Blended

Yes. Uh-huh.

I'm not kidding.

That's where this "class act" brought me.

Yeah, you heard me. Hooters.

This is the first date I've been on since the divorce...

...and the guy brings me to a Hooters.

Is Tyler asleep?

Oh, yeah! Whoo!

- Not all the way. - What's he doing?

This T-shirt's on fire!

Why is he singing that?

Must save planet Earth.

No, It's all good.

- It's out. - What's out?

Oh, God, I'm coming home.

Intruder alert.

Yeah, maybe that's not actually a bad idea.

Okay, here's the plan, You're gonna call me in 10 minutes...

...so that I can tell this dope I have an emergency.

Can you give me my bath now?

Make it five minutes.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY ON SPEAKERS)

Got you, uh, Buffalo shrimp with the sauce on the side.

They'll do that for me here. I didn't know how you took it so...

You realize that you're not actually looking at my face right now.

Very tight game going on there. I don't wanna miss it.

You gotta really swing the ax hard to get those, uh, hits in deep.

- Hi, Jim. Hey, Jim.

Hey, Jim.

Cheese sticks in the shape of a heart.

From me, Bunny, Bethany and Britney.

Thank you, Bubbles. That's very nice.

- Have fun. - See you.

All right.

Hey, I noticed that you made eye contact with Boobies...

...but I'm not sure it was her eyes you were looking at.

So you organize closets for a living.

Yes.

Is it hard to find people who can't organize their own closets? How does that work?

Well, it's not that they can't do it for themselves.

It's that they don't have the time or they don't do it efficiently.

Did you start with organizing glove compartments...

...and just work your way up from there or...?

Listen, I'm sorry. I know this is not going well. I, heh...

I haven't been on a date in 20 years.

I haven't been on a date since senior year.

You get married in college?

- Yep. - Me too.

- Really? - Yes.

Is this not the weirdest feeling in the world right now?

Like Weird Al starring in Weird Science.

Yes. I like that. You just came up with that?

Yes.

Very good.

You know, I think I will have one of these Buffalo shrimp.

And I'll have it with the sauce.

Excellent.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

- It's hot. - Oh, my God. Who makes sauce this hot?

I just...

Did you drink my beer?

No. No, no. I think you did.

Boobies! Buddy! Britney!

- Can you get me some water? - Here. Have some French onion soup.

You know, I'm curious.

With so many possible reasons...

...which one's the one your wife left you for?

Cancer.

I'm sorry. I...

...naturally just assumed you were divorced.

It's okay.

I naturally assumed your husband shot himself.

So we're even.

I gotta take this.

Hello.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down!

An avalanche in our backyard?

I'll be home right away.

It's an emergency. I'm sorry.

Twenty dollars should cover my half.

He used the emergency excuse on you?

Like he's the one that had to escape.

- Like I'm so horrible. - Huh.

Well, everybody has a bad blind-date story and this loser is yours.

Who set you up?

One of the mothers in Tyler's class.

Every time I see her she tells me about her "friend Jim."

And, "Oh, I just have to meet Jim."

Well, she's a liar and an idiot.

You should roofie her and shave her head.

Dick? Hi.

- No, I can talk. I'm just at work. - Great.

Ha, ha. I know. I'm so sore.

I L word you too.

Okay. Talk to you later. Bye.

Did you just use the L word with Dick?

We said it last night.

Jen! That's great! Why didn't you tell me?

Well, you know. You finally went on a date and it was so awful.

I didn't want to make you feel lonelier than you probably already feel.

I'm fine, actually. And I'm not lonely.

I have two wonderful men in my life,

Brendan and Tyler.

Brendan needs a girlfriend and Tyler needs Ritalin.

You're suggesting sex and drugs as a remedy for my children's behavior.

Aah. Oh, my God. This is the dress I've been wanting forever.

Ooh.

What? No.

- Who has that kind of money? - Dick.

Try this on. This is a total MILF dress.

We don't try on the clients' clothes. It's one of our selling points.

"We won't wear your underwear while we're organizing your closets."

I'm just saying.

Back to work.

I think right at the bottom of this rack, we could fit some more shoes and storage...

Jen!

Kanye, come and change the baby.

North is wet and I don't wanna drop her on camera again.

Okay. Take it off.

No! Look, this whole rack still has the price tags on.

Technically, she hasn't taken ownership yet. And besides, she's at the tennis club.

Now, try this on.

This dress can change a woman from the kind a man cheats on...

...to the kind a man cheats with.

I'm gonna go pee.

Expensive. Expensive.

Ooh, most expensive.

Wow. I didn't know you were gonna look that good in it.

Oh, honey, what's wrong?

I should have tried harder.

I should have dressed sexier.

You didn't do anything wrong. Mark is a pig.

But the kids don't know that.

Agh. They just...

They want us to get back together.

And I don't know how to explain it to them.

Well, it's time for them to learn that their dad is a big pile of crap.

I get so depressed I need to wear high, sexy heels.

- Stop jogging. - It helps.

It's freaking me out.

Look at me. I'm ridiculous.

Come here. Come here.

- Jen's got you. - Now I see why they call you "Closet Queens."

- Instagram. - Facebook.

- Yes! - Yes!

It was awful, man. There was no connection at all.

I was so happy when you came up with the avalanche thing.

- That saved my life. - Ha-ha-ha.

And the way she dressed was like an assistant principal or something.

I felt like I was in detention.

- I got a girl for you. - Yeah?

Blond lady. From my belly-dancing class.

A little bit on the plus size.

But when she gets to moving, all that flapping can make it happen.

- No good. - That big girl would hit that Hooters...

...like a hurricane. Agh! Chicken. Steak. Fries. And a Diet Coke.

All right! Gotcha! - Ha-ha-ha.

I'm out, man. No more dating for me.

It's time and money I should be spending with my kids.

Look who it is.

Hey, Larry!

My all-star! Give me some.

It's Hilary, Dad, which is bad enough.

You gonna leave me hanging?

Boom. Guess what?

The new Kodiak tents just arrived.

In time for spring break.

We're going camping in our back yard again this year?

Why? You too old for that?

No. It's just some kids in my class are going to Florida...

...or to Colorado or even Switzerland.

You got a lot of rich kids in your school.

- We don't got that kind of money. - I know. It'd just be nice to go someplace.

You know where you could take her that's cheap?

My belly-dancing class.

Oh. Put that away. Seriously.

Excuse me, sir? I'm here to pick up my basketball uniform.

Did you just call me "sir"?

- Yeah. - I'm a girl.

That's one fugly girl.

Hey, man, that's his daughter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - MM.

Hey, honey, how's the math homework coming?

Are any of the tutor's shortcuts helping?

Did you go on a date?

A date? Who told you I went on a date?

You should really change your e-mail password, little Miss 072099.

That is the last time I use your birthday as a password.

I can't believe you read my e-mails.

Brendan, I love you...

...but we have to learn to respect each other's privacy in this house.

Who's Jim?

Nobody, honey. A buffoon.

Trust me. It was nothing.

- You promise? - Promise.

Hey! No wheels in the house!

- I've told you this! - Aah!

Tackle him, Mom! Get him!