Definitely, Maybe

Can I get you to sign right here, please?

Okay. Here you go.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Hi, will. Package for you.

I don't think anyone ever imagines on their wedding day

they'll be part of the 46% that doesn't live happily ever after.

Will?

Just heard we got the quaker oats account.

Way to go. You must be completely psyched.

Then again,

I never thought I'd spend my days,

weeks and years working in an advertising agency

trying to figure out how to get kids to eat cap'n crunch instead of Froot Loops.

But Tuesdays and Fridays are my favorite days.

I get out of work early, and I go pick up my daughter, Maya, from school.

Now, it's a great feeling when you find the right track to go with the day.

And today, I have found the absolute perfect song.

Bitches, they can kiss my...

The other perfect song.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

But sometimes, no matter how carefully you plan your playlist,

there is no right track for what awaits you.

- Come on, come on! - Hey, what's going on?

Will, did you know there was gonna be a sex ed class today?

Aren't they kind of young?

- Yeah! It was a total disaster. - At least it got them reading.

There's a book!

"The 250 million sperm are ejaculated

"and begin their treacherous journey towards the fallopian tubes!

"One hundred million are wiped out instantly..."

I'm gonna find Maya.

Do you still have sex with daddy?

- What are you talking about? - Do you?

- You know, we will go home and talk... - You do, don't you?

- We will go home and talk about this. - I hate you, I hate you!

Stop pulling on me! I am trying to get to the bottom of something!

We need to talk.

Which is when the man removes his penis from his pajamas

and thrusts it into a woman's vagina...

Okay, but Mrs. Gallagher didn't actually say "thrust."

Yeah.

But what I don't understand,

Sammy boigon's sister said he was an accident.

I mean, how do you accidentally thrust a penis into... hi, Luis.

- Hey. - How do you accidentally...

Stop saying "penis" and "thrust." Just say "tinkle part" or "wee-wee."

Something cute.

- Explain how Sammy was an accident. - That's complicated.

- Penis! Penis. - Okay. All right, that's enough.

Okay, they...

It's not like his dad slipped on a banana peel.

The accident was that Sammy's mom got pregnant.

If they didn't want a baby, then how come they had sex?

That's a very good question.

I guess you could say that they were rehearsing.

- Was I an accident? - No.

- I was, wasn't I? - No.

You were completely and totally on purpose. I knew exactly what I was getting into.

I think you should tell me the story of you and my mom.

Why do you keep saying "my mom" like I've never met her?

Well, because now that you're getting divorced,

she's mine, not yours.

- Is that so? - Tell me how it happened.

And the real story, not the, "oh, we met, we fell in love,

"and we decided to take all that love

"and make a family, and that's how we made you."

You know something? I'm gonna tell you the real, true story

of how me and your mother met.

- When I'm old enough. - Yep.

- Look. I know love isn't a fairytale. - Really?

Really.

Did you have another girlfriend before you met her?

Come on, tell me the truth.

I had two serious girlfriends.

And then some other, a smattering of other women that I dated.

You know.

What?

What's the boy word for slut?

They still haven't come up with one yet, but I'm sure they're working on it.

You a vegetarian this week or not?

- Yeah, I am. - Great.

I'm guessing you weren't her first boyfriend.

Maybe it was some nerdy guy, or maybe he was mean.

Or maybe

you were friends for the longest time,

and then just when you were about to put your penis

into somebody else's vagina...

Okay. Good night, Maya.

...you realized mom was the only one for you!

Bedtime!

You still have to tell me the story of why you fell in love with her.

I fell in love with her because she was smart and beautiful and fun.

So now she's stupid and ugly and boring?

- Of course not. - Then what's the problem?

- It's complicated, Maya. - Everything with you is so complicated.

I bet that if you just told me the story, you'd realize that it's not complicated at all.

That you just love her.

I know this is tough for you, but what are you thinking?

That I'm gonna tell you this story and it's gonna make everything better?

It doesn't work that way.

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. Tell me and we'll find out.

No. Game over. It's time for bed.

No, it's not time for bed! It's time for you to tell me the story!

- Maya. - I need to know!

I need to know.

Fine! Fine!

I'm gonna tell you the story,

- but I'm not telling you who your mom is. - Fine.

You're just gonna have to figure it out for yourself.

- Good. - And I'm changing all the names

and some of the facts, but I just decided that right now.

- And then we'll see how smart you are. - I like it. It's like a love story/mystery.

- Great. Sounds good. You ready? - No.

No.

- Take your time. - I will.

- I know you will. - You go here.

- Princess pillow? - Thank you.

- You bet. - Okay.

I'm ready.

Once upon a time,

before e-mails and cell phones and reality television shows,

in 1992 to be exact, in a little town called Madison, Wisconsin,

there lived a young man named William Hayes.

- Hey, will, man, happy new year. - Hey, yeah, you, too.

Now, this young man was deeply, deeply in love with his college sweetheart.

- Let's call her... - Emily! - Emily!

Emily!

Hey.

Ten, nine, eight...

Hey, guess who's gonna be the luckiest guy on planet earth in about four seconds?

You.

...two, one!

Happy new year!

They were a perfect couple.

Except to really understand how this young man

ended up marrying your mother, you'll also need to know

that he had a very big, incredibly embarrassing dream.

All rise

for the president of the United States of America,

William

Matthew

Hayes.

You wanted to be president?

I'm just, I don't understand why you have to work for Clinton in New York.

Why can't you just work for him in Madison?

Well, because they don't need me here. They need me in New York.

They need him, em. Will's the man. I can't believe you're letting him go.

I mean, don't you know about New York girls?

Besides being incredibly hot, they have no problem with casual sex,

which by the way, I totally respect.

- What if Charlie's right? - Charlie's never right.

- He's functionally retarded. - I am worried New York's gonna change you.

- Change can be good. - If we change together.

So, we'll change together.

Okay? It's two months in New York. I'll be back before you know it.

Besides, we have a plan, right?

The other thing I can't believe is that you'd risk leaving Emily here with me,

'cause I gotta tell you, I've always had a thing for you...

And I have absolutely no scruples.

Wait! I almost forgot. You have to give this to summer.

She's the only girl I know in New York.

- I want you to meet her. - Summer hartley?

- Yes. Yes. - That's her name?

She was on my exchange program at Cambridge,

and all the guys wanted to sleep with her, and you probably will, too.

Maybe you should mail it to her.

- That might be a better idea. - No.

What is it?

Something I should have sent her a long time ago.

I love you, William Hayes.

Okay. Go, go, go. Go be your brilliant self.

Emily sounds like she would make a good mom.

- I just don't know if she's my mom. - Why not?

Everyone knows that the girlfriend

in the beginning of the story always gets dumped.

Which means maybe summer hartley is my mother.

I'll never forget that day.

There I was, arriving in the city I always dreamed about

to work on a campaign that I believed in with all of my heart.

And on top of that, I was positive that in just a few hours,

the campaign manager would realize how brilliant I was.

And then I'd be writing speeches,

and then I'd be coming up with strategy, and before long...

Will Hayes?

- Hey. Gareth Henderson. - You're gareth.

- Hey, how are you? - Nice to meet you. We're walking, Hayes.

I brought my c.V. And a sample of some speeches I wrote for congressman sweeney.

Fantastic. I cannot wait to peruse these in my abundant spare time.

In the meantime, here's a sample of the coffee and bagel order

I'll need filled immediately.

Wait!

You want me to get coffee?

At some point in our lives, we all get coffee. Your time's now. Come on.

We're still walking, Hayes.

Have the coffee here by 10:00, or Arthur's gonna kill me!

That means I'm gonna have to kill you. I've killed before, Hayes.

- You should know that. - What is this?

That is a cellular telephone

so I can get a hold of you wherever, whenever, for whatever.