Jeff, Who Lives at Home

I watched Signs again last night.

It keeps getting better every time I see it.

It's funny.

The first time you watch it, it's hard to understand what it's about.

It just sort of meanders.

And then, everything comes together in this one perfect moment at the end.

And when you watch it a second or a third or a fourth time,

you start to see that all of this randomness

is leading towards a perfect moment.

My favorite character is the little girl.

Everyone thinks she's so strange

because she can't finish a glass of water.

She's convinced they're contaminated.

So, by the end of the film,

there are glasses of water littered around this house.

And then, it's the water that saves them.

And that was fate.

I can't help but wonder about my fate.

About my destiny.

Renewal.

Vitality.

Energy.

Are you tired of feeling sluggish?

Do you feel like life is passing you by?

Then we've got the solution for you.

It's called "The Most Incredible Vitamin In The World"

and there's a reason you're watching this right now.

Just pick up the phone and start the new chapter to your life.

Call now. Not available in stores.

Made in Germany. Beware of imitators. Call 1-800...

Hello?

Yo, Kevin.

No, this is Jeff.

Where Kevin at?

I don't know.

Oh, man, look, don't be fucking around!

Where the fuck is Kevin?

Kevin doesn't live here.

There's always some motherfucker trying to tell me there ain't no Kevin!

Let me put this word in your fucking peanut brain, Kevin! K-E-V-I-N!

Kevin.

What are you doing?

Doing this.

Some strawbs,

hand-sliced.

A white rose of whipped cream. Bam!

Bon appétit.

What's the special occasion?

This is one of those "just because" breakfasts, you know?

It sounds corny, but relationships are like flowers

and flowers need water to bloom.

Consider this sprinkling from a watering can.

Well, thanks.

-That's nice. -You're welcome. Enjoy.

Oh, my gosh. I got some good news, actually.

Yeah?

I got a phone call from Randy.

Is he the guy that we talked to at that barbecue?

Oh, no, that's a different Randy.

-But that guy's name was Randy, right? -Yes.

I liked his wife.

Different Randy.

-We should have them over. -Yeah.

This is Randy at Millennium Porsche.

Can I tell you something?

With no money down, this thing is practically free.

Pat! No!

Whoa, whoa. Don't start with no.

-That's what this is. -Don't start with no.

You're just, like, in this mindset. And you're not even...

It's not a mindset. We don't have the money.

Yeah. That's the mindset I'm talking about.

Honey, look, I'm trying to be really careful,

and I've cut back on some things.

And, like, we promised we were going to get a house this year...

I'm just trying to be a grown-up about this.

Surprise.

We got it.

This is happening.

Look... Everything you just said about the house,

you know, our future,

you're exactly right.

And I'm so lucky to have you

looking out for us in that way.

But I'm looking out for us in another way.

I'm looking out for...

That intangible thing that every coupIe needs.

It's a little bit of magic, and a little bit of danger, frankly.

This is gonna solve a lot of our problems.

This tension right now. As soon as you get in that thing

and you feel the energy

and you feel it rumble

in your gut.

If you don't get turned on, you're made of stone.

Where is it?

It's in the driveway.

Are you... Is this...

Oh, come on. Okay, okay... That's...

Hello?

-Mom? -Jeff.

Hi.

You know, you're supposed to say "hello" when you pick up the phone.

Yeah, I know.

I thought that maybe you were somebody else, but you're not.

What do you do in the basement? You're not cIeaning it.

You really want to know?

You didn't like it last time we had this conversation.

Okay, no. You know what? You're right. I don't.

Did you get the wood glue?

What are you talking about?

I left you a note on the kitchen counter.

I haven't been upstairs.

One of the shutters on the pantry is broken and I need you to fix it.

You know what, I'm kind of busy right now, so...

All I want for my birthday is for you to get your ass off that couch,

and you get on the bus

-and you go to the Home Depot. -I'm not on the couch.

You come home and fix the shutter before I get home,

or you're gonna find someplace else to live.

-Fine. -Fine.

Good. You got it? Do you understand?

Yes, Mom! Okay!

Love you! Goodbye.

Did you hang up on me?

-Oh, thank you. -You're welcome.

Stop the bus. Can you please stop the bus?

Sorry. Thank you.

Can I help you?

Can I help you, sir?

No.

What?

Pass the ball!

Go, go, go!

Shit, you a'ight?

Get your big ass up, man.

You bleeding and shit?

-He out, man. -We need another person.

We need one!

You got next.

Who, him?

He gonna be a ref?

That's all we got. That's all we got.

Let's see what he got.

Let's go, dawg. Get out here.

Oh, he's passing now.

Right there, dawg. What's your problem?

That's your man.

Why don't you pIay some D, man?

Right, right, right.

Hell, no!

You working on this? Come on, man.

Go, go, go, go.

I'm Jeff.

Kevin.

Ke...

Kevin.

Is your name Kevin Kevin?

No.

So, that's your first name on your jersey?

Yeah, that's my name.

Yeah.

Do you live around here?

Yeah, I don't live far from here.

You obviously don't live around here, though.

No, I was just strolling around today.

It was a nice day, so I thought I'd walk around.

Were you following me, or...

No. I mean, no.

I saw you on the bus.

Let me explain.

Have you ever seen the movie Signs?

With Mel Gibson and Rory Culkin, and Abigail Breslin?

Nah, I don't think I have.

I got a phone call this morning.

Someone was asking for Kevin.

But there's no Kevin who lives with me.

It's kind of a common name.

Yeah. I guess that's true.

I mean, you never got a call,

like someone called the wrong house phone?

What if there's no wrong numbers?

Maybe it's aIways the right house phone.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Exactly. No, that's exactly it.

Hey, man, I'm about to go put something in the air real quick.

I don't know if you want to come.

I don't... I'm sorry... I don't know what that means.

Smoke weed?

You want to smoke weed with me?

Yeah, man.

I like weed.

Yeah, I can see that.

Wow.

It's nice in here.

-That's nice. -Yeah.

Oh, shit. That's a treat.

Check his pockets!

Sorry, Jeff.

Marriage is a compromise.

She got what she wanted, I'm living here in Baton Rouge.