The Sandman

Johanna!

Astra. I came as soon as I got your text. What is it? What's happened?

We have to go. We have to get out of here now!

We will. Tell me what's happened.

He said it was an accident, like when Mum died.

Where is he?

Oi. Logue.

Hello, Johanna.

What the fuck did you do?

We was just havin' a bit of fun.

"Bit of fun"?

Summoning demons for fun?

- Who's "we"? Where are the others? - Must still be inside.

- Inside the club? - You don't wanna go in there.

No. No, I bloody don't.

But someone has to clean up your shit.

I'll come with ya.

Believe it or not, love, it's safer in here, with your father.

All right, miss. We're here.

Sorry, long day.

Mine's just getting started.

I have a feeling mine is as well.

Johanna Constantine.

Look at you, all done up.

What are you doing here, Hettie?

Same as you, I expect.

He's coming, isn't he?

- Who? - Yeah, well, you know who.

Morpheus.

The Oneiromancer.

You know, the Sandman, he's back.

"The Sandman"?

The one who puts the kids to sleep?

He's a fairy story, Hettie.

He's no fairy story, missy.

He's back, and he wants his sand.

Good to know. I'm off to work.

You'll see. I know.

I'm 280 years old, and I know.

Constantine.

Have we met?

We have business, you and I.

Get in line, bruv.

Can't keep God waiting.

Ric the Vic.

You're here! Thank God.

Not as a favor though. I'm getting paid, or I'm going to bed.

Of course you are getting paid.

This visit is strictly professional.

Unless you, um, wanna get a drink after.

Tell me what's going on. Why have I been summoned?

The usual reason. I have a soul in need.

Who is she?

Hmm?

Does it matter?

If I double your fee?

Triple it?

Her family has means.

If her family is in any way royal, the answer is no.

I'm done with that lot. I told the queen...

The queen doesn't know she's here.

Is it the princess?

She showed up about an hour ago

demanding I that marry them before the palace find out, and the press.

Why, who's she marrying?

- Kevin Brody. - Kevin Brody, the footballer?

- He's rubbish. - He's fit though.

Just because a Goldsmiths-educated princess

wants to marry some naff winger,

- does not mean she needs an exorcist. - It's not just that.

Just have a chat with her, you'll see.

- No, it's too risky with the royals. - But…

If our chat goes wrong, I've a dead princess on my hand,

a demon on the loose, and no one to pay my fee.

- Fuck off! - Jesus fuck.

- What are you doing to me? - Is that her?

Can you not smell the sulfur?

- Where is she? - Thank you. She's in my office.

You're gonna need the Rituale Roman um.

I can't barge in spouting Latin at her.

Has she been restrained, or is that why she sounds like that?

She sounds like that 'cause she's possessed by a fucking demon.

Can we at least drug her first? Get her drunk, tie her up a little bit?

She's British royalty.

They love that shit.

Any other ideas?

Yeah.

Take your top off.

Do you, Princess, take this...

I do.

Wait, babe, are you absolutely sure you wanna do this?

I said "I do" because I do, Kevin.

No, I mean, you sure you don't want a big royal-wedding-of-the-century type wedding?

With the queen and photographers and stuff?

I just want you.

Get on with it, please.

Do you, Kevin, take...

Ow. Yeah, yeah, I do.

Then repeat after me.

Sorry, I've been fasting.

Just in case there were photographers. You know what I'm saying?

- Doesn't matter. - Keep going.

Sorry, can we...

Are you going to be sick? Kevin?

Are you going to be sick during our wedding?

Kevin.

Ric!

You were right about the demon, wrong about the host.

- Fuckin' hell. - Get her out.

My God! Kevin…

Come on, love. Come on.

Come with me.

You… talk too much.

- Tell me your name and I'll stop. - Why would I do that?

When there are far more enjoyable ways to make you stop.

His name is Agilieth.

I'm flattered you remember me,

Lord Morpheus, after all your time away.

Lord Morpheus?

He is.

Though, I confess, I almost didn't recognize you without your helm.

I wonder where your helm could be.

I presume it is in Hell, with the demon to whom it was traded.

Yes, but which demon? Give me the princess and I'll tell you.

Wait.

Fine, fine!

I'll tell you where your helm is, just don't send me back.

Constantine. Stop!

I command you!

- Dream of the Endless commands you! - Stop!

Run along and fuck off back to Hell.

You have no idea what you've done.

I do though.

I've just tripled my fee.

Oi, Ric! Whom do I invoice for this, Church of England or Buckingham Palace?

- Is this a test? Are you testing me? - No.

You're usually so careful not to mention it.

I assumed it was because my doctors told you not to.

So why now? What's happened?

You stole from him.

Nothing's happened. I just...

Do you think I don't know when you're lying?

Look, let's just say that I have it on good authority

that the ruby's owner is coming for it and for the people who stole it from him.

Then he's coming for you.

- You're the one who stole it from him. - And you're the one who stole it from me.

You're the only one who knows where it is.

He is coming, John.

You've been saying that for years.

Yes, but this time, it...

Every time,

every time you moved us to a new town and changed our last name,

wasn't because your boyfriend of the time was beating the shit out of us,

it was because the Sandman was coming...

- I was trying to protect you. - From whom?

The Sandman?

Or from my father?

I told you, John, your father died when you were a baby.

Yes. You've been saying that for years too,

but you lie about everything, lie for a living,

you're Ethel Cripps, Ethel Dee, you're Madame Daudet,

and apparently, I'm a man called John Burgess.

Who told you that?

The one… good thing about being in prison,

you do have plenty of time to read, and according to this,

according to "The History of Ritual Magic in England,"

the ruby once belonged to a rival of Aleister Crowley called Roderick Burgess.

He also kept a mistress

called Ethel Cripps.

My father didn't die when I was a baby, did he?

My father was Roderick Burgess.

Your father was a cunt who wanted me to abort you.

That may be the first honest thing you've ever said to me.

You want me to give you the ruby?

Then you tell me everything.

And this time, you tell me the truth.

Yeah. The duke and duchess are on their way to pick up the princess.

Poor thing.

She did seem possessed.

She was.

Love fucks you up.

Your new man is not unfit.

He's not my man. He's not even a man.

What is he then?

He's Endless.

I said the Sandman, and I meant the bleedin' Sandman.

It's good to have you back, milord.

Don't let her mess you about.

My gran used to tell me stories about you lot.

I've known your family for centuries.

Then you know there's not one of us that can be trusted.

What do you want with me?

Something of mine came into your possession.

A leather pouch filled with sand.

I need it back.

Oh, that was yours?

Bought it at an estate sale. Didn't even manage to get the drawstrings open.

Where is it?

- No idea. Could be anywhere. - We must find it.

Must we? Why is that?