Ironside

In this issue, part one, Lady of the Evening reveals she spent many long,

lonely nights with Chief Ironside of the San Francisco Police Department.

You really don't remember me, do you?

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil.

I just signed for a package that a messenger brought me.

It was a bomb.

Are you still going to stay with her after what she said about you?

She pays, I stay.

Mark.

Yeah, Chief?

I think we've got a bomb up here.

I think we've got a bomb up here.

I think we've got a bomb up here.

Oh, please forgive me.

What are you talking about?

I know you can.

Look, I forgive you, madam.

Now, please forgive me.

I'm trying to get some sleep.

Oh, please, please forgive me.

I know you can.

Good morning, Linda.

Oh, good morning, Chief.

Good morning, Ed.

Um, Chief Ironside and Detective Brown are here, Commissioner.

Won't you go right in, Chief?

The Commissioner's waiting just for you.

Are you Bob, Ed?

Yes, Commissioner.

They say that one picture says a thousand words, and I doubt.

In this issue, part one, Lady of the Evening reveals she spent many long,

lonely nights with Chief Ironside of the San Francisco Police Department.

Be sure and buy our next issue in two weeks.

Read part two.

We promise to answer the who and what.

What friend did Chief Ironside watch die and did nothing to help?

And who is the missing actor of the San Francisco Police Department?

Hasn't bothered to look for because they don't even know he has disappeared.

Shame, shame, San Francisco Police.

Bob, we're not interested in your personal life, but we are interested in finding out

if an actor has disappeared and if he has under what circumstances.

And I want to know before the next edition of this magazine hits the stands,

I will not have my department ridiculed by this inconsequential rag.

Inconsequential?

Whatever you call it.

Robert, this is your baby.

Or should I say your lady?

Please, please forgive me.

Dive.

That's all it is.

A bit come online on the cover and inside a four-column spread of air.

But man, they make it sound like you were whispering it all to some deep-breathing mama in the throes of passion.

Does that bug you?

Since they never say you're in the company of a woman, they slip quietly off the libel hook.

Legal distortion.

It's lead line for the next issue about you watching some friend die.

That's true.

Now you are driving me.

The magazine made a factual statement.

It's neither slanted nor misstated.

Odd that someone should know.

I never told that incident to a living soul.

I know it's a raunchy thing to ask a friend, but this is Larry Yates.

We grew up together, swiped our first bag of gum together, had our first double date.

Bob, you're the only friend I got in the world, and we gotta have one friend out there watching.

Just one friend.

Or I won't make it.

Please.

For God's sake, please.

Come on, Bob.

Just this once?

I won't ask again.

Okay.

Sure.

Sure thing.

Just this once.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me.

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Thou shalt prepare a table before me, against those that trouble me.

Thou hast anointed my head with oil, and my cup.

Look, Chief, there's got to be some sort of explanation.

Adding more won't change the truth.

All right, then, and the woman?

Blonde brunette.

I don't know.

Although she knows enough about my past that I feel I should know her.

Have a shot or go around the block.

Have a shot of what?

The offices of Bare Truth Magazine.

That's all right.

Let me off at the corner.

Don't you want us to... Right.

We can take a hit.

Thank you.

My name is Ironside.

I have an appointment with Mr. Smith.

That's Ms. Smith, if you don't mind.

I don't mind.

And if you'll do me another favor and omit the cliches of what is a nice girl like you doing in a business...

I promise not to call you a nice girl.

I am well aware of why you're here.

I will give you credit for some degree of common sense.

You haven't said libel yet.

I haven't.

Yet.

But then I haven't had a chance to say much of anything.

Yet.

I hope you're cognizant of the fact that I am not a novice.

I know my business and... And you do not disclose your sources of information.

Right.

If you think you got stung in this issue, just wait till you see the next one.

We have detailed your life from A to Z.

Z, that's for Zolar, your Teddy bear.

Yes.

I had a Teddy bear named Zolar.

You know, I'm flattered by all this attention, and I am curious as to how you

found out these things about my personal life.

But I can't help feeling that there are others much more worthy of your consideration.

Oh, there are.

The whole San Francisco Police Department, for example.

Oh, yes.

Famous actor who allegedly disappeared.

Not just allegedly, Chief Ironside.

In fact.

I'd like to let you read the galleys of the next issue, but

I think it's high time that the department did its own work.

The police department does its own work, and it even makes a mistake now and then.

But it doesn't deserve to be held up to ridicule by... It does if it makes ridiculous mistakes.

All I do is print them.

I am in the business of selling magazines.

What a pity, Ms. Smith, that you're not in that business anymore.

Come on.

Well, it looks like a magazine, but it smells like weak old garbage.

In this stack, we have ads on how to develop whatever you have that's underdeveloped.

This stack tells you how to take off what's overdeveloped.

And here are embarrassing moments in the lives of well-known people, including yourself.

Lots of sauce, not much meat.

Here's some meat.

M.J.

Smith's first Teddy bear was named Woo-Woo.

So, the lady has a chink in her arm.

All right, thank you.

We found out who our missing actor is, Grant Richards.

According to gossip columns, he was, and I quote, a hot property about five years ago.

Since then, his career has been sliding rapidly downhill.

He's reported to be living twice as fast as his fame is declining, end of quote.

Married?

To a very wealthy older woman.

Whereabouts unknown?

Both of them.

I would like you and Fran to find out where Richards lives and check it out.

Mark, you stay here and do a follow-up.

We need to know the name of the person that wrote those articles.

And since M.J.

Smith holds the key to that information, I'm going to try a new approach.

You're going to be pleasant?

Better than that, I'm going to be good.

You're going to make a lot.

I always wanted my magazine to be a blast.

I guess I got my wish.

But that's not how I wanted it.

I think you ought to sit down.

I didn't realize that anybody took the magazine so seriously.

After you read past the first cover, it's supposed to be a diversion.

Some publicity for a personality whose career needed boosting.

Or to cut him down to size.

I know it's difficult for you right now, but while the details are still fresh in your mind.

...

There's not really very much to tell.

I just signed for a package that a messenger brought me.

My office phone was ringing.

I ran to answer it.

I inadvertently handed it to a boy to open.

It was a bomb.

They say that he may lose his hands.

Why the visit?

You know, they say you can never find a cop when you really need one.

I don't think you need a cop.

I think you need a drink.

This.

Is obviously yours.

To, uh...

Us?

I need your help.

I've got to know who did this horrible thing.

If I'm in any way responsible for what happened to that boy.

Come on, now.

You know what they say about too many tears?

Yes.

That you're crying for yourself.

But sometimes the hurt goes so deep.

Sure it does.

I'm sorry.

Of course you know.

Whatever you may think of my magazine, attempted murder is not part of the job.

It doesn't take much of an intellect to realize that there's much more to it.

There's much more involved here than a few insinuating stories in a flashy magazine.

I want to know why.

Maybe she can answer some of your questions.

Is this your lady of the night?