Gothic Slayers

Careful, Icarus.

Hyah!

Nice driving, losers.

I'm fucking athletic as hell.

- Seriously, man. - Whoops.

- You're very athletic. - I've seen your pecs, bro.

I don't know, dude. People are saying that golf

isn't like a real sport, but I was like, "What the fuck?"

- Seriously, what the fuck? - No.

Whoa!

Hey, you want a couple pointers?

Oh, yes. Sorry, I don't mean to bother you.

Yeah. Well, that was a left-hand drive, so that was wrong.

-Oh. -But don't worry, I'm here to help you.

You see, the key to a good swing is all in the...

...hips.

Now, let's try again.

I want blue.

Oh, blue is too big for you.

Pink is the perfect size.

I don't want pink. Pink is dumb.

Oh, pink is so totally not dumb. I mean, think about flamingos.

They're pink. They're pretty cool.

You seem like a flamingo kind of guy to me.

No? Not an animal guy?

My grandma says it's pathetic

you work at a mini golf course.

Your grandma said that?

Wait, who's your grandma? Does she know me?

- One, two, 3.50 is your change.

No refunds on lost balls.

Oh, also, don't make eye contact

with the squirrel statue on hole five.

People say it's haunted.

Oh, how interesting.

Okay. Thank you so much, sweetie.

Ma'am, I'm flattered by your obvious flirting,

but you should know I only have eyes for one girl,

and she is not you.

What is it like being in your twenties

and still having your mom plan out your outfit?

Oh, okay.

Uh, well, you know, what's it like

not being eligible for the pizza raffle anymore?

Did you think about that?

Ow! Son of a bi... scuit.

- What happened? - He called me a flamingo.

I did not.

-What is your name? -Uh, that's Ben, and I'm Dylan.

Let us know if you need anything else. Uh, besides romance.

Like I said, uh, not interested.

Yeah, no, your manager's going to hear about this.

Well, hey, you're in luck. This is the future manager right here,

so we'll take all your positive feedback whenever you're ready.

-Ooh, yeah. Well done. -Ooh, that-- Yeah, that was really good.

-That was really good. Yeah. -That felt really good.

- It felt really good from here too.

-All right, let's do this again. Ready? -Okay.

-Hey, what's wrong man? -She's not going to give positive feedback.

-She's pissed. -Oh, well,

I did break her heart, so that makes sense.

Why can't we get that kind of respect?

Right. Yeah, like she's impressed.

You're so amazing.

She's just saying that.

I respect you so much.

- Dude, you're gonna get the job. You're like Mr. Putt-Putt.

-Mini golf. -Why are you so crazy about that?

-Everyone calls it putt-putt. -It's in the sign.

Well, I mean, technically, that says--

You ever wish your life had ended up,

I don't know, differently?

You mean, like if we were ninjas?

-Professional wrestlers? -No, not like...

Well, kinda. I mean, without the ninja part.

-So, professional wrestlers. -No, no. I mean, like college, girls.

You know, like them.

Uh, no.

Our lives are sweet, dude.

Ten years from now, they're gonna have some big, successful career,

giant houses, beautiful families.

But what are they going to talk about when they see each other?

All the fun, stupid stuff they did when they were young.

When they're sitting back, wishing they could go back and relive the glory days,

we're gonna be right here, together,

living the exact same amazingly awesome life

we're living right now.

Yeah, I guess.

Come on, man. What could be better than this?

Ow! Mother--

- Losers. - What?

Mm-hm.

You dare approach a holy knight

on the sacred land of his father

and his fathers before him?

Foul demon,

- you truly are as foolish as you look.

For I am Dougie of the House of Harris,

and I shall not be bested by the likes of you!

Hey, Dougie.

Hey.

-Oh. -Oh.

Oh, nice.

Fore.

You fought bravely, good sir knight.

Two Fudgy Penguins. Have a brr-illiant day.

Welcome to the Arctic Circle, where the only thing colder than...

-Oh. -Hey, Jenny.

-Dylan. Ben. -Hey.

Uh, three twists, with yours in a kiddie cup?

I love that you know my order.

Yeah, well, you come here every day, so...

Oh, you.

Um, I'll take sprinkles.

-It's been a rough day. -Uh, hey, buddy, this round's on me.

I... can afford it.

Did you see her smile at me?

- Uh, yeah. - Yeah.

There you go.

- Thank you. - Three twists. And there.

Uh, hey, any time, free putt-putt. On me.

-I know. -Any time.

Next.

-Free putt-putt. -Next!

I think I'm making some real progress.

Yeah. I mean, she didn't slam your fingers in the window this time.

Come on, man, that only happened thrice.

Ready for a Mega Comets rematch?

Oh. Hey, I call dibs on red controller.

Blue controller is definitely busted.

Oh, dude, you're just so mad that you keep losing.

You know, Lenny told me they got a bunch of new games,

including Gothic Slayers 4!

-No way! -No way!

Oh.

-Oh. -Oh.

-Oh, dang, are those your karate khakis? -Yeah.

Did it start raining?

Who are they?

Have they been staring at us this whole time?

I don't know.

-Let's get the fuck out of here. -Not before you fix that stain.

-You don't want it to set while we're driving. -Oh. Okay.

Stain's gone. Go, go, go!

Arcade, here we come.

Oh, good. It stopped raining.

Truck.

Cones. Child.

- Losers. - Step on it.

I want to get there before the middle school lets out.

Say no more.

Oh, no!

Perfect.

Uh, rumor has it we're getting a pool.

-What? A pool? -Yep. Mm-hm.

-Where would it even go? -Uh, at the bottom of the range.

Everyone swimming would be given helmets.

Garlic smash.

-Who said this? -Keith.

- Keith? - I, I like Keith.

You can't trust a word Keith says.

Remember that time he said they were getting

a laser tag course with real lasers?

- Oh, shit, that would be fucking tight.

Apparently, the creators of Gothic Slayers,

they spent about six months studying hemodynamics

just to make the game as authentic as possible.

Oh, that's the study of blood flow.

-That's cool, Derek. -Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Hey, have you checked out the new prizes yet?

We got a shipment of new bouncy balls,

and they bounce really high.

Oh, no, no. I missed the heart. Save me. Save me.

Hold on. Got one on my left.

Player one mauled by Gothic horrors. Join them in hell.

- Sweet. I'm up. - Continue .

Welcome back.

Double stake. Combo.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

-Guess who just walked in. -Jenny?

- Shit. They saw us. Pretend like you didn't see them. - Uh...

-Dougie. -I panicked.

Fucking piece of shit. Damn it!

-Hi, there. -We saw you outside our house.

You know what? Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

And that was you. Oh, my gosh, small world.

We just moved here.

Well, howdy-ho there, neighbor.

Very cool house, by the way.

Mm. Very macabre.

Uh, I am Dougie.

- This here is Ben and Dylan. - Hey, what's up?

-What are you playing? -Uh, Gothic Slayers 4 .

It's this game where you go around killing these Gothic freaks.

Not that we have a problem with Goths or anything.

- No, we think Goths are cool. - Mm.

Beware of the Goth chicks!

High five.

Pfft. Silly machine.