AfterMASH

Attention patients, Legion Post 55 from Hannibal is

hosting tonight's bingo game in the second floor day room.

Refreshments will be served.

First game starts promptly at 7.30.

Bingo tonight at 7.30 in the second floor day room.

Ms. Canfield, open examining room two and get a bed in there.

Hold on, Soon-Lee.

Oh, I'm never ever going to do this again.

Colonel, she's pregnant.

Only for a little while.

It's against regulations.

This woman's not going to have her baby in the backseat of my Packard halfway delivering General.

Someday you'll fall in love and understand.

Besides, she's a veteran of Korea.

Mash!

Mash!

I want Mash!

Turnkey, let me out of here!

How can you lock up a man who's having a baby?

Oh, cut out that racket.

Where were you raised?

In a barn?

I gotta get out of here.

My wife needs me.

Oh yeah, you're the fella from last night.

What'd you do again?

Got sick on the cop's shoes?

No, that was me.

Beat up some shady real estate guy who swindled me out of my first house.

House?

I never lived in a house.

I lived in an outhouse.

Grew some beautiful flowers in there.

Gotta get out of the warden.

There's no sleeping on the king's schedule today.

It's time for my toilet.

Right this way, Father.

Max!

Gee, they're gonna execute you for making a real estate man, Father.

I'm here, Max.

I'm here.

I'm going crazy.

Tell me what happened.

Am I a daddy?

Am I a widow?

Is he a she?

Is she a he?

What?

Easy, Max.

Easy.

So far, it's a not yet.

What?

Soon-Lee is still in labor.

Colonel Potter.

What?

They're standing by.

Oh, my God.

It must be eight hours.

That poor kid.

I bring her halfway around the world.

I'm the only family she has here.

And I desert her when she needs me most.

I should be horse-whipped.

They don't do that anymore.

If I didn't get it, it took something.

Talk to the judge.

Let him spring me just so the baby's born.

He can keep me on a long chain.

I was there when she got pregnant.

I have the right to be there now.

Max, what can I do?

It's only 6.30.

Well, so what?

He's a judge.

He's in a robe.

6.30?

I haven't been up this early in years.

That does it.

Today's my day off.

Today's the day I learn how to read.

Max, be patient.

Court opens at 10.

According to the officer, your arraignment should be sometime around 11.

Oh, sure.

But today they'll take an early lunch, start reading my charges at 1 and won't be done till 4.

By then, court is recessed, meaning I'll be here till tomorrow, at which point

they'll deny me bail because I broke probation in Ohio.

Meanwhile, my son is being raised by his mother and learns to throw like a girl.

Max, the first thing you have to do is calm down.

The Colonel and I will do everything we can to help, but for now it's like Korea,

just endure in the faith that this too will pass.

Words to live by, Father, but what I really need is a crucifix with a sharp edge on it.

Don't worry, Your Holiness, I'll keep him company.

He can help me with my reading.

Has this got a name?

Remembrance of Things Past by Proust.

Is it funny?

Time's up, Father.

All right.

Max, I'll keep you posted.

Now, don't worry.

We'll all be there with Soon-Lee, everyone.

It's only everyone if I'm there.

Dr. Boyer, please report your orders to the scene.

Dr. Boyer.

Halt!

Seven-ten split, just my luck!

Fellas better watch it.

Orderly', my catch-up.

The pin-boy is an orderly.

Dr. Caldwell, please report to X-ray.

Dr. Caldwell to X-ray.

Just one second, sir.

Can I help you?

Yes, could you tell me where the X-ray department is?

X-ray, very simple.

Just follow the yellow... Here's my record.

Just one more second.

How's the emergency patient, sir?

Still in labor.

You want to know the real miracle of life?

That women do this more than once.

I've got to check on some of my regulars.

Call if you need me.

Be a lot quieter hereabouts when badminton season rolls around.

I'm sorry, you were going to... X-ray.

Say, did he say a woman was having a baby here?

Yes, that's Colonel Potter's first wife.

The poor man is in jail.

For what?

Oh, I don't know.

He just beat up some guy.

Is that right?

Hmm.

And he's already on probation.

Does the administrator know about that?

Mr. D'Angelo?

Not if he can help it.

Besides, it's Friday.

That's the middle of the weekend for him.

Now, X-ray.

You just follow the yellow line around the corner until it becomes the red line.

Then when it becomes the yellow line again, you make a left.

Yellow to red... But knock first.

They take all kinds of pictures in there.

Chris, call the transportation office.

Good morning, Doctor.

Good morning.

All this for me?

Give patients A to I enemas and M to Z aspirins.

That doesn't work.

Try it the other way around.

They don't pay me enough.

You look like you didn't get very much sleep last night, Doctor.

Actually, I didn't get any.

I was up and about all night.

With a sick friend, of course.

Mr. Simmons, the appendix blew at midnight.

But this evening's another story.

How are you feeling, Miss Park?

Oh, I thought I'd go home and just turn in early.

Then we're on?

Hardly.

Tell you what, do you like movies?

Very much.

Good.

Then we'll go over to your place and you can tell me about some movies you've seen.

Doctor.

Eight O'clock.

Seven-thirty.

I like to get in a newsreel first.

Nurse Weber, reporting to the third floor nurse's station.

What the hell is this?

Mr. Imhoff.

Acute exacerbation of his malaria began with fever, chills, muscle aches.

The question is, what is a patient doing in the hall?

He gets the first available bed.

Actually, the second.

Mr. Beard up in the third floor corridor has been here longer.

Well, these people are going to have to understand.

We're a small hospital.

Bring your own bed.

I'm sorry, Doctor.

We're full up.

Hold on.

With any luck, we'll get you into a stairwell.

What a place.

Dr. Kramer, please return to the emergency.

Have you seen an otter around here?

An otter?

Yeah, a hairy amphibian.

Answers to the name of Mel.

An otter?

I was trying to teach him to drink through a straw, and he ran.

He gets so frustrated.

I've got to find him.

Between the lab and the kitchen, Mel's in trouble.

Keep an eye out for your otter.

Oh, if you see him...

Tell him there's a lot more where this came from.