Seinfeld

The pilot comes on with his little announcements.

"I'm going over this. I'm going over that.

"I'm taking a left. I'm bringing it up. I'm taking it down.

I'm going right. I'm going this way. I'm going that way."

And we're back there, "Yeah, that's all fine.

"Just do whatever the hell you gotta do.

I don't know what the hell is going on."

Do I bother him? Do I go knocking on the cockpit door?

"I'm having the peanuts now.

Just thought you might like to know what we're doing."

Thank you. Good night.

Ah. Whew.

Jerry!

Hey, hey.

Sally Weaver.

Susan Ross' roommate from college? Hello?

Right. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, so you saw the show?

Saw it? I loved it.

Ah. And thank you for the free tickets.

You are so funny.

Oh, thanks.

No, no, I mean it. You're very funny.

I believe you.

Aw, anyway, let me show you Memphis.

I am taking you out to dinner.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't.

I'm going straight to the airport.

Oh, that's too bad.

Susan thought we'd really get along.

I guess 'cause we're both wacko!

You know what? Um, you have to give this to them for me. Okay?

Here, it's a wedding present.

Oh.

Oh, and Jerry, be careful with it, okay?

Be very careful.

Uh-huh.

George, as you may be aware

your mother and I are not moving

to Del Boca Vista, Florida.

I am aware.

So I was wondering, would it be okay

if I turned your room into a billiard parlor?

A billiard parlor?

Regulation table, the hi-fi, maybe even a bar.

Give it some real...authenticity.

Well, that's-- Elaine.

Oh, hi, Frank.

Yeah, sit down. Join us, please.

Actually, I've gotta get to the, uh...thing.

The thing's canceled. Sit down.

Okay.

So...

Frank, did George ever show you that photo?

What photo?

The photo I took in Tuscany of the little man

in front of the sign that said "Costanza."

There's a Costanza in Tuscany?

Did he look like me? Did you talk to him?

I didn't talk to anyone.

I was just walking by and I saw the sign.

I thought George might get a kick out of it.

I gotta get that picture.

Could be my cousin, Carlo.

Who is that?

When the Costanzas came here, one brother stayed behind.

I played with his son every day until the age of four

when we were separated.

So you weren't born here?

No.

That's why I could never be president.

It always hurt me.

That's why, even at an early age,

I had no interest in politics.

I refuse to vote.

They don't want me, I don't want them!

I don't know why you're getting all riled up.

There's probably a million Costanzas--

Don't bring me down.

You have a copy of that photo?

No, I-- I don't, but...

well, the Maestro might.

The Maestro? What Maestro?

He's this guy that I went to Tuscany with.

He's a great guy, but I just wouldn't feel comfortable calling him.

Really? Why?

Because he hasn't called me since we got back.

I spilled wine on this 8-by-10 photo

of one of his favorite Italian opera stars.

Hm. Who?

You know the Three Tenors?

Yeah, Pavarotti, Domingo and, uh, the other guy.

The other guy.

Can I take that box for you?

Uh, well, you better not.

I'm supposed to be careful with it.

Then I'll have to put your bag in the overhead.

Oh, okay.

There.

Oh, look at this.

What?

I bought a bottle of barbecue sauce in Memphis.

I think the stewardess broke it

when she tried to jam it into the overhead compartment

because of this stupid thing.

Don't press the panic button.

I'm sure that we can still salvage some sauce.

I don't care about the sauce.

It came in this funny bottle,

and there was a guy on the label

looked exactly like Charles Grodin.

I see.

No, you don't see.

Because I'm going on the show this week,

and this was gonna be my bit on the show.

Why don't you do your material?

I'm out.

Boy, you better get to work.

Thanks for the tip.

Hey, buddies.

Hey.

Hey, this is for you.

It's from Susan's roommate, Sally.

Oh, yeah, Sally called Susan.

Said you guys really hit it off.

Nobody hit anything off.

She just gave me the box.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I'm salvaging the sauce.

What's a matter with you?

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on.

Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?

Like what?

Well, you know, "What is all this stuff?

"Why do we need this stuff?

And why do they make 'em so small?"

Wh--? Where is the punchline?

It's all attitude.

This is certainly a crappy gift.

A doormat?

That's what she had me lug up from Memphis?

Pretty chintzy, huh? Considering the money she makes.

She's a big executive for Federal Express.

Federal Express?

Is she out of her mind? Why didn't she just ship it?

Look, it's personalized. "The Costanzas."

No. No, forget it.

I don't want it. Let's just get rid of it.

Maybe your father would be interested in that.

I doubt it. You know what he's doing now?

He's putting a pool table in my old bedroom.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe I'll go out there

and knock a few balls around with him.

You know, show him a thing or two.

So, what's your game? What do you like to play?

Eight ball.

No, nothing doing.

Let's you and me play a game of straight pool. Hm?

You like to gamble, Cosmo, huh?

Yeah, now and then.

You know how it is.

Five dollars a game, huh?

I'll break.

Okay.

That's it. That's it.

Seven ball.

What's, uh...?

What's all this?

Oh, I'm just moving in some more of my stuff.

More of her stuff.

Oh, I put up my doll collection.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

What? What is it?

This doll looks like my mother.

George, it's a doll.

I know it's a doll.

But it looks like my mother.

Oh, get outta here.

Seven, low.

What's going on in here?

Are you two still playing?

You've been up here three hours.

We haven't finished the first game.

First game?

Well, we're still, uh, learning the subtleties of the table.

He knows the Maestro. He could have the picture.

Oh, forget about it. It's not your cousin.

You don't know that!

We gonna go see him, huh?

Soon as the game is over.

Oh, boy.

Eleven, corner pocket.

What is this thing doing here?

Oh, I used to love to sleep with my dolls when I was a little girl.

I'm-- I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Why?

I feel like I'm in bed with my mother.

Stop it, hm?