Tip Toe

What have you done?

Monster!

You monster!

You little...

Oh, the fuck...

- Aye, aye. - Sorry, I know. I've locked myself out.

I was just putting something in the bin, and then, click.

So, what do you want? A ladder?

No. I don't think I've got any windows open.

I just need to phone my friend Stephanie.

Remember her? My best mate? She's got a spare key.

I mean, I've got a spare key, but guess where it is.

In the house.

Fat lot of good that is.

Yeah, look, you'd better get in, hadn't you?

Sorry, George. Got locked out.

Feel a bit stupid.

- How are you doing? How's school? - It's college now.

College! Good, well done.

There you are.

No, but I don't know her number.

I mean, who knows numbers anymore?

But I remember she did that charity thing with Marie

you know, remember, the kids' breakfast thing

so I thought she might have it.

Marie's in work.

I know. So, could you...

Clive? I'm busy. What is it?

Yeah, I've got Leo from next door standing here

in his pants.

Yeah, he's locked himself out.

You know why that is, don't you?

Because Bridget was on WhatsApp two minutes ago.

I'm trying to do my job, but it's ping... ping.

All about him from next door.

Because do you know what she said?

Guess what she saw. Bridget.

Is that right?

What do you mean, running?

Running out of the house? Who was?

And then what happened?

Leo was running?

Yeah, no, he said you've got his friend's number.

That Stephanie.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one, yeah.

Yeah, no, but she's got the key, so just text it to me.

Bridget, opposite...

she says there was a man came running out of your house

and then you came running after him, but he ran off

so that's how you got locked out.

Right.

Him.

- Morning. - Hi.

That was quite a night.

I've never tried "gooning" before.

Not as a couple.

- Can I get you a coffee, or... - Yeah.

Black. Thanks.

- Eddie. - Leo?

That's the one.

I'd offer you some toast, but I don't have anything in.

I wasn't expecting anyone overnight. Kind of surprised me.

Not that I'm complaining.

Don't you dare!

Little...

That was my friend, Eddie.

And he was staying with me.

And he went, I waved him goodbye

and that's when I took out the paper, stuff, things for the bin.

Oh, well...

Stephanie.

I know, but I'm in my pants and I have to open up at work.

I know you're busy, I'm sorry, but...

Hold on.

Fuck you doing?

I got... I got locked out.

You weirdo.

Steph, Steph, I'll take us away at Christmas

I swear, I'll pay, just get me out of here.

Right, good. She has a key.

Saul, I don't think you should be naked in front of Mr. Struthers.

- Don't bother me. - Yeah, well it bothers me

so go and get some clothes on, eh?

- Way-yy-o. - Hey.

That's enough.

I apologise for my son.

Thanks.

Stephanie will be around about 20 minutes.

She's wrapping something up at work, and then she's coming over.

Just put the keys in an Uber.

She thinks they're all anti-union, she won't touch them, so...

- All right if I just wait here? - No.

Okay, it's just for 20 minutes.

Yeah, no, I need to get to work in a bit.

I could just sit and watch TV.

- George, what time are you at college? - Eleven.

Yeah, you can't sit here with him.

Why not?

He's 16.

Hey.

God.

Where'd you get the jacket?

Oh, Clive next door, and he was not happy, let me tell you.

His wife was always angry.

I'm surprised they're still together after what happened.

It was a hook-up called Eddie. He nicked my laptop and ran off.

I ran after him and got locked out.

- I'm disgraceful. - You're lucky.

Could've been a lot worse.

I mean, you're 60 next year. God's sake.

I'm allowed to have fun.

What, like this? Really?

He's not coming back, Steph.

Did you see on Instagram? Curtis in Italy, with her.

So, why were you surprised?

What happened next door with Clive Goss

Goss the Boss?

He slept with someone else.

Did he?

On holiday, in a caravan park.

I mean, imagine.

I mean, what else is there to do but fuck around?

If you think about it

they've got a son who's, what, 25?

- But the other one's only 15. - Sixteen.

So, that age gap means marriage in crisis.

Having another child never fixes anything.

- You eat too much cheese. - Well, not anymore.

How's work?

It's insane.

Thanks to you lot.

What does that mean?

Well, it's all your fault, isn't it?

What is?

We got this kid in care now. He arrived in Britain in December

but he's on that scheme, so there's no records.

Says he's 14.

Is he fuck 14.

He's got a moustache. He's got a beard.

He's 21, at least. But he says he's 14, so 14 it is.

And he is in there with the kids, and he's taking the boys out drinking.

Don't tell me there's no drugs. There are drugs.

But it's the way he looks at the girls.

And he's always outside the bathroom, every time a girl has a shower

standing there, grinning.

But that's just the beginning

'cause this boy, this man, is on top of the list to be fostered

which means I have to process that application.

And these foster families, they've got daughters.

But what do I tell them? I can't warn them. I'm not allowed.

'Cause he says he's 14, and therefore it's a fact.

So, what can I do? Nothing.

And how is this my fault?

He self-identifies, which you lot invented.

Thanks very much.

Hey, how you doing?

Susette, love of my life. It would never work.

Thank God.

- Hey you. - Hiya.

Morning.

What time do you call this?

Judy had to open up, boss. I was waiting outside.

Hello, Zee.

- Morning, everybody! - Morning, boss.

So, I finished here last night, was gonna go straight home

then I thought, "Oh, quick little snifter at Monroe's."

Met a man called Eddie.

Tall, thin, hot.

Chat... chat. Ninety minutes later, took him home.

- You didn't. - I did. Wild sex. I will draw a veil.

Then this morning we get up, go downstairs

he grabs my laptop, and runs into the street.

I run after him, the door closes behind me

I'm locked out of my own house, stark naked!

- No way! - Yeah!

Stark bollock naked in the street!

All I could do was steal a garden gnome from next door to hide my privates.

I swear to God

I'm in the middle of the street, my arse hanging out

and a garden gnome hiding my Kemi Badenochs.

Wait, there's more, there's more.

So, I go next door

there's the neighbour's son, fresh out of the shower, dripping.

Twenty-five years old, pink, wet, topless.

Well, I tell you, all of a sudden, that garden gnome had a fishing rod.

What a start to the day. I thank you.

- Hanna, what happened yesterday? - I had a headache.

Well, that is what the sick line is for.

You don't ask Tania to pass on a message

you phone the sick line, because I've always got it.

If I don't have it, Judy's got it

and we need to know properly so we can get cover.

- Understood? - Yeah.

- Good. What? - This is Frederic. He's been waiting.

You were supposed to interview him at half past.

Oh, right. Right.

First customer of the day.

- Morning, Melba. - The usual.

Louise, can you sort out the dame?

- Thank you. - I'm on it.