Episode #1.3

Come on.

Fucking useless.

Hey, hey.

Come on.

Come on, you son of a bitch.

Fuck.

Any old storm, any old port

Life is long, love is short

You'd better get a woman Get a woman if you can

If you can't get a woman Get a clean old man

Do they hang too low? Do they swing to and fro?

Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?

Swing 'em round your shoulder Like European soldier?

Do they hang too low in the mornin'?

Any old storm, any old port

Life is long, love is short

You'd better get a woman Get a woman if you can

If you can't get a woman Get a clean old man

I'd like to open up the floor to deliberations.

I would like to deliberate on the topic of Brother Charles.

Yes, I too would like to speak on the subject of Brother Charles.

Must we do this every single week?

Charles, it is only through the practice of receiving our peers

that we can hope to achieve spiritual perfection.

His behavior has been a matter of grave concern.

He'll often speak ill of the cooperative, take more than his fair share at meals.

I caught him spying with lust upon Joseph and I in the greenhouse.

-Esther, you fucking wish. -Charles!

With deference, Elder Noyes,

I will not stand by idly and accept this slander on my name,

not when I have pledged myself to God as I have.

Do you doubt the principles of our community,

this church that's given you a home these past five years?

I'll admit, I-I-I fear that the culture of free love has grown perverse, yes.

He's just upset none of the sisters will share an experience with him.

Is that true? Have not one of you had a desire to know this man?

They've devised a nickname, sir, with regard to Brother Charles.

What sort of nickname?

"Charlie Get-Out."

I would sooner not be loved than by any of you harlots or sinners.

I made a mistake thinking I could ever reach enlightenment at a place like this.

Menial farm work and-and-and casual fucking may satisfy this bunch,

but there is a greater destiny out there for me.

Mark my words.

My name will be known one day all across this country.

Laugh away.

But remember, he who laughs last, laughs best.

I'll be glad when you're dead You rascal, you

Hmm?

There's my cheerful husband.

We'll only stay an hour, I promise.

This is your night. Enjoy it.

Mr. President.

Mr. Douglass.

I'd like you to know Blanche K. Bruce, senator from Mississippi.

Oh, I believe we met briefly in Chicago at the convention.

You were for Grant, if memory serves.

I will not dare deny it.

Those I represent cannot afford to lay all their chips on an underdog.

Were I faced with your stakes, I probably would have made the same bet.

Let it be water under the bridge.

Ah.

I admired your strong words during the campaign.

I only hope they will be paired with even stronger action.

The Black man held the line for you in the South, and at his own peril.

I needn't remind you just on whose tab we owe our champagne tonight.

I haven't forgotten.

Our administration will be staffed solely with the most progressive, qualified of--

Greetings, you bastards.

I am skunked.

Your drink of choice, Mr. Vice President?

Sausages!

-Senator Blaine. Mrs. Garfield. -Oh!

Crete, have you met Kate Sprague?

Not in the official sense, but I've heard truly impressive things.

Mrs. Sprague, will the governor be joining us in town tonight?

-Oh, he's detained, sadly. -Oh.

Back in Rhode Island.

Roscoe's graciously offered to escort me to the ball.

I would be rude not to ask after your wife, Senator Conkling.

She's minding the homestead up in Albany.

The climate this far south never much agreed with Julia.

-Mr. President. -Oh…

Would you excuse me, gentlemen?

Mrs. Sprague.

Mrs. Garfield.

Good to have you out and about, Blainsy. You've been sorely missed.

Political cockroaches like you and I, Roscoe, we can only stay in exile so long.

-Did you enjoy the president's speech? -Bleeding heart vaudeville.

Crow on about reforms, fetch good press.

I suspect some of it may be sincere.

Yeah, well, I could give a fuck.

You'd better remind our man Garfield just who it was

that saved his campaign at the 11th hour

while he was off slinging pig shit in Ohio and you were licking your wounds.

New York doesn't work pro bono.

He can grandstand all he wants, but we expect to be remembered.

Lighten up, Blainsey. Our side won.

Roscoe, I'm ready to start dancing.

Then dance we must.

Mrs. Sprague, give my best to Governor Sprague.

Oh.

I love it when old men are catty.

Oh. Here we are.

-Thank you. -Oh, happy to be of service.

Then I don't know what you're doing here.

Oh, this city still manages to bring out the worst in people somehow.

I blame the formal attire.

It makes it, uh, awfully difficult to use a toilet.

That's funny.

You should try on a bustle and then let's talk.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm not built for this sort of world.

Well, as my sister always likes to say, the world is what we make of it.

And there's no use giving up before we've even begun.

Not sure I caught your name.

Charles Guiteau.

I'm proud to say I'm one of the men that helped make your husband president.

Oh.

Yes.

That makes much more sense.

Speaking of which, I ought to hunt him down.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, oh, sorry. No, no, I'm not, I'm not--

I just-- I-I-I-I would love a moment with him is all.

To conduct a post-mortem on the campaign to see if I can be of further help to him.

Please?

I will be sure to let him know.

-Have a nice evening, Mr. Guiteau. -Ma'am.

Because they look so neat

Oh, them golden slippers!

Oh, them golden slippers!

Oh, Mr. Vice President Arthur, sir!

Hey!

We really gave those devils a taste of our medicine back in November,

eh, my old friend?

Oh, I can't tell you, sir, the pride I felt that night

when the numbers came in for us.

To be a force in a great movement much larger than myself.

-Shit! -Indeed, indeed.

And we have a rare opportunity, don't you think?

To effect the kind of mandate that only comes along once in a generation.

-I gotta tell you, sir, I'm ready. -What's it now?

I'm ready to be called up, sir, in an official capacity.

I would very much like to be part of this organization.

Mm-mm!

Hm! Okay, yes.

Yes, sir? Yes?

That's splendid! That's splendid news!

I had a sense you would agree. We'll make an unbeatable pair, you and I.

I wonder where I could be used for the greatest public benefit.

Um, some consulate, perhaps, to strengthen our ties with Europe?

I have a little French. My name is French.

Okay, okay, okay, listen.

I need you to do something for me. Something very, very important.

Anything, anything.

I need you to find the sausage man.

The sausage man?

You, there!

May we examine your invitation to tonight's event, please?

I'm the Vice President, you fuckin' pricks.

Apologies, sir.

We mean this fellow with you.

We discovered a broken window in the East Wing

and have reason to suspect someone snuck in.

Your invitation, please.

This is not what it appears.

Let's take it outside.

No, let's not take it out-- No, get your hands off me.

Sir, will you please tell them that I belong here?

Get your hands off me!

Sir, will you tell them who I am?

I don't have the slightest fucking idea.

No!

Get off the-- Hey!

-Careful! -Stop! What are you doing?

Get off the bike! Get off!

The dog does not belong here!

Ooh!

Take the dog out!

-Stop! -Can't we keep him?

Will you stop?

Stop!

Conkling wants Secretary of State.

Oh, does he?

The senior-most role in my cabinet?

We wouldn't have won the election without him.

God knows I wasn't much help in Maine.

Oh, stop it.

Well, I've drawn up my own list of appointees.

Here, have a look.

Me.

I need a Secretary of State I can trust.

I'm dealing with a rogue vice president, as it stands.

I'm honored, Mr. President.

But for your sake,

I ought to reject it.

-You're the best man for the job. -Of course I am.

All the names on your list are, and not one of them is remotely viable.

These are all progressives, avowed enemies of the spoils system.