Watson

Most men see me as an extension

of the body part they're interested in.

But not the guy next to me at the bar.

He was seeing the real me.

Kind of like you do.

He could've been you.

Handsome, smart,

eyes you can get lost in.

It's crazy, I was flirting with him,

but I was thinking about you.

Cool story.

Definitely made up, but cool.

Roleplay only works if we both commit.

Sorry.

The longer we do this, the more I can tell

when you're, you know, in character.

Well, you do have nice eyes.

So grumpy.

You're in a mood tonight.

How can I help? I don't know.

Tell me something real about yourself.

Never mind. I know you need boundaries.

I grew up in a rabbit farm in New Mexico.

I know it sounds fake, but I swear it's--

No, I believe you.

That was real.

So do you harvest the rabbits in the fall, or...?

Is it abnormally hot there?

You seem feverish and sweaty.

Think you need to see a doctor.

Smooth.

Why don't you just examine me right now?

I'm actually serious.

I can get you an appointment at UHOP.

I know that you live in Pittsburgh.

I can't help it. You picked up some of the lingo.

Yesterday, you said "gum band."

Anywhere else, you would've said "rubber band."

Porsche, I'm not trying to meet you.

I'm actually...

worried, maybe?

I'll DM you all the details.

You won't need to see me.

Deal?

Once and for all, who is she?

Who is who?

This woman you're seeing.

"Marcia"? Lauren and I have a bet.

My ex and my twin are making wagers about my love life.

Because you give us nothing to go on.

Does she work here?

I say yes. Lauren says no.

You met her playing pickleball.

How does Lauren know I play pickleball? I told her.

My take is, the average pickleball player is over 50.

Lauren's take is, "Yes, and...?"

You guys talking about the girl Stephens is seeing?

My money's on it being a Fight Club situation.

You said you and Lauren have a bet.

We are among the people in the wager.

I never said that the dataset was complete.

Am I right? She your imaginary doppelgänger?

Y'all really love talking about other people's dating lives.

So sorry. Should we talk about your engagement instead?

537.

That is the number of unanswered petitions

from patients seeking treatment at the Holmes Clinic.

Dr. Watson commends you all.

Tell him he's welcome.

Dr. Watson also requests your assistance

in whittling that number down

to a more manageable size.

What's a more manageable size?

You lot will be vital partners

as we launch...

Project Zero.

"Naught," as we might say back in Shoreditch.

That is the number of unanswered requests

that will remain tonight

when the sun sets over the Allegheny.

Does the sun set over a river?

Do not lose yourselves

over questions, piggies.

Lose yourselves in casework.

- That's not a nine-year-old. - That's a full-grown man.

The application says he's nine years old.

My bet is it's precocious puberty.

Refer him to a pediatric endocrinologist

and we're done here.

What if he has an overactive pituitary gland?

Still a job for an endo.

We've got 411 more cases to get through.

Are you gonna weigh in?

Or are you texting your subconscious?

I do not have an imaginary doppelgänger.

At least I'm crediting you with an explanation.

Sasha's betting the whole thing's made-up.

I did not say that.

Not exactly.

You like analog machinery.

Of course. Helps me think.

Is there something I can help you with, Dr. Croft?

A woman presents as febrile and diaphoretic,

but she's unsure of the cause.

She mentions vaping and drinking a red liquid.

Is this someone who wants to come to our clinic?

Someone I know. She won't see a doctor.

You're a doctor, Dr. Croft.

I don't have a...

immediate access to this person.

Well, if I had to guess, I would say

that the red liquid is cranberry juice.

And she's probably treating herself for a UTI.

I thought of that, but cranberry juice

doesn't cure a urinary tract infection.

It barely even prevents it.

Very true, but the internet doesn't know that.

So whatever access you have to this woman,

I would say get her to a doctor right away.

An unchecked UTI can go septic.

Daytime date.

I like it.

I'm not trying to be annoying,

but I'm concerned.

The ED attending says you didn't show.

I get all the medicine I need from you.

Porsche. Please stop.

I wish this was a kink.

You look much sicker today.

Why do you even care so much?

Look, I'm sorry I didn't come in.

It may surprise you to learn that this gig

doesn't come with benefits.

Besides, maybe seeing a client in person isn't--

I told you, you don't have to see me.

Message received, babe.

Concern noted.

You're here now, let's have some fun.

That is not why I logged on.

Hey.

Hey. Stay with me.

What's the address there? I'm sending an ambulance.

Whoa. Take it slow, babe. That's what I'm doing.

Stay with me, Porsche.

I'm with you. I'm just...

Taking it slow...

Hey.

- So, what am I looking at here? - I mean, I think

I can put it together, but...

What exactly am I looking at? So here's the thing.

In a manner of speaking,

I, a man, a man like all others,

there are conditions and processes.

And time.

Do we need to reboot you and put you back online?

I have, um...

a cam girl.

I don't know her real name. I don't know where she lives.

But that is her, right now, and she needs help.

Go ahead.

Go ahead with what?

Mock me. Say that you're not surprised.

Or that you are surprised.

But whatever it's going to be, do it quickly.

Stephens...

you're lonely.

What? And that is nothing to be ashamed about.

We all are. I mean, every single person

who works at this clinic, pretty much everyone you know.

It goes hand in hand with being a sensitive

and intelligent human.

That is not what I was expecting.

Oh, would you be more comfortable

if I made fun of you?

Listen, if you don't have

a sex dungeon in your basement,

you're beating the game as far as I'm concerned.

Everyone needs to connect, Stephens.

This is fine.

We'll locate this woman and we'll help her.

Thank you.

"We"?

I mean, there is a team here, yes?

Oh, I was hoping that you'd, uh...

I don't know, just do some Sherlock Holmes stuff,

look at the screen and tell me where she is.

Oh.

No.

Let's get this over with.

What are we looking at?

You're looking at Stephens's friend.

We don't know her name. We don't know her address.

She might be septic.

A friend, but you don't know her name or her address?

Anyone have their money on Stephens and a cam girl?

Feeling judgmental, Dr. Derian?

Stephens is embarrassed. Obviously, he's embarrassed.

And he brought this patient to us anyway.

Now, if he can do that,

I'm sure you can all tamp down on your urge to giggle.