Catch-22

Firing group, please be tight enough to go.

All you have to do is be our pal.

Say nice things about us.

Tell the folks at home

what a good job we're doing.

Take our offer, Yossarian.

Either that, or a court-martial for desertion.

What about the other men in the squadron?

I'd be playing a rotten trick on them.

They'll be happier when you're gone.

Won't even think about you.

They have a war to win.

Well...

What the hell?

If they don't want to fly any more missions,

they'll say so like I did.

Precisely.

It's a deal?

It's a deal.

Ah...

Help.

Help him.

What? Help him! Help him!

Help who?

Help the bombardier!

I'm the bombardier. I'm all right.

Then help him! Help him!

Snowden.

What'd he say?

He said, "Snowden."

Snowden's dead.

Snowden?

Why is he talking to a dead man?

Oh, he's Captain Yossarian.

So? He's crazy.

Who says so? I do.

Why? Just because I said I hate that S.O.B. over there?

Who? He hates Colonel Cathcart.

I didn't ask you.

Colonel Cathcart isn't even here.

Who said anything about Cathcart?

Colonel Korn isn't here either.

Who said anything about Colonel Korn?

Well, what S.O.B. do you hate, then?

What S.O.B. is here?

You don't make any sense. You don't even know who you hate.

You've got a persecution complex.

You're damn right I have.

You admit it!

I admit I'm being persecuted.

- Yeah? By who? - By them!

But who specifically is "them"?

- Every one of them! - Every one of who?

Every one of who do you think?

I don't have any idea!

Then how do you know they aren't?

That's sheer what-do-you-call-it.

- Sophistry. - Right. Sophistry.

Like hell it is.

Those bastards are trying to kill me!

No one's trying to kill you, sweetheart.

Now eat your dessert like a good boy.

Oh, yeah? Then why are they shooting at me, Milo?

They're shooting at everyone, Yossarian.

And what difference does that make?

Look, Yossarian,

suppose everyone thought the same way you do--

I'd be a damn fool to think different.

You know what? You ought to have your head examined.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Look at it once, will you?

Sorry, Yossarian, your head is okay.

Aah!

Please, don't do that.

Doc. What?

- Doc. - Yeah?

I want you to ground me.

Don't start that again.

- Doc. - Yeah.

- I don't want to fly anymore. - Why?

It's dangerous. Aah!

Listen, I told you...

Let's get out of here, huh?

I've flown 35 missions, for Christ's sake.

- Take it easy. - Now that sadistic nut

has raised the number up to 50.

In any other outfit,

I would have been rotated after 25.

Doc, you gotta help me out.

Look, I'm due for rotation myself

in a couple of months

if I don't cause any trouble or break any rules.

And the rules say I can't ground anyone

just because he asks me to.

Can you ground somebody crazy?

Of course. I have to.

There's a rule that says so.

I'm crazy!

Who says so?

Ask anybody. Ask--

Hey, Orr!

- Orr, tell him! - Tell him what?

Am I crazy?

He's crazy, doc. He won't fly with me.

I take good care of him, but he won't.

He's crazy, all right.

That's proof, isn't it? They all say I'm crazy.

They're crazy.

Then why don't you ground them?

Why they don't ask me to?

Because they're crazy, that's why.

Of course they're crazy. I just told you that.

And you can't let crazy people decide

whether you're crazy or not, can you?

- Is Orr crazy? - Of course he is.

He has to be to keep flying after all his close calls.

Why can't you ground him?

I can, but first he has to ask me.

That's all he's gotta do to be grounded?

- That's all. - Then you can ground him?

No. Then I cannot ground him.

Aah! There's a catch.

A catch?

Sure. Catch-22.

Anyone who wants to get out of combat

isn't really crazy, so I can't ground him.

Okay, let me see if I've got this straight.

In order to be grounded,

I've got to be crazy.

I must be crazy to keep flying.

But if I ask to be grounded,

that means I'm not crazy anymore,

and I have to keep flying.

You've got it. That's catch-22.

Whoo!

That's some catch, that catch-22.

It's the best there is.

Good afternoon, men.

This is Major Danby, your flight operations officer,

welcoming you to today's mission.

You've all been briefed on this morning's run,

so I won't go over the details again.

There's no sense naming names,

since the enemy is probably listening,

and there's no reason I can think of to tell them

exactly where we're going to strike.

That's the stupidest goddamn thing I ever heard him say.

That's right.

Weather conditions have improved tremendously

over the mainland,

so you won't have any trouble at all

seeing the target.

Of course, you mustn't forget,

that means that they will have no trouble at all seeing you.

I believe Colonel Cathcart

would like to say a few words before takeoff, men,

and so without further ado--

Give me that!

Men, I won't waste any more of your time than I have to.

I wish you good luck on today's mission.

To those of you who won't be coming back,

I'd like to say we'll do our best

to take care of your wives and/or sweethearts.

And don't forget:

General Dreedle wants to see a nice,

tight bombing pattern

on those aerial photographs.

Everyone ready to go?

Now, Colonel Korn,

I'd like you to stay in the control tower.

Stay on top of this mission. It's a tough one.

I'd like to know when my boys make target.

Yes, sir.

What is it, Lieutenant Minderbinder?

An egg, sir.

I know that, Lieutenant.

A fresh egg, sir.

Where did you get the egg?

In Malta, sir,

where there are enough chickens to lay fresh eggs

for every officer in the squadron,

at 5 cents apiece from the mess fund.

Yes?

With a clear profit of 2 cents per egg.

For whom?

Sir, for whomever sells the eggs to the mess.

And who may that be, Milo?

Ah, sir.

Oranges from Marrakesh, and pecans.

- Pecans! - And in Palermo, sir,

10,000 gallons of the finest Italian olive oil.

The Sicilians need blankets.

It would be a fair trade, sir.

There's an interested party in Sardinia.

All we need is the cooperation

of the countries we're dealing with.

What countries are you dealing with?

The African nations--African?

Countries in the greater Mediterranean area.

Oh, I see.So, what we have to have