I ♥ Huckabees

Motherfucking cocksucker. Motherfucking shit fucker!

What am I doing? What am I doing?

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can.

I know that's all I can ask of myself.

But is that good enough? Is my work doing any good?

Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things?

The African guy's a sign, right? Because if he isn't...

then nothing in this world makes any sense to me.

I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit.

Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit.

I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore.

Fucker. Fuck! Shit!

I'm glad we saved a piece of this marsh.

I know it's small, but at least it's something.

Don't stop fighting.

We're going to save a lot more of this place.

To celebrate, I have a poem I'd like to read.

"Nobody sits like this rock sits.

"You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is.

You show us how to just sit here, and that's what we need."

Yeah, we did it.

- Any press come? - Yeah, local paper's here. What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just I have an appointment to check out this African guy.

- What African guy? - Exactly. What African guy?

Come on.

Hello. Albert Markovski. I have a 1::00 appointment.

Sorry, I'm late. This place is like a maze.

Have a seat. We'll be right with you.

Why don't you just tell me what your situation is.

Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do here, all right?

Well, we, uh... We'll investigate and solve your case.

- How? - If you sign a contract, we'll follow you.

- You'll spy? - Yes.

- On me? - Yes.

- Will you be spying on me in the bathroom? - Yes.

- In the bathroom? - Yes.

- Why? - There's nothing too small.

You know when police find the slightest bit of D.N.A. And build a case?

If we might see you... you floss or masturbate...

that could be the key to your entire reality.

- So I'm hiring you to spy on me. - That's right.

So we can figure out your situation and resolve your crisis.

In addition, my associate will approach your case from a different angle.

What do you mean a different angle? What does that mean?

Regarding your perception of reality. He'll tell you about that.

- Who sent you here? - Nobody. I found your card.

- Where? - In some fancy restaurant that I'd never been to before.

I didn't have the proper attire. So they let me borrow a suitjacket.

I reached into my pocket, and there was your card.

The weird thing is I always have a jacket.

- But not that day? - No.

- Brad Stand. - Hey.

- Kind of a coincidence. - Yes, exactly. My case is a coincidence.

- About the restaurant and thejacket? - No, no. That-That's...

I'm talking about a big coincidence. It involves one man.

It's a three-parter. Okay. Ready?

First part.

I went to a place called Schottinger's photo archives.

I was there getting stills of early Bob Dylan.

In comes this tall African guy. He's like 18 years old or something.

You know, he's in there getting photos of Morris Chestnut...

Shaquille O'Neal, Jim Carrey.

He's an autograph hound. Kind of guy likes to get...

glossies of famous people and get them signed.

Two weeks later, I see the same African guy.

He's working as a doorman at my friend's building.

Oh, my God!

- Who's your friend? - Jay Wendorff. But it's not his apartment.

- It's his girlfriend's. - What's her name?

Uh, Kelly. Kelly Coulter. So, okay, that's two.

One time at Schottinger's photo archive...

second time as the doorman.

Third, I see this man, he's in a van at the mall.

- What are you doing at the mall? - I'm working.

I'm making a statement for the open spaces.

Yeah, he's back. You crazy bastard.

You don't plant no tree in this parking lot!

I gotta come take that tree, remove it and let traffic through.

You'rejust creatin' more work for me.

- They're not always meaningful. - Yeah, it's meaningful.

- Meaningful how? - That's what I want you to find out.

- About your life. - Yeah, about my life.

And about the whole thing. About the universe, you know? The big one.

I mean, should I keep doing what I'm doing? Is it hopeless?

Mr. Markovski, we see a lot of people in here...

who claim they want to know the ultimate truth about reality.

They want to peer under the surface at the big everything...

but this can be a very painful process full of surprises.

It can dismantle the world as you know it.

That's why most people prefer to remain on the surface of things.

Maybe you should go home. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Take it easy. What do you say?

I say don't give me the brush-off. Please.

I want to know. This is big.

- Have you ever transcended space and time? - Yes. No.

Uh, time not space. No, I don't know what you're talking about.

I take it you don't make very much money, Mr. Markovski.

Is that gonna be a problem? Are you expensive, what you do?

We have a sliding scale. Some of our clients pay $30 a week.

Some of our wealthy clients pay several thousand a week.

I can't believe you guys actually exist. How long have you been doing this?

- Seventeen years, 352 cases. - That's crazy.

I'm gonna have to ask you to please steer clear of my office...

because my work situation is a little shaky, all right?

You want us to stay away from your job?

Yeah. If you come snooping around my office...

it could make me look unstable and it could hurt me.

I want you to meet my colleague.

- Bernard? - Uh-huh.

- This is Mr. Markovski. - Hi.

- He's going to have to be pro bono. - Okay. Sounds good.

Thank you very much for taking on my case.

- Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. - Hold on.

- He hasn't signed a contract. - Let's do this and then we'll get to the contract.

- It's too much too soon. - It's always too much too soon. That's the nature of the beast.

- Approach, patience, finesse. - Will you stop?

- Come on. - We need to start with his specifics, Bernard.

We need to go past logic though. Come on. Let's go.

- Give me a kiss. Come on. - Okay.

Will you tell me where we're having dinner tonight?

- Korean barbecue. - Really?

Okay, let's get started.

Is this part of my investigation?

Yes. Say this blanket represents all the matter and energy in the universe, okay?

You, me, everything.

Nothing has been left out, all right? All the particles, everything.

- What's outside this blanket? - More blankets. That's the point.

- Blanket's everything. - Exactly. This is everything.

Let's just say that this is me, all right?

And I'm, what, 60-odd years old and I'm wearing a gray suit.

Blah, blah, blah. And let's say over here, this is you.

And, you're... I don't know, you're 21. You got dark hair, etc.

And over here, this is Vivian, my wife and colleague.

Then over here, this is the Eiffel tower, right? It's Paris.

And this is a war. And this is, uh, a museum.

And this is a disease. And this is an orgasm.

And this is a hamburger.

- Everything is the same even if it's different. - Exactly.

But our everyday mind forgets this. We think everything is separate.

Limited. I'm over here. You're over there. Which is true.

But it's not the whole truth because we're all connected.

Because we... are connected.

- Sure. Sure. Sure. Sure. - Okay?

- Yeah. - All right, now, we need to learn...

how to see the blanket truth all the time.

Right in the everyday stuff. And that's what this is for.

- Why? - Why what?

Why do I need to learn how to see the blanket thing all the time in the everyday stuff?

You wouldn't want to miss out on the big picture, would you?

- Uh-uh. - That's partly why you're here, right?

And this is it. I'm talking about it right now.

It will take a while for you to get it, you know?

But... it will help you.

- How? - When you get the blanket thing you can relax...

because everything you could ever want or be, you already have and are.

- That sound pretty good? - That sounds very good.

- All right, get in. - You want me to get in?

- So, get in here? - Yeah.

- What's going to happen to me in there? - Oh, hey, you're gonna see.

You'll find out.

The purpose of this suit, Mr. Markovski, is to help shut down...

your everyday perceptions and give up your usual identity...

that you think separates you from everything.

This room, this street...

this town, this country, this economy...

this history, this planet.

Your body, your senses, yourjob.

Everything that you identify with.

Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole.

We will fucking destroy you, deary.

Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq.

Hey.

- Brad Stand. - Hey, how are you?

So what's the Open Spaces take on that?

Well, I think you guys can definitely rebuild in areas...

that are already run-down instead of tearing up new land.

- New land. New land. - We're open to that.

That's who we are at Open Spaces. We can't throw that away.

We're not asking you to throw that away. I'm not gonna bullshit you, right?

Part of this is we took a beating in the press for all our growth.

Opening so many stores in such a short time.

So if we work with you and your Open Spaces Coalition...

is that gonna help the Huckabees image?

Yes. Does it help me? Yes.

Do I benefit from getting some great P.R. For Huckabees when we need it? Absolutely.

But do I care about saving the open spaces? Yes, I do.

Don't look at me. What's wrong with you?

Beat it, you little pussy.

- What's wrong with you? - Pussy. - You're an asshole.

How are you? Okay? You doing okay?

I thought you said that was going to relax me.

Eventually, but you have to practice at home. Okay?

You got a lot of layers in there, don't you? Huh? All right?

- Yeah. - Okay.

How am I supposed to practice at home? I don't have one of these.

It doesn't matter. What you can do... It...

Just use an eye mask or shut your eyes, okay?

Oh.

Oh.

Um, hi. What should I be doing?