The Family That Plays Together

We cannot know what the universe holds in store for us.

Its designs are mysterious.

In golf, there is a saying,

"Play it as it lies."

Old Henry once told me,

"Lonnie, you can cheat on your wife,

and you can cheat on yourself,

but you can never cheat on the game of golf."

And that, Sam, is why I'm gonna need my seven iron here.

-Okay. Sure. What… -Can you hold on to that?

-This one. -That one, okay.

I am gonna smash the cover off this ball, and when it hits the green,

all anyone is gonna see is a ball of string unraveling

as it goes into the hole.

Right on.

Oh fuck!

That was cool.

-Play it as it lies! -Yeah. No. I know.

They call him the Hawk

He's a golfer

The greatest golfer in the world!

So I did wanna say I'm sorry about Old Henry, Lonnie.

Yeah, he was a good man, Cliff.

It's Clint.

Must be tough playing without your sidekick.

Where'd you pick up this new caddie?

Oh, her? I got her at a Walmart.

Did you know chickens can memorize over a hundred faces?

Where did you say you caddied before?

Oh, I didn't, because I haven't.

Only time I've been on a golf course was doing donuts in high school.

So wasn't there like a funeral or a wake for him today?

-Did you already pay your respects? -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I know what you're trying to do, Cliff.

That's not gonna work. Mind games? No. You can keep at it.

It's not gonna work. You know why? 'Cause this right here…

This is an animal brain.

And I'm thinking about one thing. "Cougar's gonna eat."

What?

-What? -Hey, Lonnie!

-Yeah? -You want me to kick his ass?

Maybe.

He's not coming.

He's gonna come. Old Henry was his only friend.

Golf is his only friend.

Thirty years that man gave him.

Old Henry was a better father to Lance than his own father.

Mom.

He's the one who taught him how to golf.

Gave him his first set of clubs,

took him to the range, helped him with his swing.

Your father was worthless.

Well, thanks, everyone, for coming out today.

I'm Dick Lundquist

with the Association of Professional Tour Caddies.

-Just keep that coffee hot -A-keep it hot

-Be sure you make a lot -This bag is a bitch.

Henry, nine iron.

What?

Sorr… I'm sorry.

I… I got Old Henry on the brain today.

Uh…

It… Nine iron is the one with the "nine" on it.

Oh, like I would fucking know.

-You got it. There. -There you are.

Oh, come on.

Cougar's gonna eat.

What'd I say?

What'd I say?

"Cougar's gonna eat." You were rude about it.

Mangy cougar with low-hanging nuts, right?

Hey, Lonnie, why don't you just start using this club from now on

so I don't have to carry all this other shit?

Okay.

Boo!

Fucking nut boy.

Gonna have me some fun Until I see the sun in the sky

I'll be way up there

But whatever I do I will come back to you by and by

-Really? -What?

-Lonnie! -I don't think it's me.

Come on, it's you.

-What? -In the bag.

-Is it? -No phones, please.

Sorry. Yeah, I should take this.

-Yeah, it's my son Lance. -What?

My son Lance. We're very tight.

With Old Henry's death, the family's going through a lot of emotion, so…

It'll take two seconds. Hey, Lancerino, what's shaking?

Where the fuck are you?

Thank you. Thank you for asking. I'm doing great.

-I got a few holes left… -Are you serious?

…I heard you, uh, flew down from Charles Schwab to make it.

Are you kidding me?

Mom's here, Natalie's here.

There's a ton of people here, and everyone's expecting you to show up.

You know, I won Charles Schwab in 2006.

Jesus, Dad.

I thought Old Henry meant something to you.

He does. I mean, he did.

Look, I'm gonna pay my respects.

-Right now, you know, I'm on hole… -This is totally unacceptable.

What hole is this? Oh, I'm on hole 11.

The 11th?

Once I finish, I'll make my way down there.

Perfect. Dad, that's just great. Everyone will be gone by then.

Oh shit. Okay.

Well… I know! I'll text you something, right?

And you can read it to everyone,

and that way they'll know, uh…

They'll know I'm there in spirit.

Listen, I'm holding up play.

I gotta go.

Dad…

Un-fucking-believable.

You can go ahead. If you could just be quiet, though,

'cause I gotta text something very important.

-And meaningful. -Are you fucking kidding?

Hey, is everything okay?

Yeah.

He's not coming.

Oh.

Stupid of me to think he was gonna show up.

No. It's not stupid to want something.

You wanna know what's stupid?

Wanting something that doesn't want you back, but we all do it.

Especially when we're young. You know what I mean, Natalie?

Mom.

-What are you doing? This is a memorial. -Oh, you have to try it!

I brought a few extra cases of my Teed Off beverage.

It's kind of like beta testing. You know, like the Pepsi Challenge.

-You want one, Natalie? -I'm good.

-Okay. -Thanks.

Your mom's got a booze side hustle now?

Yeah.

Canned cocktails are great.

I actually came up with the name.

-Oh! -You get it?

-Yeah. -It's layered, right?

-Yeah. That's really funny. -"Teed off," like in golf, and also like…

Ticked off.

-No, like iced tea. -Oh.

Yeah.

So good.

Yeah, baby.

Come on. Yes!

Whoo! Oh yeah!

Home runs and touchdowns!

Can't… stop… me… now!

Look what's going on!

Come on, y'all. Drop it like it's hot.

That's just disrespectful.

-Hey! -Here comes the club!

-Get it! Shit. -Get it.

Absolutely disgusting.

-Hey, Lonnie. -Yeah?

This is what you're doing to that golf ball here.

-Oh, I like that! -Just…

-Good. -I like what you're doing, bud.

Well, it's a cold brew tea infused with spirits.

It's a "hard iced tea" as they say in the beverage biz.

Tastes very oily.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Do you taste the peppermint? -No! Is there?

Peppermint, lemon, the black tea…

Hey, when I point at you, can you put on the sound of "Augusta"?

The Masters theme song.

Sorry.

Check, check. Check, check.

Uh, hey, everyone.

As you know, um…

my father could not be here today, but he has asked if I could

share his passions that he has so kindly texted to me.

"Old Henry… Well, here we are."

"God's 19th hole."

"Our final round."

"Our final tour."

"A tradition like no other."

"You weren't just a caddie, carrying my clubs,

raking the bunkers, tending the pin."

"You were a friend, a father,

sometimes even a son."

"And often, we were the only family each of us had."

Ha! Bullshit.

"You taught me that no matter what happens on the golf course,

family comes first."

Amen.

"Truer words have never been spoken."

-He's the one who taught us all, really. -"And now, here I leave you."

"For once, I will rake the trap."

"I will carry the clubs."

"I will replace the pin

for you, my friend."

"Amen."

Beautiful! Beautiful!

Well done. Well done.

That's poetic.

Stacy, I gotta tell you, this drink is amazing.

Oh! Bones, that makes me so happy. Thank you.

Is this the drink Lonnie used to make at all his parties?