Bad Thoughts

Oh, come on, sir.

- Where's my slice? - Sorry, Cyrus. All out.

- -

- -

Oh, my God.

Stay away from me.

Saint Mary's?

Is that where you're coming from?

- What's happening outside? - It's a good hospital.

You probably went under when most people did.

Shit started to go wild.

Computers crashed, then the aliens showed up.

- Wh-- What? - Yeah.

The whole world's gone to shit.

Aliens out there...

...forcing people.

Having their way with them.

Sexually.

Sexually?

I don't understand.

What's your name?

- I'm... I'm Evan. - Evan.

That's a nice name.

I'm Roger. Come on.

I got you.

You'll be all right.

I gotta get out of here, man.

You're lucky you found this place.

We're safe in here.

How long have you been here?

A long time.

You haven't tried to leave?

- There's only one way to get out of here. - What?

What is it?

You're not gonna like it.

I don't care if I don't like it, man.

Just tell me.

I saw some people do it when I first got here.

It was horrible.

You saw it and it worked?

Why haven't you tried?

You need two people.

They both have to be committed.

That's good.

All right.

We're two people, and we're committed.

Just tell me what it is.

Okay.

You see that toilet over there?

Yeah.

I'm gonna sit on that toilet.

And when I do,

there will be a gap between my legs.

You're gonna come over there and you're gonna sit in that gap.

And listen, this is where it gets odd.

We both have to shit at the same time.

And if we can do that,

a portal

will open on that wall

and we can leave this madness.

How could you fuck with me like that, man?

I'm not fucking with you.

Sit on a toilet with you and shit at the same time?

- It works. - Yeah.

Yeah, you're a fucking lunatic, man.

I'm fucking out of here.

I wouldn't do that.

I just went in to have my appendix removed.

You see this wall?

This is the portal that opens some...

interdimensional alien something. I...

I've seen it.

It works.

This is insane, man.

So I'm just gonna sit back

so the gap is big enough for you there.

And then we're gonna shit together?

Take a look around, man.

You fell asleep in the hospital and woke up in a goddamn alien apocalypse.

Machines fighting aliens, aliens fucking humans.

Is this really the craziest thing happening these days?

- They're fucking humans? - Uh...

Maybe you'd be a little more comfortable

if you just kind of faced out the other way.

Turn around.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

- - All right.

Now we just need to focus.

Here we go, Roger.

Here we go.

- -

I shit.

I did it, but, uh, nothing's happening.

Evan, I...

I didn't go.

What? You... You didn't? But...

I guess I wasn't ready.

Do you maybe have another one in you?

Another one? I don't know, man.

Hold on.

- Oh, maybe a little one. - Ah.

- That's enough. - Okay.

All right. Here it goes. You ready?

- You bet. - Yeah, okay.

Okay, here it goes. Here it...

- -

I did it.

I shit!

Oh, my God!

Did you shit too?

You know what?

I didn't.

You didn't go?

Then why did I just shit between your legs?

So I can come, baby.

- -

- -

What do you think?

I love it.

All right! Nice!

- We'll take it. - Great.

- He's a good kid. - Yeah.

How'd you trick him?

I made him shit.

You did?

- That's very clever. - Is it?

Yeah. That is very clever.

Do you want the neuron adapter?

It shocks you when the alien comes.

Buddy, what do you think?

- Yeah! - Yeah, let's go for it.

All right.

Some people say it hurts, but I think it adds to the experience.

Success is tough.

Some people define success

as spending quality time with the people they love.

I think we can all agree that those people are losers.

Success means different things to different people.

To this person, it's gaining followers.

To this guy, success means spreading conspiracy theories on the Internet.

I'm a 20-year-old African American woman,

and the measles vaccine caused my hair to fall out.

And to this man, it means going to the bathroom

without filling up the entire toilet

with blood.

Not today.

What does success mean to you?

He's one of the most successful actors to grace the screen.

He's punched, he's kicked, he's flipped countless bad guys.

Didn't your mother teach you not to stay out after dark?

Now we are behind the scenes on the super-secret set

of the new high-octane thriller Maximum Kickage.

Starring the man, the myth, the legend himself,

Steven Seagal.

Steven, you look great.

Yeah.

In the film, you play Drake Kicking,

an American sent to Russia to expose corrupt FBI agents

who are running a fentanyl and kiddie porn ring.

Also, I dismantle nuclear bombs.

Also, I'm a doctor.

Also, I make love to many beautiful women.

Sort of like you.

Yeah.

Like any great Steven Seagal movie,

the audience can expect heart-pounding fight scenes.

I do karate on a helicopter.

I do kung-fu on a speeding motorcycle.

I do all my own shit.

Not like that pussy, Tom Cruise.

Open up.

That was your fault.

Isn't it dangerous to do stunts practically?

- If you're a bitch. - Right.

Van Damme is a bitch.

Wesley Snipes is a bitch.

Daniel Craig's a bitch.

- So how do you-- - Jason Statham's a bitch.

- Oh. - Tom Cruise. Did I say him?

- You did. - He's a double bitch.