed someone without realizing.