Divine Access

I've been accused of being an underachiever.

Hey, I'd rather underachieve than surpass my potential

and remain insignificant.

So, I was raised by my mother,

a self-proclaimed spiritualist.

She did her best to teach me things

like openness and tolerance, and...

I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.

My mind was on other things.

After my father left, my mother yearned for meaning

in her new life,

to fill a hole she never knew existed.

And when I wasn't otherwise distracted,

I guess I soaked up everything she did.

Before long, I knew more about religion

and so-called spirituality than most theologians.

Who knew that all that residual knowledge

would ever have any significance in my life.

You kidding me?

What?

My, uh... my buddy's TV show's on.

I gotta watch it. You... you should see this.

To lift his arms above his head.

God is healing those joints right now.

I see a man.

A man gripped... gripped by the homosexual lifestyle,

but God is... God is stepping in

and taking over, and he...

he is cured of that abomination

at this very moment.

There is a tornado coming... There is a tornado...

What, are you leaving?

It's late. I gotta go.

If I'm not home when John gets there,

he'd kill the both of us.

I thought you two broke up.

I mean, it's better this way.

Absolutely.

You understand. It's not personal.

You had me at "I gotta go."

You don't have to be a dick about it.

Wait, what?

Well, you think you can just fuck me and kick me out?

I'm sorry. Did I miss something?

I'm so stupid. This was a mistake.

Everybody was right about you.

You're an asshole.

"Everybody?"

My name is the Reverend Guy Roy Davis,

and your television is my church.

"Hi, sweetheart.

Did a past-life regression yesterday,

and guess what.

You and I were twins in Atlantis.

Pretty wild, huh?

I have an opportunity to study

with the Brahma Kumaris in Melbourne.

Wish me luck."

Good luck, Mom.

Hi.

You can't pretend you're not home

when I can see you.

You know how that works, right?

Sorry, Bob. Thought it might be you.

If I lived on the water like this,

I would be fishing every day.

Crack of dawn.

- You wanna go fishing? - I do. Do you have any bait?

Go dig around by the edge of the lake.

Grab a bucket or something. I'll be down in a second.

Great. I got something I wanna run by you.

A very special opportunity.

Ah.

Did you watch the show last night?

Yeah. I did.

Pretty sure you've reached an all-time low with that guy.

I'm glad you said that.

Jack, you're charming. Sort of.

And that's what the show needs.

"Sort of charm" Jack Harriman.

Yeah. Okay.

Here we go. What?

I want you on the show.

I want you on the goddamn show.

You want me on the goddamn religion show?

Well, religion, philosophy, whatever you want.

You've seen it all.

Yeah, well, I would, Bob,

but I just remembered I have anything else to do.

It's a panel with a reverend

and maybe a couple of other guys.

I don't wanna see you miss a very special opportunity.

So... you want me to... To debate religion,

philosophy, whatever, with your reverend?

In a word, yes.

All right.

That's awesome. I knew I could count on you.

They should call your lake "no fish,"

because I've never ever caught anything here.

Not even a nibble.

Let's try it over there.

Hmm.

Okay.

Lord Almighty.

Oh, baby. How did you do that?

How did you know that fish was there?

Hey, so I'll see you at 2:00 a.m. tonight.

Don't wear white.

Okay, well, look, it may not look like much,

but within these hallowed walls,

ideas are transmitted to homes

across the entire television cable system.

How many homes?

Well, that depends upon whom you ask.

Gentlemen, change in format today.

This is Jack Harriman,

and he is going to round out the panel.

Oh, good. Fine.

We're gonna have a discussion with the three of you,

and I am going to moderate.

Jack, why don't you head over there

and then they'll mic you up.

Excuse me.

You... you're going to moderate?

I was under the impression

that I was hosting the program.

Yes, you were.

Jack, and you'll sit in the middle,

and then, Pete, if you could be on that end.

And, Reverend, if you could just grab an edge over there.

Hello. I'm Guy Roy Davis.

Yes, you are. Saw your show last night.

Oh. That was God's TV show, sir.

Come here.

- Okay. - No, not yet.

Get a room, you two. 'Cause the hug.

Hey, I'm Peter Davis. No relation to the rev.

But you guys can just call me Pete if you want.

- Hi, Pete. - Yeah.

Okay, I think we're in position here.

Wha... I need to know the new guy's credentials.

No time, Guy Roy.

Are we ready to go here?

Yeah? Let's light this candle.

Welcome to Divine Access. I couldn't be more pleased.

I'd like to welcome my guests today.

Guy Roy Davis, Jack Harriman,

and Peter Davis.

Hey, uh, and Davis, no relation to the rev.

And you can just call me Pete.

Listen, Peter, I'm sure our viewers

have noticed that you're wearing

a funny little hat upon your head there.

Would you like to tell us about it?

Oh, I'd love to, but it's not a hat.

It is a pyramid,

and I wear it because all throughout time...

Like, look at the ancient Egyptians.

They understood very clearly,

if you take food

and you put it under a pyramid,

the food doesn't spoil.

Or if you take a dull knife

and you put it under a pyramid,

it becomes sharp again.

- That's amazing. - Yeah.

And it's the same way with your thought process.

The pyramid focuses your thoughts.

So, I like to say that the pyramid

is like, uh, glasses for your third eye.

Or, like... I guess, like, a monocle for your third eye.

That's amazing.

You talked that long and said absolutely nothing.

It's preposterous.

Okay, so we have some differences

of opinions here.

Jack, what is your take

on Pyramid Pete's theory?

I think it's awesome.

Thank you.

I haven't heard anything about pyramids in years,

but I'm, uh, I'm behind that 100%.

Oh, please.

Reverend Davis, you seem to have a problem

with what Pyramid Pete is saying.

Yes, I do.

I think that anyone

who is looking for clarity of thought

should look no further

than a more ancient source than the Egyptians,

and I refer to the Old Testament,

the word of God.

Well, the way I see it, Reverend,

is that Jesus Christ was a... Was a rebel.

He was a badass, right?

I'm a big fan of Jesus.

Jesus, Abraham, the Buddha, all the heavies.

And I think that Pete's a pretty good guy, too.

Hey, thanks.

And I just wanna say,