Reservoir Dogs

Let me tell you what Like a Virgin is about.

It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick.

The entire song, it's a metaphor for big dicks.

No, it ain't. It's about a girl who's very vulnerable.

She's been fucked over a few times,

and then she meets a guy who's very sensitive.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time-out, Green Bay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the tourists.

Toby? Who the fuck is Toby?

Like a Virgin is not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella.

That's what True Blue is about. No, granted, no argument about that.

-Which one's True Blue? -Oh, you ain't heard True Blue?

It was a big-ass hit for Madonna.

I don't even follow that Top 10 pop shit,

and even I've heard of True Blue.

Asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it, you know.

All I asked is, how does it go?

Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.

Personally, I can do without her.

I used to like her early stuff. Borderline.

When she got off into that Papa Don't Preach phase, I tuned out.

Hey, you guys are, like, making me lose my train of thought here.

I was saying something. What was it?

Oh, Toby's that little Chinese girl.

-What was her last name? -What's that?

It's an old address book I found in a coat I haven't worn in a coon's age.

-What was that name? -What the fuck was I talking about?

You said True Blue is about a guy...

Sensitive girl who meets a nice guy,

but Like a Virgin was a metaphor for big dicks.

Okay. Let me tell you what Like a Virgin is about.

It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine.

I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon.

Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.

-How many dicks is that? -A lot.

Then one day, she meets this John Holmes motherfucker,

and it's like, "Whoa, baby."

I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson in The Great Escape.

He's digging tunnels.

All right, now, she's getting the serious dick action.

And she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever.

Pain. Pain.

Chu? Toby Chu?

It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her.

You know, her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now.

But when this cat fucks her, it hurts.

It hurts just like it did the first time.

You see, the pain is reminding a fuck machine

what it was once like to be a virgin.

Hence, Like a Virgin.

Wong.

Give me that fucking thing.

Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing? Give me my book back.

I'm sick of fucking hearing it, Joe. I'll give it back to you when we leave.

What do you mean "when we leave"? Give me it back now.

For the past 15 minutes now, you've been droning on about names.

"Toby.

"Toby?

"Toby? Toby Wong.

"Toby Wong? Toby Wong.

"Toby Chung. Fucking Charlie Chan."

I've got Madonna's big dick coming out of my left ear,

and Toby the Jap, I don't know what, coming out of my right.

Give me that book.

Are you gonna put it away?

I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want with it.

Well, then, I'm afraid I'm going to have to keep it.

Hey, Joe, want me to shoot this guy?

Shit.

You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

Burn.

Have you guys been listening to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the '70s Weekend?

Oh, yeah. Man, it's fucking great, isn't it?

Can you believe the songs they've been playing?

Know what I heard the other day?

Heartbeat (It's A Love Beat) by little Tony DeFranco and the DeFranco Family.

Man, I haven't heard that song since I was in the fifth fucking grade.

When I was coming down here,

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia came on.

I ain't heard that song since it was big.

But when it was big, I must have heard it a million trillion fucking times.

But this is the first time I ever realized

that the girl singing the song is the one who shot Andy.

What, you mean you didn't know

that Vicki Lawrence was the one who shot Andy?

I thought it was the cheating wife shot Andy.

Yeah, but they say that at the end of the song.

Yeah, I know, motherfucker. I just heard it. That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, don't call me motherfucker. I was just telling you what's in the song.

I must have zoned out during that part before.

All right. I'll take care of the check.

You guys can get the tip.

Should be about a buck apiece.

And you. When I come back, I want my book.

Sorry, it's my book now.

Hey, I changed my mind.

Shoot this piece of shit, will you?

All right. Everybody cough up some green for the little lady.

Come on. Throw in a buck.

I don't tip.

You don't tip?

No, I don't believe in it.

You don't believe in tipping?

Do you know what these chicks make? They make shit.

Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.

I don't even know a fucking Jew who'd have the balls to say that.

Let me just get this straight. You don't ever tip, huh?

I don't tip because society says I have to.

All right, I mean, I'll tip if somebody really deserves a tip.

If they really put forth the effort, I'll give them something extra.

But I mean, this tipping automatically, it's for the birds.

I mean, as far as I'm concerned, they're just doing their job.

-Hey, this girl was nice. -She was okay.

I mean, she wasn't anything special.

What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick?

I'd go over 12% for that.

Look. I ordered coffee, right?

Now, we've been here a long fucking time. She's only filled my cup three times.

I mean, when I order coffee, I want it filled six times.

Six times? Well, you know, what if she's too fucking busy?

Words "too fucking busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.

Excuse me, Mr. Pink,

but the last fucking thing you need is another cup of coffee.

Jesus Christ! I mean, these ladies aren't starving to death.

They make minimum wage. You know, I used to work minimum wage.

And when I did, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job that society deemed tip-worthy.

You don't care they're counting on your tips to live?

You know what this is?

It's the world's smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses.

You don't have any idea what you're talking about.

These people bust their ass.

This is a hard job.

So is working at McDonald's,

but you don't feel the need to tip them, do you?

Well, why not? They're serving you food. But no.

Society says, "Don't tip these guys over here, but tip these guys over here."

That's bullshit.

Waitressing is the number one occupation

for female non-college graduates in this country.

It's the one job basically any woman can get and make a living on.

The reason is because of their tips.

Fuck all that.

Jesus Christ!

I mean, I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips.

That's fucked up. That ain't my fault.

I mean, it would appear that waitresses are one of the many groups

the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis.

I mean, if you show me a piece of paper

that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it.

Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball.

And this non-college bullshit you're giving me, I got two words for that.

Learn to fucking type.

'Cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent,

you're in for a big fucking surprise.

He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.

Hey!

Leave the dollars there.

All right, ramblers, let's get rambling.

Wait a minute. Who didn't throw in?

Mr. Pink.

Mr. Pink?

Why not?

He don't tip.

You don't tip?

What do you mean, you don't tip?

-He don't believe in it. -Shut up.

What do you mean, you don't believe in it?

Come on, you. Cough up a buck, you cheap bastard.

I paid for your goddamn breakfast.

All right. Since you paid for the breakfast, I'll put in.

But normally I would never do this.

Never mind what you normally would do.

Just cough in your goddamn buck like everybody else.

Thank you.

That was the Partridge Family's Doesn't Somebody Want to be Wanted,

followed by Edison Lighthouse's Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes),

as K-Billy's Super Sounds of the '70s Weekend

just keeps on trucking.

Oh, God!

Oh, shit!

I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die!

Just hold on, buddy boy.

-I'm gonna die! -Hey.

I'm sorry.

-I can't believe she killed me, man. -Give me your hand.

Who'd have fucking thought that?

Hey!

Just cancel that shit right now.

You're hurt. You're hurt real fucking bad, but you ain't dying.

I'm gonna die! I'm gonna...

All this blood scares the shit out of me, Larry.

I'm gonna die, I know it.

Excuse me. I didn't realize you had a degree in medicine.

Are you a doctor? Are you a doctor?

Answer me, please. Are you a doctor?

No, I'm not. I'm not.

Okay. So you admit you don't know what you're talking about.

So if you're through giving me your amateur opinion,

just lie back and listen to the news. I'm taking you back to the rendezvous.

Joe's gonna get you a doctor.