The Office

I'm 30 today

My mum got me up really early this morning to give me my present.

Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice.

I'm into… I like ballet. I love the novels of Proust.

I love the work of Alain Delon.

And that's, I think, what influenced her into buying me Hat FM.

I like the radio, too.

Nah, it's all right. It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present.

I have to make sure Finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight.

Seven o'clock on the dot.

Six… Six years in a row. Winners.

So, er… You know…

Finchy! Brent. All right?

Don't forget tonight. Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on.

What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Don't know.

Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good.

No, it's not racist. I thought the column because he's… Yeah.

And she is black, and she's married. It's not even low.

Yeah, 7:00. See you. Bye.

What you doing in so early? Shit the bed?

No. I haven't done that for weeks.

No, my mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present.

-Happy birthday. -Thank you.

What did she get you?

Something you can wear.

-The hat? -The hat, yes. Well done, yeah.

Hiya. All right?

-Happy birthday. -Thank you very much.

Ta.

-Oh, yeah. -Nice hat.

Thanks.

Um, good. That's all in order.

"What's the difference between your wages and your penis?

I can find you lots of women who will blow your wages."

-What's that? - I don't know.

Why has that happened?

Lock up your daughters, as they say.

-Finch is on his way in for the quiz. -Oh, yeah?

Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth?

-Yeah. -Isn't he? Oh.

Keep it that way and you'll only be able to use about 20% of it

when you get me and him together!

Gareth, innit?

Hat.

-It's Tim's birthday. -Oh, yeah?

To be honest, I think you're mad to let me and Finchy on the bleeding telly!

We're like Morecambe and Wise when we get together.

Actually, not Morecambe and Wise, because there's no straight man,

so there's no dead wood.

So, um… I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man.

I do gags as well

But I mean, good together, by now.

We sort of read each other's minds when we're doing a bit of stick.

We just start cracking up, and people watching go, "Why is that funny?"

We tell them why and they go, "Oh, yeah. You are the best."

It's their opinion.

-Happy birthday, by the way. -Thank you.

-Which one is it? -It's 30.

The big 3-0. That's the worst one, isn't it?

I know what you're thinking, "My youth's over."

I remember when I was 30, like you, I was going,

"Ooh, I'm in a rubbish job. My life's rubbish.

Nothing good ever happens to me. When will it change?"

But, you know…

-Things do change. -Mmm.

And it could be worse. There's a neighbor of mine, Kelvin.

He's 32 and he still lives with his parents.

-I live with my parents. -Cherish them. Really.

Because you will miss them when they're not around.

Both, um… Both of mine are dead.

-Oh. -So, er…

Dad isn't dead. He's in a home.

So as good as. Shot to bits. He was… Oh, God.

Called out the other night, 3 am by the nurses.

He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of Debenhams.

Does that look into his room?

The back of the roof looks directly into his room, yeah.

Good spot. It's a good spot.

That's where I'd be if I had to take someone out that lived there.

And I had to go up to the room with him, and go,

"Look, Dad, there's no Japanese sniper."

-So, who was it? Who was up there? No one was there.

It was his imagination. There was no one there.

Lucky. That's lucky.

'Cause if there was a sniper up there, you wouldn't see him.

You'd be like, "Oh. Oh. No one there."

Anyway, he is a vegetable now.

And that's something we've all got to look forward to, so…

Happy birthday.

See you later.

Wotcha.

Shall we get him over here?

Tim? Got you a pressie.

-Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. -Happy birthday, mate.

Thanks very much, Lee. You're a good man.

This is exciting.

This is big. Big and exciting.

It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock. God!

-You can sit on that if you like. -Yay.

It's not just from me, mate, it's from Dawn as well

God! You haven't got one already, have you?

Um, no. You can never have too many, anyway.

And you do prefer it to the money?

Yeah. I'd have only spent it on a huge inflatable cock.

-That is… -

All right. Stop playing with it! Did you get him that?

Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that.

Let's have a little… Doink, doink!

Ex-sperminate!

Oh, no, no.

"Hello, Austin Powers. I'm the naked Mini Me."

I've got one. Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town!

Dickhead.

Ringo Starr. Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Don't grab it unless you've got one ready because it slows it down.

Oh, that is brilliant.

-Happy birthday. -Thank you.

Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel.

-I say that sometimes. -I heard you say it the other day

and I thought, "He's using one of my catchphrases."

I don't mind influencing a young comedian.

You're not a comedian.

But, I usually credit somebody if I use their comedy.

-What ones of yours do I use? -"Same shit, different day."

That's mine. "Ex-squeeze me," instead of "excuse me."

-Oh, "wank you very much." -Yeah. I invented that one.

Say that to a waiter or something. Wank you very much!

And here's one. Witnesses that I started this one.

If someone's unlucky, you go, "I'm not saying he's unlucky,

"but if he fell into a barrel full of tits,"

he'd come up sucking his own thumb." Bit naughty.

Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs.

Do ya?

Got you!

They're cracking up.

Oh, God.

Yeah. There are limits to my comedy

There are things I will never laugh at.

Um…the handicapped.

Because there's nothing funny about them.

Or any deformity.

Yeah? Um…

It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go,

"Oh, look at him. He's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced."

Yeah?

Well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded.

Unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

So just give generously to all of them.

Guys? Don't forget to say happy birthday to Tim today.

And, also, we'll be going out for drinks later this evening.

-What time? -Not tonight.

-Why? -Quiz.

Well, we can go out before. When does it start?

-Seven. Always. -Okay. Drinks at 6:00, then.

-Did you get him a gift? -No. But it starts at 7:00.

I know. Well, okay. Drinks at 6:00.

-Shall I get him a card from you? -Whatever.

Finch is coming down, so got to be ready to go at 7:00.

-Drinks at 6:00. -But starts at 7:00.

Drinks at 6:00.

Studying? Quiz. Are you a team again?

-Just three of you, is it? -Yeah.

-Are you excited? First big quiz? -Looking forward to it.

It's not the first, though.

I, er, was on Blockbusters.

-What, on the telly? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -Uh-huh.

Were you one of the two, or by yourself?

If there's two of you, it's cheating.

-Yeah. Just one. -Just one.

Did you win anything or…

Yeah. Two Gold Runs. Camping equipment, Walkman.

-I usually get five, to be honest. -Five Gold Runs?

But you know you have to answer loads of questions before…

-Yeah, I do. -You get them all?

Give me one of the ones you had. Fingers on the buzzers.

Um… Okay.

Right. Which Y was… Which Y had a hit single with "The Only Way Is Up"

-and sang with Plastic Population? -Yazoo!

-Yazz. -Yep.

-You said Yazoo, which… -I know.

What's your cut-off point, though? Yazz.

But you said Yazoo first.

You would've got it wrong on Blockbusters.

I wouldn't have said it on Blockbusters.

You'd have been all right, then.

I'll give you one. A proper one. Um…

-Do you want a hand? -No, no.

-Are you getting it? -Yeah. A tiny bit loud.

-Sorry. -Can I have this when you've finished?

-Yeah, you can have it. -When will you be finished?

I don't know. Maybe we could share it.

-Okay. I'll just have it on weekends! -Okay.

-Is this going to take… -No, it was going to be what D

and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky.

-I couldn't think of the question. -All right. Okay. Well..

What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel Crime and Punishment?

-Would you have got that? -I'd have had a guess.

You don't get prizes for guessing.

Unlucky. See you later.