Scary Movie

« The Fire of the Ass » I listen.

Sonia, I don't care if you have morphia.

T'es en retard.

But where the hell are you?

This is embarrassing. I can't find the restaurant.

Richie, there was a wet pussy waiting for you here. I'm outta here!

Hello.

Hey, can you hear me?

That's not going to make me climb the walls, girl.

This tequila, yes.

Here, darling.

Long live the revolution!

Thank you, I feel like my cat has taken off and is going around the moon.

What are you doing at my bar?

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm shooting the opening scene.

I know about openings.

They're calling you, answer the phone!

You're going to pick up, damn it!

Richie ?

Hello, Tiana.

I thought it would be better for the public if they didn't have to read the text messages.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea since all these idiots can't read.

It's true.

We know you, the Wayans' audience.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way, I'm glad you finally selected me.

Yeah, same here, but I'll hide you with you.

When I saw your profile picture, I almost swiped left because you looked like a complete idiot.

But strangely enough, gogoles are lobsters.

A weird head and a very fleshy tail.

I thought you were from a nice neighborhood.

Me, from nice neighborhoods?

Listen, I love the nice neighborhoods, but I'm a Harlem girl, produced and raised in the ghetto, 100% pure black women, yeah.

Ah, so you're white.

No, you son of a bitch, I'm black!

All in bold.

The letters, not me.

Black from my home.

I don't give a damn about any of them.

Cut out those pearls for me, you old hag.

I'm going to have to search your shit.

Hello ?

So, tell me, what's your favorite horror movie?

That's not really my thing.

All these codes in force are rubbish.

Why is it always a white woman who gets killed in the end?

Because it's too hard to kill a Franchine.

You know the type?

Because if the sister can survive with state aid, then everyone can.

You know, it would be nice if we met outside.

Right now?

Does my word annoy you?

What's your zodiac sign?

I bet you're a scampion.

How do you know?

Big mouth, but far too toxic.

Is this the restaurant near an alley?

Yeah, get yourself together before you get disgusted.

Roses?

Ah, not today, you rat.

I heard you, you old hag.

Okay, I'm walking down the alley right now.

I'm here, can you see me?

Shall I give you a sign?

Non.

The person I'm looking at isn't signaling me.

Actually, she's just staring at me, that's all.

Well, you just have to fix it, same thing.

And don't blink, okay, ever.

You smoke his face and then you tell what?

They are approaching me.

Oh no, damn, they have knives.

You'd better not lead them to me.

Wait, the knives aren't the worst part.

The worst part is that you know so much about horror movies and you find yourself walking alone in a deserted alley.

Yeah, well, the worst thing is that you're bothering one of Alec's girls, dude.

Cuckoo !

The girl is in an Avengers-like state.

Are you serious, Larry?

I didn't get Donkey Doiseau, I was expecting something more like that.

That's a pigeon, nigger.

We said hello!

Cuckoo !

Like a black eagle attacking.

I admit, I messed up a bit.

Are you finished?

What the hell is this?

My name is Tiana Taylor, and my abs have abs.

Let's go, guys!

My arm!

My arm!

The gloves!

We can have a civilized discussion.

Okay, that'll do for tonight, let's go.

Go home, there's nothing to do but go to school tomorrow morning.

Hey Tiana, you're showing off because you beat me up, but you didn't even give up your Oscar.

What did you say about my Oscar?

They gave it to that other weird girl from the movie Fainting.

You're right.

But I won a Coton Co...

Asshole!

I can't believe it, this is ridiculous.

That's why I've never watched Horror Movie.

It's total crap.

A succession of star cameos and bursts of farts.

What, you don't like parodies?

I prefer hidden cameras and colonoscopies.

You know, the kind that really pisses guys off.

Ah, so for you, colonoscopy is just a movie.

It's infinitely deeper and darker than many award-winning films I've seen.

Tuesday, no, it doesn't open.

It could be Ghostface.

Okay, stop making up stories.

You only see this kind of nonsense in the movies.

Hello.

I didn't think he'd like to open the door.

Fucking hell.

I don't know what to do with my knife.

Hello, Tuesday.

FINAL DESTINATION PARK A THEME

OR EVERYONE DIES

Hi, Miss.

What did you take?

A little Ritalin for my ADHD, Adderall for my PTSD, some Xanax for my anxiety and pills to get an erection.

Beware of the competition.

Oh, damn it, Sarah!

How many did you take?

I don't know anything, you know very well that I have a sweet tooth.

Ah, hello, Jess.

Sarah, you have the hospital on Tuesday.

She is worried.

She was stabbed by that other crazy guy over there.

You know, Ghostface.

What did you say, Big Butt?

Why do you say I have a big butt?

In any case, I prefer this to being a flat-chested woman like my sister.

Calm down, I didn't say you had a big butt.

I'm talking about the masked freak, Ghostface.

Okay, that makes more sense.

Take that!

Ah, Jack, are you stupid or what?

So what?

I was thinking I could wear this for Halloween.

I'm letting you know that my half-sister is as flat as a pancake and she was bled by a lunatic who wears that mask.

Besides, I need to go see her and make peace with her.

Oh, wait, hey, hey, hey.

I'm coming with you.

And it's not because I'm the killer and I'm trying to bring you back to your hometown.

I'm just your caring boyfriend.

Yeah.

That's all.

Okay, come on, get in the car.

We just need to make a stop along the way.

Wow, that's crazy, I'm not even dead.

And that's thanks to my little campion piece.

Oh, boudin !

I don't like it when people stop being considerate, even giving a hug.

And...

You need to stop bashing rappers and their shitty music.

It's embarrassing for Black women if this kind of thing can be...

Oh, stop it, it's not a problem.

I'm the kind of nice mom we all wish we had.

I am not tacked.

By the way, I have training today, I'll be home late.

You were only taken on the team because you're black.

Those binary fave assholes thought you were a fast runner.

It is 2026.

If there were still fascists, we would know about it.

Aren't you on Black Twitter?

Non.

Oh, Brad.

Are you still dating that tramp?

Mom, enough with the whorephobia.

She has a three-figure body count, she's a whore.

She's not a prostitute.

She has an assertive sexuality.

And I maintain that she's a whore.

Hi, Nell.

You look beautiful.

Is it already in Nouvelle or what?

You dressed up as a dick garage.

You're getting excited, you're wearing a ring.

Hello, Madame Meeks.

I love your hair.

Very Joan of Arc.

Super vintage.

Oh, thank you, my daughter.

Unlike you, this woman rode horses, not dicks.

I have to go to my African-American history class.

Slavery is a hot topic right now.

It turns out that it was voluntary.

It's written in this book.

THE TRUE HISTORY OF BLACK PEOPLE BY KANYE WEST

Kanye West?

Yes, the artist.

For centuries, we have been told stories.

Proud to be black.

Goodbye, my daughter.

OK.