Land of the Lost

Mission Control, come in. Mission Control, do you read?

Mayday. Mayday.

On reentry into Earth's orbit, I seem to have fallen into,

I don't know, some kind of tear in time and space.

My coordinates are unknown. Is this even Earth?

Ship's instruments indicate should be White Sands, New Mexico.

Obvious error. Is anyone receiving this? Come back.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Recovery team! Recovery team, fix coordinates now!

Where the hell am I? Somebody respond!

Recovery team, come back, God damn it!

Does anybody: .

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Does anyone read: .

No!

This is Today, with Matt Lauer.

We're back now with Dr. Rick Marshall,

whose new book arrives in stores tomorrow.

It was back in Oslo, Doctor, last month, that you just startled your colleagues

with this theory of yours that takes science in a completely new direction.

Quantum... Quantum Paleontology.

Quantum Paleontology, that's correct.

What exactly is that?

Well, it's... Not to say modestly, it's our very future, Matt.

It's the only real solution

to solving this fossil fuel crisis we're experiencing.

And it boils down to two simple words.

Renewable biofuels.

Close. Time warps.

Time warps? Time warps.

You're serious about this.

I'm deadly serious.

Five years, over $50 million on my research.

You've spent $50 million of your own money studying time warps?

No, that's adorable. No, taxpayers' money. I don't have $50 million.

And now you're asking for more.

It's all explained in my book.

I know. We've plugged the book.

Yeah.

Bantam Books. Amazon.

We are living in a time right now with huge cuts in...

I saw.

Huge cuts in spending. Right.

We're in dire economic straits,

and you're spending $50 million on studying time warps.

How do you not think that's irresponsible?

Well, I... Are you smoking?

No, I'm making a balloon animal here, earthling.

But you can't smoke in the studio.

Okay, no one told me that.

Just, you can't.

Look, look... Fine.

There are huge, huge amounts of trans-dimensional energy out there

just waiting for us to throw the switch.

Energy crisis averted.

You are asking people to stake the entire future of industrialized civilization

on what you call "parallel dimensions."

What about the critics who have a fair question, Doctor?

Mmm-hmm.

They say this theory of yours is not science. It is non-science.

And some are even more blunt, and they say it's nonsense.

How do you respond to that?

My critics? Your critics.

And there are a lot of them. Can you be more specific?

Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking says this is nonsense. That's his word.

Okay, you know what? This interview's over.

Why?

Because, like, your producers said you wouldn't bring that up, all right?

It's a fair question.

No, it's not! It's a hatchet job!

That was my guest Dr. Rick Marshall,

whose book arrives in stores tomorrow.

Goddamn right it was!

You might want to look for it

in the "I'm out of my freaking mind" department.

When we come back, trampolines.

Summer fun or silent killer?

Wait, wait! He's making a run for the stage!

Are you out of your mind?

Hey, he's so strong! What are you, crazy?

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed colleagues, I'll conclude with this.

Our very future depends on one thing.

Subatomic particles that move so incredibly fast,

they actually travel backwards in time.

Ask yourself, what if there was a device that could harness these tachyons?

We could open and travel through warps in time and space.

What's that? Not in our lifetime?

My friends, I've designed such a device.

I give to you the tachyon amplifier.

Genius in a box.

Only with this device, you don't travel forwards or backwards.

You travel sideways in time

to another dimension where past, present and future all meet.

And lights!

All right, any questions?

Oh! Great. Yes. You, right there, young man.

Yeah. If you shot a ton of pot at the sun,

would it burn up and get everybody high?

No. No, no.

Are there any real questions that pertain to science?

Do you take Cialis?

Why were you crying in the bathroom before this presentation?

How come it looks like you're about to cry now?

Do dinosaurs have boobs?

That's it. That's it. Everybody out of here.

Get out of here! Go play in the parking lot.

Go run around on the freeway, I don't care.

Okay, guys, let's get some sugar!

I have a question.

Did you ever try to make the tachyon amplifier?

Who are you?

Oh! I'm sorry. I'm Holly Cantrell.

I studied all your work at Cambridge.

I think you're brilliant.

Well, Holly from Cambridge who thinks I'm brilliant,

I started, but I didn't finish. So, no.

No, but you have to build it. I mean, it's the most incredible...

What are you eating?

It's a donut stuffed with M&M's.

That way when you finish the donut, you don't have to eat any M&M's.

But don't you see? You were absolutely right.

Everything... Stop!

Chasing that theory got me laughed out of mainstream science and landed me here.

And you know what? I don't have anyone to blame but myself.

'Cause, as they say, if you don't make it, it's your own damn "vault."

That's a bitch-slap of truth right there.

If your theories are such rubbish, then explain this.

That fossil is over 265 million years old

with an imprint of a $10 lighter.

Go on, explain that.

I found it out in the desert along with crystals like this

that radiate pure tachyon energy.

Go on.

Explain that.

Captain Kirk's nipples!

The tar pits will be open in five minutes.

Dr. Marshall, please return the page.

Dr. Marshall?

Oh, my God.

Are you all right? Hey. Up you get.

Here. Just lean against... Oh, dear.

I'm fine, okay. I just worked late.

Then I got hungry, and I had several meals and lapsed into a food coma.

I've had issues with food in the past, and I don't know, you know,

just with the stress of everything, I just overdid it.

But I'm in control, and I don't have to go back to Phoenix.

I just... I wanted to come and apologize for yesterday.

My behavior was just...

No, no, no, it was me.

You finished the tachyon amplifier!

No. No. I mean, yes.

I don't know. I finished building it, yes,

but I didn't have the nerve to test it out.

So I thought a trip to Arby's might give me some courage, but no dice.

Then I had Popeye's, Del Taco.

Fourteen thousand calories later,

I found myself down at Subway,

powering through a 12-inch veggie on whole wheat,

babbling to a cutout of Jared.

It still didn't give me the strength to turn that thing on.

I'm a coward.

You are not a coward. You're a visionary.

This is probably the greatest work of genius in the last 100 years.

God, I hope I get it! I hope I get it

How many: .

Is that A Chorus Line?

It's leftover data from the drive.

What a piece of crap!

Look at all the people: .

The machine, I mean. Not A Chorus Line.

I love show tunes. They really tell the story of the human condition.

It's a bit gay.

It is great.

Right. Dr. Marshall, you're gonna stop selling yourself short.

You're on the verge of major discovery. Now get up.

Whoa! Where are we going?

We're gonna go and test this little device in the field.

Are you crazy? I'm not prepared for a field test.

Look, we're not gonna make a big deal out of it.

It's just a routine expedition.

A routine expedition?

Purely routine.

Here. Here it is. This is where I found the fossil.

The Devil's Canyon Mystery Cave.

This dump is a portal?

Well, just look at these readings!

We've just gotta get back in that cave.

No problem. The place is obviously abandoned.

Not exactly.

So what's your pleasure?

I got Roman candles, bottle rockets,

twitter glitters, dancing butterflies.

This little bitch here, I call the Mexican vasectomy.

Yeah?

Okay, that's in bad taste. How about this?

This little travel mug I like to call "The Perfect Woman."

Big old set of boobies, no head and a handle.

Mmm-mmm.

Look, we want to go in the cave, all right?