Peep Show

I'm not sick but I'm not well

...And I'm so hot

Cos I'm in he-ell...

So I think I'm definitely going to propose to Sophie.

Propose?! To Sophie?!

Oh, my God, this is massive!

'How does it affect me?

'Shit, I can't manage on my own. He knows what lottery numbers we do.

'I'll have to do lucky dips. I'm never going to win.'

I mean, but why? I didn't think things were going all that well?

Exactly. She's in Bristol, we hardly ever see each other,

and when we do, we argue.

She's slipping through my fingers.

So therefore you must get married?

I need to make a statement.

You aiming for the bull's-eye?

Course I am. It's the best thing on the board.

- No, it isn't! - Look at it.

It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle.

Course it's the best thing on the board.

I'm going to take her to a four-star hotel in Somerset,

the Quantocks, and ask her to marry me.

- Now's the time, I must strike soon. - Why?

Not because the hotel mega-deal vouchers from the Sunday Times

expire at the end of the month.

Another mega-deal will come along in some national newspaper eventually.

Mr Patel saves me the vouchers. I've got enough for

two rooms, so if it all goes pear-shaped...

- You've got enough for two rooms? - No!

Come on, Mark, I could take Big Suze, break the logjam.

- Weekend in the Boondocks. - Quantocks. No, Jez, no.

I'm going to propose.

Really, this has to be a solo mission.

Mark, think about it. What if she says no?

You'll be trapped in an emotional shit storm, you'll need back-up.

Look, I suppose if you want, you can ask her.

Cool. If she can't make it, I'll take Super Hans.

No, Jeremy, no way!

I'm kidding. Bloody hell, Mark. Give me some credit!

Weekend in the Quantocks?

Yeah. We'll have to steer clear of Mark.

The abdominiser? Don't worry about him.

Different time scheme.

We'll be hitting the sack while he's getting his morning horn off the FT.

It's a good chance to get away and do the demo.

Exactly.

There you go, chief. Have a suck on that sauce bottle.

Living it large on the minibar.

While Big Suze is playing the bloody Peter's Friends drinking game

with Hugo and Otto and Rozzle and Nozzle.

Too right.

You not having one?

Nah, not for me. I'm cleaning up.

Kicking everything, from the PCP to the lattes.

Going straight edge. Doctor's orders.

You're kicking... everything?

But you don't mind me?

No, mate, no, you have your fun.

Cold beer and a nice fucking smoke, don't let me stop ya.

Right. OK.

'I give him about five minutes.'

You'll stay strong for me, though, yeah?

Promise me, whatever happens, no drugs, yeah?

No, sure, mate. I'm on it.

Right, let's crack on.

Don't say crack, Jez, please, not now.

Cos you saying crack makes me think about crack, and I love crack.

So can you not say crack?

Can't believe the restaurant had no record of my booking.

Let's just choose somewhere now, I'm tired.

Maybe we should have gone to the place with the hanging plants.

I thought you didn't want to.

I thought you didn't like it because when we looked at the menu,

you wrinkled your nose.

I don't think so.

'She definitely did. Must maintain good relations. Can't propose in bad odour.

'Jesus! 33% of our mini-break weekend has already gone!

'Everything's got to be perfect for the big moment.

Let's just go anywhere.

Well, what about here?

- Do you think? It looks a bit... - Yeah, sure.

'No, no! I don't know what your inexpressible criteria are.

'Why don't you tell me the secret fucking formula? '

Let's go back to the place with the weird menus.

Back? No, we can't go back,

we've got to push on, push on to Moscow.

There might be something in one of the guides.

Mark, put away the guides,

I want to have a real experience, go to the places no-one goes.

There's probably a reason why no-one goes

to the places no-one goes - they're overpriced and have poor service.

Oh, Mark, will you try and leave the guides out of it,

and try and experience this bloody town!

'She's posted a book. I suppose I'm supposed to find

'that incredibly charming and French.

'Well, it's not, it's a waste of £8.99.

'But I've got to grin and take it, cos it's the proposal weekend.'

'Great Weekend with a junkie going cold turkey. I should just leave him.

'What's the worst that could happen?

'He could die. That would be quite bad.'

- Give us a sip. - Hans.

Just a sip!

And a toke.

And a line, yeah?

No, come on. I'm not gonna give you any intoxicants. You made me promise.

Yeah, I know, but that was before.

I wasn't thinking straight.

My head was filled with bloody mumbo-jumbo, weren't it?

It's all become very clear to me, Jez, I want some drugs.

No, mate, no.

You stingy bastard. You're mean.

And you're fat. And ugly and stupid.

There's no need to be nasty.

I'll stop being nasty if you let me have a bit of fun, yoghurt cock.

Hey, Big Suze, how you doing?

Never fucking mind about her, just give me a bang on that pipe!

Yeah, no, nothing much, just, hanging out. Chilling.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Cool, coolio.

That was Big Suze. Guess what - she's coming over after all.

Yeah, that's terrific, mate. Brilliant news.

Super Hans, are you try to skin up with your feet again?

Because it doesn't work, does it? It just makes a mess.

So, this is nice.

Lovely.

'This isn't lovely, it's horrible.

'All the people's food looks awful.

'Our engagement dinner in the Quantocks is going to be terrible.

'I want to cry.

'Oh, my God, we're not saying anything!

'We've got nothing to say, we've skipped 20 years.

'We're one of those couples you see.

'Got to say something. Anything! '

So, w-w-w-what do you think of the... chairs?

Quite... OK, aren't they?

Yeah, they're pretty OK chairs.

Excuse me, do you have a light?

Oh, sorry, we don't smoke.

He thinks I hide his lighter.

Do I look like the sort of woman who'd hide her husband's lighter?

No, not at all.

She also doesn't look like the sort of person who'd strangle a cat,

but I haven't seen Castro in four days.

'Spider senses tingling, there's something wrong with them.

'What is it, booze, drugs, sex? Mental health issues? '

Sophie, are you all right with this? Because if you're not, we can always...

I'm fine. It's nice to talk to some real people.

'She goes looking for fun after just a minute of uncomfortable silence.

'Well, get used to it because when we're married,

'there'll be a lot more where that came from! '

It was nice at first...

'She's come down to see me!

'This is amazing! Walking in the grounds of a country hotel.

'lf there wasn't a junkie in my room, shitting and retching and hurling,

'it'd be like Pride And Prejudice.'

I just took a look around and I thought, really, is this me?

'Ooh, wasn't listening. Just keep saying general words, should be OK.'

Shit, yeah, God. I sometimes think stuff like that.

You know, kind of deep stuff, shit, in your head.

Exactly!

Hi, Super Hans.

'Come back, man, please!

'I've got a monkey on my back the size of King Kong.

'I'm being fucked by King Kong! '

Yeah, no, tuck into the KitKats.

'I'm going to cut my tongue off with a rusty razor.'

Good luck with that. See you later.

Where is he? Is he OK?

Yeah, he's fine, he's back in London, reading a classic car mag.

Oh, OK. So listen, Jez, you want to go back to your room and cuddle up

and watch a little bit of cable?

'Oh, she's actually hot for me. But can't use the room.

'Maybe we could do it behind a bush, or under a car? '

I always thought she could have had kids if she'd tried a bit harder.

I never even wanted kids. >

I'd come down to breakfast and all he'd want to talk about was

cervixes and fallopian tubes.

'Great, gynaecology My favourite topic of conversation with strangers.

I thought by now I'd be an earth mother with 12 kids round my skirts.

'Gotta get her away from these freaks and pop the question.'

Sophie, it's getting late, should we be erm?

What about our walk with Gerard and Isabelle?

'Got to get her on her own.'

It's The Apprentice final tonight so we can't miss that. We've got to go.

But it's so beautiful out there.

Yes but Sugar's got it in for the short guy.

If you want to watch it, then come and find us

or I'll see you back at the hotel a bit later, OK?

'Oh, bollocks! I'm gonna end up proposing on the M4,

'possibly the M25! How romantic will that be

'And it's all gonna be her fault.

'Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her? '

'Ah! That smarts!

'Horrible whisky.

'Still, midnight down the bar, can't have a chocolate milkshake.

'Jesus! What am I gonna do? I've got to ask her.

'Or maybe just slope home, never mention it,

'make Jeremy promise not to say jokes about it.

'God, I need someone to talk to, gotta get my thoughts straight.

'Well, he's an idiot but he's my idiot.